Name: セクシュアリティの研究者だけど「恋愛」について質問ある？| Tech Support | WIRED Japan
Uploaded: 2025-06-18T11:05:43.000Z
Duration: 19 min 33 s
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To-infinitive

I'm Dr. Zhanna Vrangalova, a Relationships Consultant and Professor of Human Sexuality, and today I'm here to answer your questions from the internet.

The imperative

First thing first asks, is it true that guys are no longer approaching women in public?

It is, and you could argue for better or worse.

I would argue it's for the worse because humans evolved to interact with each other in person.

And while dating apps are great, they are one of the many tools in the toolbox, we should not forget about that organic way of meeting people that can happen on the street, at the coffee shop, at the gym, that is often a lot more magical when it happens than when you're on a dating app.

But because of partially dating apps, partially also because of greater awareness around sexual harassment, sexual abuse, especially post Me Too, there's more realizations that the way people have approached, especially the way men often approach women in these non-designated flirting areas can come across in a way that makes women feel unsafe.

And I would love it if we brought it back, but in a way that does not make people feel unsafe or threatened.

Life with Nye asks, how important is physical attraction versus emotional attraction?

For a long-term relationship, emotional attraction is really, really important.

That's what sustains us over the long-term, the trust, the connection, the intimacy, all of that is really important to have.

So if you're gonna date someone for a long time, if you're gonna marry them, have kids with them, settle down, make sure you have emotional attraction and connection.

Now, the physical attraction is a bit more of an, it depends.

It's really, really important for some people and far less important to other people.

It's also something that's a lot more important in the beginning of the relationship.

It often gets people excited about each other, but then over time, it's just not that important.

And it's important to remember that physical attraction can increase the more you like the person, the more emotional attraction exists between you two.

Dating is generally far easier for women than it is for men.

On one hand, dating is easier for women in terms of meeting potential partners.

If you're on the dating apps, you have so many more options.

So it's definitely easier to meet someone and go on a date.

On the other hand, women often don't get what they actually are looking for because many of these men who are approaching women are looking for something that the women are not actually looking for, casual sex versus romantic relationships.

And also, can you get the high quality romantic relationship that you want?

That's often something that women don't get.

And so if you are a man who's looking for a long-term relationship, oftentimes you can have a pretty good experience and a lot of options to choose from because a lot of the other guys being on offer are not offering that.

A Reddit user asks, are situationships really changing the dating game and why do people put up with them?

It's one of these ongoing sexual and maybe even romantic relationships, but they don't really have a clear definition and there's no clear commitment around them.

If you don't want to get stuck in a situationship, then don't allow it to happen.

I mean, situationships exist because usually they work for one person who's happy to have that sort of undefined state of being and they usually don't work for the other person who would like to have a bit more definition, but they're just not getting it and for one reason or another putting up with it.

And you could argue it's not really ethical if one person knows that the other person is not really enjoying and loving this situationship to keep it going.

But on the other hand, everybody has responsibility in this.

If it's not working out for you, you also have the responsibility to say it's not working.

One person can't have all of the responsibility.

That's why communication is so important.

123Manda1 asks, does anyone have tips on how to handle rejection in a healthy way?

First and foremost, accept rejection gracefully.

It's never fun to get rejected, but it's also part of life and we have to learn how to take it in stride.

It has to do with not being compatible, not being the right time or simply other circumstances.

So be compassionate toward yourself, feel your feelings, but don't go too hard on yourself.

A Reddit user asks, should you always trust your gut?

This might sound like old wives tales, but the gut is actually a real thing when it comes to our connection to the brain.

It's sort of like a second brain because it actually has over 100 million neurons inside the gut and they are connected through the vagus nerve.

It takes in information and in those moments of fight or flight, when something is off, it can tell us get out of that situation or if something feels good and right, it can also pull us toward that situation.

If the gut is saying get out of here, then probably there's something off about that person.

That said, the gut is not all you should be paying attention to because there are other pieces of information that the gut cannot take in and process and for that you need your brain.

So make the brain and the gut work together with each other when deciding who's a good potential partner and who's not.

A Reddit user asks, why are men much more willing to have casual sex than women?

There are evolutionary biological differences between men and women and there are sociocultural reasons why this is happening.

On an evolutionary biological basis, there are very obvious differences in a reproductive anatomy and physiology.

They can easily deposit that sperm in as many vaginas as they have access to and make lots and lots of babies.

Then they don't have to put in any amount of effort into doing anything to have that baby be born, potentially survive, and so on.

They can literally do the bam, wham, thank you ma'am and that's it.

Now, that might not be in the best interest of that kid and there's a whole conversation around, well, if you don't put in any effort beyond the bam, wham, thank you ma'am, is that kid actually going to make it?

In general, there is a much lower what's called minimum parental investment that men need to put in in order for a baby to be born.

Females, on the other hand, have a very different math when it comes to sex and for women, having sex often meant getting pregnant and that carried the cost of pregnancy for nine months, breastfeeding for usually about two, maybe three years, and during that time, you can't really be having or making new babies.

And so there's a very different cost of reproduction which plays into the way we think about having these more casual contexts for sex.

The interesting thing that has happened over the last 50 or so years and more and more as we have developed all of these new ways of interacting in society, greater gender equality, greater access of women to economic means and political power and greater independence, as well as the access to birth control and decoupling basically of sex from reproduction, what we have now is a situation that has never really existed before in the history of humanity.

And that is that sex no longer has to lead to pregnancy so women have that luxury of having casual sex that does not lead to that potentially unintended consequence, Lady Minx and I ask.

Also in the context of dating, what on earth is orbiting?

If you just look at what's happened to the dating language over the last five to 10 years, we have so many terms that we never had before for better or worse.

Orbiting is when someone that you either was dating or started to date or maybe even you were in a serious relationship with and that ended and they stopped communicating with you directly so no more texts or calls or seeing each other but they still kind of stay connected with you on social media usually.

So they will like your posts, they are following you, they're viewing your stories, following your activity.

So they kind of keep you in their orbit but without actually having any kind of meaningful communication which to a lot of people can be distressing because you feel like there's no closure.

Speckrex asks, can we define the term f**kboy?

A f**kboy is someone typically male who likes to pursue multiple sexual relationships simultaneously, not really put in a lot of or any emotional commitment into them which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing but the key piece about the f**kboy is that he usually does it with some lying and cheating and not being honest about his intention so there's manipulation which is why it's often a disparaging kind of term.

Ashley Grossman asks, how do you decide in a relationship what is a deal breaker?

By knowing yourself and what matters to you.

Everybody's different, what is going to matter for them versus other people.

You wanna think about what are your core values that matter to you long-term.

For some people it will be religion or politics or how you approach money or whether you want children or not or how you wanna deal with family.

So make sure that you are on the same page on those issues.

Other things like behavioral patterns like what kind of health behaviors do we engage in, are there any addiction issues, abuse, dishonesty, communication patterns, how do you wanna live your life?

Do you wanna live in the suburbs or in the city?

What kind of career path do you wanna have?

Those are all things that are gonna come up and bite you if you're not on the same page.

Okaystatement2 asks, how do you decide if you're settling or being realistic with your expectations?

It's a good question, we can't have everything.

Something is gonna have to give but you have to know yourself so that you know what your core needs in a relationship are.

You're likely settling if you're ongoingly unfulfilled, resentful, if you feel like you're compromising on your core values, if you are staying in a relationship mainly because you fear of being alone and you're being realistic if you're making some compromises on certain preferences if most of the time in the relationship you feel like your core needs are being met and you are generally happy and satisfied.

Sxr444H says, what attachment style is it where you yearn for the man who doesn't consistently show his interest in you if any?

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セクシュアリティの研究者だけど「恋愛」について質問ある？| Tech Support | WIRED Japan

sort

absolutely

approach

commitment