Name: Jon on Trump's Nagging Epstein Scandal & Desi on Sydney Sweeney Jeans Ad Madness | The Daily Show
Uploaded: 2025-08-04T02:00:53.000Z
Duration: 35 min 14 s
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Let's begin tonight with a young man by the name of Donald Aloysius Trump.

Participle clauses with adverbial meaning

As you know, this young man has been embroiled in the Jeffrey Epstein sex trafficking scandal and did what anybody who is innocent, when facing an accusation of this type, did what anybody who is innocent would do, he fled the country, he fled the country taking a jaunt to bonnie old Scotland, that's probably not the right accent, to leave his troubles in the United States behind and finally gain an ocean's distance between himself and the

Epstein scandal and focus on his new trade deal with the EU.

I'm sorry, yes, you there, from the Inverness Castle Times.

Mr. President, was part of the rush to get this deal done to knock the Jeffrey Epstein story out?

Donald Trump, he's all like, how did you even hear about it?

I thought you guys just got Baywatched like three months ago.

Doesn't anybody here have a question about this trade deal sinking both of our economies with tariffs?

How high do I have to make the tariffs before you guys shut the f**k up about Epstein?

But of course, how do you expect the media to move on when even Trump has trouble doing so?

So it was on the day of striking a trade deal with the EU, Donald Trump presented once more, this time for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, his classic Epstein defense, 13 reasons why

Those files were run by the worst scum on earth.

If they had something they would have released.

Now they can easily put something in the files that's a phony.

If I, Donald Trump was in the files, they would have released it.

So clearly I'm not in the files, but of course I'm clearly in the files.

Your Honor, I submit to the court, if there is one thing I would never do, it is draw.

I cannot physically even perform the task of drawing.

I do not possess the motor skills and muscle strength required.

I cannot draw, not now, not ever, although sometimes people say, would you draw a building and I'll draw four lines and a little roof, you know, for a charity.

I mean, sometimes people would say, would you draw a woman and I'd draw a parentheses for breasts and a triangle for Bush for charity, for charity.

I wouldn't call them drawings, more of a cubist pastiche of punctuation and geometric shapes to trick the eye.

Some would see a naked woman, of course, others would see an old woman holding a falcon, riding a hoverboard with a triangle for a vagina.

In Trump's defense, he did end his relationship with Epstein in the aughts.

Perhaps a look into why he ended it will exonerate Trump.

That's such old history, very easy to explain, but I don't want to waste your time by explaining it.

What he said was Epstein had done something inappropriate and that's why they're no longer friends.

You see, Donald Trump recognized that Epstein had finally crossed the line.

Now, if it were me, obviously giving this explanation in front of reporters, I probably would have stopped there.

But, since I am not, and Trump went on to describe Epstein's inappropriate behavior and wait till you hear what was the Rubicon that Epstein crossed.

He hired help and I said, don't ever do that again.

And I threw him out of the place, persona non grata.

You all know him as Jeffrey Epstein, the sex trafficker.

I mean, the sex trafficking, I was like, OK.

But he was also a low level employee poacher.

Anyway, Mr. President, do you want to slice this bologna any thinner?

And Bill Clinton went there supposedly 28 times.

You expect me to believe that Bill Clinton went to the island only 28 times?

I mean, if anybody had VIP Diamond Island status, there's probably still parrots alive on that island going, hey Bill, back again.

That is truly the best parrot impression you'll hear.

Here comes my favorite part of the defense.

Trump's ego and narcissism are so central to his being that even his denial of going to the island comes with a caveat.

I never had the privilege of going to his island, and I did turn it down.

Hey, Donald, want to go to the island this weekend?

Well, first of all, Jeffrey, thank you for thinking of me.

Unfortunately, that's the weekend that the teen pageant that I bought is installing the indoor security locker room cabinets.

But luckily for Trump, it wasn't all Epstein-related pressers.

He was able to get in some of his beloved whack-a-ball.

Mr. Trump, are you enjoying the Scottish hospitality?

Are you enjoying the Scottish hospitality?

Mr. Trump, can you escape the Jeffrey Epstein crisis?

Is Epstein what they yell in Scotland instead of four?

To extend the golf metaphor, Trump finds himself in the rough.

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Jon on Trump's Nagging Epstein Scandal & Desi on Sydney Sweeney Jeans Ad Madness | The Daily Show

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