I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know me.

There's a lot of darkness out there, but I'd like to start tonight's show with something positive.

Did we find anything?

No?

It's Monday.

What are you going to do?

Oh, wait, here's something positive.

We all get to be with each other.

In here, all of us in here, out there, and I just want to say,

I just want to say, I would advise us to stay together just until the troops leave.

Because you see, this weekend, after a series of ICE raids prompted not huge immigration protests in Los Angeles,

President Trump ordered the deployment of 2,000 National

Guard troops to LA.

Oh, Lord.

Really, is it too much to ask to have one weekend where I don't have to Google, when count as martial law?

Today, Trump went after the protesters.

The people that are causing the problem are professional agitators.

They're insurrectionists.

They're bad people.

They should be in jail.

Thank you.

Yes, all the insurrectionists should be in jail.

And I'll tell you, folks, we have plenty of room, because I just pardoned 1,500 of them.

And I pardoned them all, and they still haven't brought me the pelt of Mike Pence.

Guys, I said seize him.

Thank you.

Trump's actions are shocking, because this troop deployment is in defiance of the California government.

Normally, the governor is in charge of the National Guard.

And in Los Angeles, local and state authorities had not sought help in dealing with the protests.

So nobody asked for this, and it's only going to make things worse.

And in Los Angeles, there's a word for that.

Transformers, Rise of the Beasts.

OK?

Not going to help anybody.

That's not going to help.

That's not going to help any.

That's not going to.

That's not.

That's.

This is unprecedented.

The last time a president bypassed a governor to send in the National Guard was 1965, when LBJ used troops to protect civil rights demonstrators in Alabama.

So we've come full circle.

Troops were deployed to protect protesters by Lyndon B. Johnson, and now they're being used to threaten protesters by Donald B. Dick.

Now, Johnson, Johnson, California authorities have said these protests are largely peaceful.

But many on the right are trying to use the worst images to make it look like an invasion, like JD Vance, who posted that protesters are waving foreign flags and assaulting law enforcement.

If only we had a good word for that.

St. Patrick's Day?

And yes, and yes, it is one word, St. Patrick's Day.

There has been some pelting of police and ICE agents with rocks and garbage.

For instance, people began throwing objects at law enforcement in a protest that started when demonstrators took over the 101.

The locals were quick to point out that they should have taken over the 405 to the 5, saved at least 10 minutes on the road to fascism.

On the bright side, even during this crackdown, the spirit of Southern California remains alive and very chill.

You told me you got caught up in the tear gas as well.

Describe what happened to you.

Oh, just tasted a little tear gas.

Tasted like fascism.

Yeah, yeah, tasted a little tear gas, tasted like fascism.

That is the most LA guy ever.

He's got a beanie, sunglasses at night, eyes locked with the camera to deliver a line straight from a B movie.

I came here to taste fascism and kick ass.

And I'm all out of ass.

Kick ass or kick ass?

Taste ass?

Some of the images coming out of LA show the lighter side of dystopia, like these police in riot gear safeguarding a donut shop.

I am hereby deploying the National Guard to protect Giant Donut, following which I am sending

Delta Force to liberate Bob's big boy with an armored Wienermobile.

Now, at this point, any normal administration will be looking for ways to de-escalate, but because everything is stupid now.

CBS is reporting that the military has put about 700

Marines on high alert to possibly deploy to Los Angeles two days after Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said they could be sent to the city if violence continues.

What a proud assignment in the storied history of the Leathernecks.

From the halls of Montezuma to the Santa Monica Pier, we will march on LA citizens at the Karate Kid premiere.

Wax on.

Show.

Wax on.

Wax off.

So how did, how did, how did we get, how did we get here?

Well, it's probably because a few weeks back, there was a meeting at ICE headquarters led by White House Deputy Chief of Staff and recently sat upon testicle Stephen Miller.

During, during, during this meeting,

Miller laid into top immigration officials demanding they get arrest and deportation numbers up as much as possible.

So a frustrated trunch henchman demanded more arrests of society's most vulnerable.

There's a, there's a certain, certain flavor to that.

What, what would you call it?

Tasted like fascism.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Dude.

Little bit like ass.

Then, OK, then fast forward to this past weekend when camouflage-clad federal agents began combing LA's Garment District.

You're wearing camouflage in downtown Los Angeles?

There's no jungle there.

If you want to blend in, just sit in a coffee shop looking sad, waiting for your agent to never call.

I was, I was in that camo for years and no one saw me, I promise you.

Naturally, a lot of folks were upset about these workplace roundups, so protesters started chanting and throwing eggs at them.

In response, police fired back with rubber bullets and tear gas.

That is not the proportionate response to an egging.

Everyone learns the rules at Halloween.

You egg somebody, you have to chaperone your little sister and her friends at the mall.

And they all want to do Build-A-Bear.

What's going on in LA reminds us that as citizens, it is crucial to speak out against Trump's fascist impulses, his rampant corruption, and his egregious violations of our norms and our laws.

But sometimes,

I don't want to go all Bruce here, but sometimes it's just as important to say, ha ha, old man, fall down.

Because this weekend, when he was trying to walk up the steps of Air Force One, he went all stumbly-wumbly-boop.

Strong man go boom.

He's a real Benito whoopsalini.

Adolf Tripsler.

Okay, I'm done, I'm done.

I'm done, that's enough of that.

Joseph Fallon?

King John hoops.

I don't know if a King John hoops worth it, no.

Of course, with Trump's shock troops deployed against our fellow Americans, we can't focus on trivial things like that.

But look at his dumb face.

You can tell it was a serious fall because it deployed his neck bag.

And if you zoom in, it's a map of the greater Los Angeles area.

There's the 405 right there.

Wake up, people.

It was all planned.

We've also got some footage this weekend of Fox News host and Roblox businessman, Brett Baier.

Baier attended some sort of party on Friday, and at some point, for some reason, he ended up on stage singing Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang.

He may be very sexy or even cute, but he looks like a sucker and a blue and red shirt.

I said, ahem, hop, ahem it, ahem it, ahem it, but hop, you don't stop, all right?

Then the bang, bang, boogie, up, jump, the boogie, to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.

We interrupt this broadcast with breaking news.

The remaining members of the Sugar Hill Gang have plucked out their own eyes.

That's it.

Baier continued, adding his own little spin on the lyrics.

Skiddly-bop, scoob-bop, Scooby-Doo, that's right.

America, we love you.

Fox News Channel, you should watch.

6 p.m., special report, it's really good.

Very fresh, very balanced, very fair.

And if you think those two are a couple, oh, and if you think those didn't rhyme, well, my friend, you're correct.

I gotta say, I gotta say, it's a little jarring.

He does a pretty good job until the end.

It's a little jarring to hear a Fox News plug in the middle of a rap song, but it's not unprecedented.

Remember when Jay-Z said, I got 99 problems, but missing Sunday morning futures with Maria Bartiromo ain't one.

We got a great show for you tonight.

My guests are William Shatner and Neil deGrasse Tyson, but when we come back, my wife, Evy, and I have some first drafts of Father's Day cards.

Join us, folks, here.

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