Name: The true cost of always needing to win an argument | Jefferson Fisher for Big Think+
Uploaded: 2025-08-06T18:39:44.000Z
Duration: 6 min 4 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

To-infinitive

When you set out to win an argument, you lose the relationship.

Past simple

The other person backs off, congrats, what did you win?

When you win an argument, you will lose their confidence.

Instead of seeing arguments as something to win, I want you to see them as something to unravel.

Let's say there's a string between me and you.

We're arguing about something, and I say, no, you have to go with my way.

And you say, no, you have to go with my way, because there's a knot.

There is an issue, a struggle in front of us.

The harder I pull and the harder you pull, the tighter that knot becomes.

You know people that haven't spoken to someone in years because of how hard and for how long they pulled on an argument.

So when you find ways to try and unravel it, the better communication you're going to have, the better relationships you're going to have.

I'm a board-certified trial attorney from Texas, and I'm the author of The Next Conversation, How to Argue Less and Talk More.

Our response to arguments is downright biological.

When somebody says, I disagree, our body naturally reacts, and it says to our brain, hey, we didn't like that.

And the brain goes, nah, we didn't like that.

We keep it really tight and really shallow.

Because our body is honestly ready to run.

Instead of throwing a rock at them, we say something hurtful.

Opposite side of that is you might experience it as your flight.

All of a sudden, you want to leave the room.

Every opinion that doesn't agree with you, it cues that in.

But where you get the most benefit is in that moment between what they said and how you respond means everything.

And when you can learn to control that moment right there, that is going to set you up for a much better conversation and a more effective communication.

Where communication goes wrong is when I'm speaking, I'm looking for what's going to control you.

I'm not looking for what's going to control me.

When I start to control myself, that is the only thing I can't control.

One is knowing already what your triggers are.

So really, there are three types of triggers to recognize.

One is a physical trigger, meaning somebody is doing something physically in the space where you're in that triggers you.

Maybe it's a boss that's getting a little bit too close to you and trying to dominate the conversation.

Maybe it's at a board meeting and somebody's trying to point a finger at you.

Any physical indication is very triggering to some people.

These are things that are internal that have nothing to do with the physical.

They might be social evaluation triggers, meaning where am I in society?

Are my friends going to like me or are they not going to like me?

You're constantly evaluating society and are you going to be included or not or cast out.

Another is personal identity, meaning there are elements in your life that have made up your identity.

If I were to tell you a certain belief that you have is wrong, most likely I'm not just saying you're wrong.

I'm saying that thing you learned when you were at camp is all wrong and you will do anything to the point of not listening to me just to protect that identity.

This is a deep fear of what am I going to lose?

Not in the fact of are they going to exist or not, it's are they going to abandon me?

Usually, triggers fear of abandonment, am I going to be alone?

Am I going to lose my reputation, lose my job, lose my sense of security?

We all are sensitive to these little triggers in everyday conversation.

No matter the subject, there is always a trigger that can be pulled on.

The more you know and recognize your own triggers, the better you are at recognizing the triggers of other people.

You start to see the person behind the person that you're talking to, and that's going to lead to better communication.

There is a guiding principle of good communication, and if there's anything you remember, I hope it's this.

When you go into conversation, have something to learn, not something to prove.

Whenever you get triggered and you see the triggers of other people, when you try to prove them wrong, bad things happen.

So instead of the, I don't understand how you could ever think that, you get to the question of, I wonder where this is coming from?

Instead of the, that's not what I said, you say, what did you hear?

And instead of the, why can't you come my way?

You begin to ask questions about, how did this happen?

I've even said it before in conversation, help me unravel this knot.

Instead of seeing arguments as something to win, see them as something to unravel.

Because an argument is simply a window into another person's struggle.

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Subtitles ListPlay Video

The true cost of always needing to win an argument | Jefferson Fisher for Big Think+

awkward

struggle

recognize

trigger