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Lisa, wait.
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I'm sorry.
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I don't want you to not be in my life anymore.
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I'd like us to be friends.
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I'd like that too.
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Good.
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So when are you getting married?
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We haven't set a date.
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We're going to talk about it when Bo gets back from New York on Monday.
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So you're all alone for Thanksgiving?
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Yeah, why?
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Change of plans.
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The thing is, I really care for Lisa and she needs to believe I'm capable of changing.
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Ah, but the thing is, you're not.
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I don't know that.
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I might be.
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Who knows what would happen if I actually tried.
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You're really serious about this?
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Alan, I've got a 200-pound turkey melting in my lap.
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What do you think?
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Okay, okay.
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How can I help?
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Well, obviously we can't have a family Thanksgiving without a kid.
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So you need to get Jake back from your wife.
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Simple as that, huh?
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Okay, so I go to Judith and I say, forget the fact that we agreed on a custody schedule.
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Forget the fact that your parents are driving all the way from Sacramento to spend time with their grandson.
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Charlie needs to use our son as a prop so that he can maintain an on-again, off-again relationship with a woman with whom he might eventually wind up.
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You know what?
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I'll talk to her.
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No way in hell.
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Are you insane?
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What's wrong with you?
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Judith, what is Thanksgiving about if not family?
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And wouldn't it be good for Jake to spend Thanksgiving with his whole family?
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Because that's what Thanksgiving is about.
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Family and stuff.
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I don't know.
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And you wouldn't have to lift a finger.
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I'll have someone there to do the cooking, the serving, and the cleaning.
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Really?
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Who?
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My housekeeper, Berta.
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She's a saint and she's really looking forward to this.
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No way in hell.
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Are you insane?
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What's wrong with you?
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Come on.
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I don't work my life, you know.
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Pretty please?
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My brother is in the witness protection program and I've been invited to spend Thanksgiving with him at an undisclosed location.
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I'll give you $1,000.
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Done.
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Hi.
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You must be Jake.
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Yes, I am.
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My wonderful Uncle Charlie has opened his home to me and my father because we had nowhere else to go.
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Hey, Merry Thanksgiving.
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Jake, why don't you go?
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Okay.
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I'm thankful for my mom and dad and my Uncle Charlie who has shown in the few short months that I've been here, he is capable of significant change and growth.
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Too obvious?
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A little bit.
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Okay.
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Well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with all the people I love and all the people who love me.
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And Judith.
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I'm thankful I'll be dead someday and you'll all feel horrible you weren't nicer to me.
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Well, I'm thankful for you.
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And I hope you'll always be my friend.
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Okay.
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Well, I'm thankful for you too.
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And I'm thankful for everybody coming together today as unwitting participants in my desperate charade.
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Amen.
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Hey, everybody, stop.
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Mom, give me the knife.
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Charlie, don't be silly.
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You don't know how to carve a turkey.
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Maybe not, but I'm the head of this household and the head of the household is supposed to carve the turkey.
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Why?
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Because you saw it on some TV show?
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I swear you are just like your father.
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No, I am not just like my father.
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My father was afraid of you and I'm not anymore.
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Okay, there was one unresolved issue.
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Charlie, now you're being foolish.
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Give me the knife and sit down.
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Back off, lady.
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Every Thanksgiving, you took the knife away from dad.
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And when you did that, you took away his manhood.
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Well, you're not going to take it away from me.
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There.
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See?
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It's carved.
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It's carved.
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It's carved with my manhood.
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I don't think I'm very hungry anymore.
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Lisa, marry me.
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Marry you?
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You want me to marry you?
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Yes.
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You know, eventually.
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For what it's worth, I do love you.
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I know that.
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Best of luck.
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Thank you.
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You look good in long pants.
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Thanks.
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Charlie?
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We're still eating.
