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  • Ah, ah, ah, ah!

  • We love Halloween.

  • You've got a problem, lady.

  • This obsessive need to be dark and scary, you can't even stop yourself.

  • Ah!

  • Hi, honey.

  • Breakfast will be ready in a minute.

  • Ah!

  • My hand!

  • Ah!

  • Very funny, Mom.

  • I know it's Halloween.

  • Nice fake hand.

  • Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

  • Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

  • We love Halloween, especially Claire.

  • It's my favorite holiday.

  • Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary things.

  • If there was a new horror movie in town,

  • I was the first in line.

  • One, please.

  • And I meant Phil.

  • Two, please.

  • Every Halloween, we have the best house.

  • Last year, I took things to a whole new level, but apparently it was too scary for some kids.

  • And one adult.

  • Ah!

  • Trick or treat!

  • Would you like some candy?

  • Yeah!

  • Or would you rather have this?

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Ah!

  • Come on, you're fine.

  • I don't care what anyone says, you did not give that man a heart attack.

  • Thank you.

  • I mean, you're not even scary.

  • Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?

  • Yeah, sure, but.

  • It's genius.

  • An open house on Halloween.

  • Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their kids out of traffic now they can get away from all that and see a nice house.

  • What do you mean I'm not even scary?

  • I literally almost scared the life out of a man.

  • You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him.

  • That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

  • I was plenty scary.

  • I used professional grade makeup.

  • That's the point.

  • Claire, it was overkill.

  • You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.

  • Bye.

  • Oh, no, no.

  • This doesn't look real at all.

  • Alex, where's that blood you were using this morning on your finger?

  • Running through my veins, keeping me alive.

  • Oh, here comes dad.

  • He's going to be all like, no, what did you do?

  • Where's Awesome Land?

  • No, what did you do?

  • Where's Awesome Land?

  • Are you from the future?

  • Phil, honey, honey, we've had a little change of plans.

  • Why? What are you even doing here?

  • Shouldn't you be at work?

  • That obnoxious Ronnie was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle his decorations because he's trying to win this scariest house on the street contest.

  • And I was like, not only can I handle your decorations,

  • I'm going to win that contest.

  • So welcome to the insane asylum from hell.

  • That's what it feels like.

  • Come on, it's going to be fun.

  • The kids are going to be deranged mental patients.

  • And I am going to be a sadistic nurse, and you are a demented doctor.

  • 20 years of no, but for this, you'll dress like a nurse.

  • Oh, no.

  • Of course the woman is the nurse and the man is the doctor.

  • That kind of thinking, that's what's scary.

  • Tap out, it's a holiday.

  • You know, I put a lot of time and energy into my thing.

  • But you just shut it all down to prove something to people that we barely know and don't even like.

  • Phil, Ronnie made fun of Awesome Land.

  • He called it Candy Land.

  • So?

  • Stupidville.

  • Dumberg.

  • Who cares what he thinks?

  • Maybe someday you'll care what I think.

  • Phil.

  • Well, honey, look.

  • I kept your bunny.

  • Nibbles!

  • Monster, do my bidding.

  • I do as you command, master.

  • OK, Mom, you cannot have a problem with this.

  • I'm Mother Teresa.

  • Are you kidding me?

  • What?

  • I'm her back when she was hot.

  • I will pay you $10 to go put on more clothes.

  • But it's the first time you ever heard that one.

  • OK, you know what?

  • Here we go.

  • Let's just cover you up.

  • All right, now I just want to run through this really quick with everybody.

  • First, it's trick or treat.

  • And then Phil.

  • Come in if you dare.

  • Right, and then Dad does the thunder and the lightning and the fog.

  • Usher the children in past Alex and her cage.

  • I'm in a cage?

  • Yes, you're in a house of horrors being held against your will.

  • Yeah, I know.

  • So why do we need the cage?

  • And then Gloria pops up as the evil village brouhaha.

  • And she says, welcome to your nightmare.

  • And then Cam and Haley do their thing.

  • Kids get their candy.

  • They are ushered out.

  • They think it's all over, but it's not.

  • Because out on the porch, the scarecrow pops to life.

  • Pow for one final.

  • And that's Mitchell.

  • You're the scarecrow.

  • Oh, no, no.

  • I was in a costume all day.

  • It was awful.

  • It's nothing compared to when I was.

  • You don't own bad Halloweens.

  • Don't I?

  • We get it, Cam.

  • Hard day.

  • Mitchell, please.

  • The costume's in the kitchen.

  • Come on, hon.

  • All right, come here.

  • Before you go, I just want you to know, I love you more.

  • That's, OK, thanks, hon.

  • You're my best friend.

  • You really think it's appropriate to be strapping your teenage daughter to a gurney?

  • If we win, it is.

  • I'm going to have to take a pee break soon.

  • Ooh.

  • Here, use this bedpan.

  • I'm kidding. That's gross.

  • I put candy in it.

  • Here.

  • Luke.

  • Luke!

  • I think I fell asleep.

  • This thing is like a Temple Grandin hug.

  • Haley, sweetie, gown's on backwards.

  • Oh, no, it's cuter this way.

  • Sexy people go crazy, too, you know.

  • Read a people magazine.

  • Huh.

  • Phil, you're not even going to try on your doctor costume?

  • Nope.

  • But we're going to win.

  • Does that make you happy?

  • Do I look happy?

  • You've got a problem, lady.

  • This obsessive need to be dark and scary, you can't even stop yourself.

  • I can stop whenever I want.

  • Well, I'm not getting sucked in.

  • I'm having the Halloween that I wanted.

  • I'll fill you in at the staff meeting after