Name: the art of having perfect conversation
Uploaded: 2025-05-22T15:52:08.000Z
Duration: 19 min 24 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

Past simple

I recently attended a small gathering, and honestly, I felt so bored and understimulated.

Past continuous

I knew everyone there pretty well, but the conversations just weren't flowing, no one was asking follow-up questions, and the topics felt very one-dimensional.

Gerund

We all want to leave a social setting feeling good, and on that day, I did not.

Instead, I left frustrated, thinking, why is everyone so boring?

And the next few days, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I replayed some of the conversations in my head, pondering questions like what would've made it more enjoyable, and were the others having a good time, and of course, the dreaded question, was I the boring one?

And all this made me wonder, what actually makes a conversation good, and what makes a bad one?

And so, I started thinking about some of the recent positive experiences I've had to use as a case study.

Here's some background to the scenario I picked.

By the way, can you imagine being this guy and seeing this video of me writing an entire video essay about what made our conversation so enjoyable?

This is why I could never date a YouTuber.

Of course, this video is not about that date or that person in particular, we're just going to use that scenario to try and generate some more in-depth understanding of the complex art of having good conversations.

The general admissions gate is the basic criteria we subconsciously set before we even consider having a conversation with someone.

Of course, there can be countless reasons for why we might not want to engage with someone, everything from their appearance to their behavior or even just our mood in that moment.

Now, obviously, date number six, so he had passed the admissions gate already.

We will call it level one, which is, there is some level of interest in that other person.

And this interest could be anything, really.

It could be your neighbor telling you about their recent trip to Sydney, a place that you've always wanted to visit.

Or it could be a colleague you bond with over shared love for tacos.

Or it could simply be just someone having a really great sense of style.

As for my date, level one was reached the moment we swiped right on each other and started messaging, because it signals that there is something there that I'm curious about or intrigued by.

Now, the reason I mention this is because, oftentimes, we tend to enjoy a conversation more if we already have some sort of established interest in that person.

Whether we are romantically interested in them, or we find them entertaining, or just intellectually stimulating, our reason for having level one interest in someone can vary greatly.

But if you, on the other hand, find no interest in that person at all, regardless of reason, you're not likely to find a conversation with them interesting either.

Now that you and this person, or in my case, me and this guy, are on a level one basis, let's break down the conversation itself, but from the very beginning, because it actually starts before the conversation itself.

Let's picture two different scenarios with this guy, who we'll just call Guy from here on.

Guy and I enter this lunch place and sit at our table.

Guy keeps his coat on, he puts his phone on the table, and he orders a small side dish because he said he's already full.

Guy and I enter this lunch place, he goes to hang up his coat before we take a seat, he leaves his phone out of sight, and he orders a proper meal.

Now, some people may not even take note of any of these things, but I think most people do, and sometimes subconsciously.

I'm not making myself comfortable, I'm not feeling relaxed, I'm open to being distracted, and I don't plan on staying for that long.

I knew we were having lunch, but I disregarded that and ate before coming here anyway.

I plan on being present, with no distractions from my phone, and since we agreed on lunch, that's what we're doing.

Feeling relaxed, comfortable and at ease is usually a prerequisite for potentially having a good time and an enjoyable conversation.

We want to feel like the other person wants to be there, and we're constantly, subconsciously and otherwise, picking up cues that signal these things to us.

Alright, you're both seated now, you and whoever in this scenario is Guy and I, and before discussing the conversation itself, let's take a look at the initial body language, and let's do the scenarios again.

Guy maintains the appropriate amount of eye contact as we're beginning to converse, which is said to be 50% of the time while you're speaking, 70% of the time while you're listening.

He also has an open posture, slightly leaning in towards me, subtly stroking my arm when and then observing how I respond.

His facial expressions reflect the topic and mood of the conversation.

He smiles as I tell him something that excites me.

He looks concerned when I tell him something heavy.

Guy leans back, arms crossed, scanning the room, hardly looking at me as he speaks, or as I speak.

His face is expressionless, not changing as I tell him something exciting, nor when I tell him something heavy.

I'm not really into you or this conversation.

Now, let's talk about the conversation itself, starting with active listening.

Besides body language, what did Guy do that made me feel like he was really listening?

He wasn't bursting to chime in with his own view or opinion or personal anecdote.

I felt like I had space to elaborate my view and to think before I spoke. 2.

He responded with relevant follow-up questions or statements.

Let's say that I told Guy, this apple would be so good with some Himalayan salt.

My mom would always add it to our fruit bowls growing up, but my sister never liked it.

Here's an example of a good follow-up question that Guy could ask.

Do you still add Himalayan salt to your apples like your mom used to do?

And what else did you and your sister grow up disagreeing on?

Here's an example of a relevant follow-up statement.

A good conversation does not only consist of back and forth questions, it also consists of statements.

Perhaps he could have said something like, my mom also used to make us fruit bowls, pears instead of apples though, and you know those pyramids that you can get at X market?

They've become sort of nostalgic for me now.

Here's an example of something Guy could have said that would be neither a question nor really a statement, but rather just some words that tell me he's not really listening or he's disinterested.

Now, a conversation is not even all about just follow-up questions and statements.

Sometimes, it's about acknowledging and validating the other person, both verbally and via body language.

For example, let's say someone says, my trip to Australia is only 5 days away.

If relevant, you could enthusiastically say something like, I can tell that really excites you.

It's not a question, it's simply acknowledging their emotions.

Or, if they share something heavy, like, it was hard losing a friend like that, saying something like, it seems like this change has been really heavy on you, or something.

It makes the other person feel seen and supported.

Number two, the conversation remains within your frame of comfort.

Your frame of comfort will look different depending on the situation, who you're having a conversation with.

It's just a fancy way of saying, what I feel comfortable talking about depends on who I'm talking to.

And I find that some of the best conversations are when you both are able to pick up on it without really verbally expressing it.