Name: 精神分析家だけど「カップル・夫婦関係」について質問ある？ | Tech Support | WIRED Japan
Uploaded: 2025-02-22T08:56:00.000Z
Duration: 30 min 40 s
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I'm Dr. Oryna Boralnyk, psychologist and psychoanalyst.

To-infinitive

I'm here to answer your questions from the internet.

All right, Level Studio says, you shouldn't have to change for your partner is an extremely silly oversimplification.

I agree that it's a silly oversimplification, but there is some wisdom in it.

You know, when people come to therapy to see a couples therapist, they often, their hidden agenda is, here's my partner, help me change them.

And one of the main things I have to do in couples therapy is kind of reverse that assumption that really what needs to happen is your partner needs to change, because that is not how it works.

For couples to live well together, each person needs to take responsibility for themselves and see what they can change within themselves and how can they learn to accept and love their partner for who they are.

Now, that doesn't mean that we don't adjust and take seriously how we impact our partner, but that is different from expecting your partner to truly change.

Depresso Espresso asks, my boyfriend thinks he should say whatever hurtful thing is on his mind because he values the truth.

If you're talking in hurtful ways to your partner, that is just not interesting, not helpful, only damaging.

The truth is not everything that comes to your mind.

The truth is what is constructive to the relationship.

Mutiny34 is asking, Reddit, if you have to ask yourself if you love your partner, does that mean you don't?

People's feelings are something that comes and goes and changes all the time, depending on the external and internal weather, depending on things that are happening around us, whether it's in the relationship or outside in the world.

Even though there might be a very steady undercurrent of love, the way you feel from moment to moment or day to day can change.

And sometimes you can lose touch with parts of yourself.

And those are moments when you might ask yourself, wait, what's happening here?

Dear Chanel exclaims, my boyfriend can't have female friends, exclamation mark.

Controlling your partner is probably not gonna be a good recipe for a solid relationship and for a mutually respectful relationship.

You want them to have like rich and full lives.

And if your relationship is based on limiting your partner's experience in the world, that is gonna eventually kill the relationship.

Zane Fox asks, how do you know your partner is the one?

It depends on what your philosophy of life is.

When do you decide to really commit yourself to another person depends on many things.

I don't know what it means really to be the one, but if you're in a relationship in which you're growing and thriving and feeling a lot of love and respect for your partner, that sounds pretty good.

I think people carry within them a lot of intense fantasies that sometimes get in the way of being in reality.

If you're in a good relationship and you're thriving, your life is getting better and you're full of love, that sounds pretty good.

At Coljoe, Anu asks, what do you all do when your partner needs space and you crave closeness?

That is actually almost the most common dynamic that gets formed in a relationship.

And sometimes people can take turns in terms of who's the one that wants and who's the one that retreats.

I sometimes think of it as a hairdryer kind of chasing a paper bag.

There's always some dynamic of push and pull.

First of all, accept that that's a common dynamic.

If you use the metaphor of the hairdryer, you might realize that sometimes the more you push, the more the other person will need to retreat.

So sometimes it's a good idea to paradoxically turn things around.

And when you realize that someone needs space, move back, lean back, take your own space, take care of yourself, do what you need.

And then when it's time, you'll both come back together.

Sepe the Stud is asking, is it just me or does couple therapy sound fun?

Like I'm just allowed to talk to my significant other like they ain't sitting right next to me.

Okay, I do think couples therapy can be fun.

I don't think couples therapy is talking about your significant others.

That's not a good use of the therapeutic space, but it's a good chance to talk about things that it feels too risky to talk about when you're on your own.

And what you learn in couples therapy is how to create space for a more risk-taking, dynamic, interesting conversation that eventually you'll be able to take home and you won't need your couples therapist for.

A Reddit user asks, is the inner child real or just therapy jargon?

It's definitely therapy jargon, but it's also a real thing in the sense that we all carry within us our childhood and memories of what it was like to be a child.

And we still have needs and feelings that pertain to that part of ourselves.

Now, some people continuously grow from their inner child and keep evolving and evolving and evolving.

And some people live in a more fragmented or dissociated way.

I'm not saying this is a pathological way of being, it's just we're different that way.

And some people really do keep within themselves a part that really is like an inner child, a part of themselves that hasn't necessarily developed and that they progress to or turn to under certain situations.

And then they really feel inside like a child.

But I think it's important for us to all, when we love another person, to actually tune in and to see that all of us still have childish, vulnerable, needy, small parts that are worth paying attention to.

Katie Seddit asks, are couples therapists not allowed to tell their clients to break up?

It's not that we're not allowed as couples therapists to tell people to break up.

I'm sure plenty of couples therapists do say to people, maybe it's time to break up.

I tend to be kind of indeed an optimist and a romantic.

Most of the time, I like to support couples in their attempt to find each other.

And I don't really see my job as to tell people how to live their lives.

I assume if they're coming to see me, they want to figure out a way to make things work.

And it might be really challenging, and that's a good challenge to face because the challenge in a relationship is to find a way to accept and know your partner and take them as they are and address what is coming up in you that is getting in the way.

I thought of another man while having sex with my husband.

I mean, one's fantasy life is generally one's private experience and you don't owe it to anyone.

But for some people in relationships, it's actually exciting and a fun thing to know about what's going on in your partner's fantasy life.

And for some people, it's too threatening.

Tiams to me is asking, successful couples don't fight less than other couples.

That's a quote from John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman who have done a lot of research on couples' work.

Not disagreeing or not fighting is not a realistic possibility between two people that are obviously different because you're two people.

Couples form a certain kind of political system between them.

So are you an autocratic political system?

Or do you try a democratic way of negotiating difference?

Listen well to each other, figure out how to compromise, figure out how to take turns.

Bipolar Mind at No Ease asks, do men not realize that only showing affection when they want sex makes us disinclined to physical touch?

Yeah, that is a pretty common thing that women complain about.

I think one of the issues here is that certain men, and this is luckily changing with the younger generation, sometimes do not really know how to establish a feeling of connection and affection and warmth when it's not sexual, meaning they have sex as one of their only languages to actually feel close to another person, which can be off-putting to a woman who has other ways of feeling affection and connection.

Part of the work is to expand the vocabulary of what the man learns how to do.

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精神分析家だけど「カップル・夫婦関係」について質問ある？ | Tech Support | WIRED Japan

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