Name: Hegseth Lectures "Fat Generals" and Trump Threatens War Against U.S. Cities | The Daily Show
Uploaded: 2025-10-08T00:44:21.000Z
Duration: 11 min 44 s
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Adverbs of degree

P. Hegseth has his own battle of the Bulge.

The National Guard adds more tour dates, and

I bet you 50 bucks gambling is gonna destroy American society.

Let's start with America's military, the Karen of the world.

They just will not stay out of other countries business.

And leading this military is Pete Han, who you might think is the Secretary of Defense, but

He's rebranded himself the Secretary of War.

You know how cool guys always give themselves nicknames?

And as part of this military makeover last week, the Secretary announced a surprise meeting tonight, in an unprecedented move, Secretary Pete Hegseth asking all US General officers and admirals around the world to gather at the US Marine base in Quantico, Virginia.

A meeting of this size in person and on such short notice is extremely rare.

It's going to also potentially be a security risk given the sheer number of military officials.

And how many are going to be gathered in one place at a time.

Listen, we all do weird things when we're drunk, okay?

Some of us slide into an ex's DMs and some of us call every US general to a maniac Quantico.

But you know, I'm sure if the Secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them.

It's tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation and see fat troops.

Likewise, it's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.

That's what you drag all these generals in for?

Couldn't you just leave some passive aggressive comments on their Instagram, like, hey, congrats, General, when are you due?

I mean, this guy will text top secret war plans, but

when it comes to body shaming, he's like, I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces are.

Look, I get the military needs to be fit, okay?

But in defense of fat generals, they're kind of like coaches, right?

Like, coaches don't need to be fit enough to play the sport.

They just have to be fit enough to date a 24 year old.

And also there are some military positions you kind of don't want a fit soldier for.

Like I don't want a guy with six pack abs operating a drone.

He clearly he hasn't had enough time and experience sitting down like this, with a controller just going, okay, he's dead.

But telling generals they have to get on Ozempic wasn't the whole speech.

America's Secretary of War had more to say than that.

No more beards, long hair, superficial individual expression.

We're gonna cut our hair, shave our beards, and adhere to standards.

Okay, you hear that, you goddamn hippie generals?

Now, according to Pete Hegseth, America's military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a Grinder profile.

Okay, no fatties, no facial hair, and get those ladies the out of my sight.

But it's all about a much larger project of de Wokeificationing.

An entire generation of generals and admirals were told that they must parrot the insane fallacy that, quote, our diversity is our strength.

They had to put out dizzying DEI and LGBTQI statements.

No more identity months, DEI offices, dudes in dresses.

Although, are we sure dudes wearing dresses doesn't work?

Because the Taliban wore dresses, and it kind of worked for them.

Pete Hegseth, the mother Secretary of Mother War, also took the opportunity to bump his book sales on Amazon.

You might say we're ending the war on warriors.

I mean, at least he never used his position to sell his book 101 War Crimes to trial in Cambodia.

But bottom line, a lot of people were worried that this event was going to show that Pete Hegseth had taken over the military.

But it actually just showed how disconnected his MAGA rally energy is from their professional culture, especially this moment that he clearly thought was going to crush.

Should our enemies choose foolishly to challenge us, they will be crushed by the violence, precision, and

In other words, to our enemies, FAFO if necessary.

Not even the of the US Military have ever seen a line bombed that hard before.

It's weird and some would say juvenile to use Internet slang in a speech to your adversaries.

I mean, President Reagan was never like, Mr. Gorbachev, I hawk to us.

But basically, that was Pete Hegseth's speech fafo.

And no one in the military is allowed to be fat, especially the leaders.

So next up to speak was the famously thin health nut commander in chief, Donald Trump.

And even President Trump noticed how dead the room was.

I've never walked into a room so silent before.

Wow, way to throw your opening act under the bus.

I thought alcoholics were supposed to be fun.

Well, if anyone can win a room back, it's President Trump, who convinced these generals there was a good reason to pull them from their posts.

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Hegseth Lectures "Fat Generals" and Trump Threatens War Against U.S. Cities | The Daily Show

weird

general

strength

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