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  • *Timing by MrDonZea (YouTube: MrDonZea)*

  • Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers..

  • ..games that are in the realms of fantasy.

  • But... There's a huge, huge following for games based on sports! And I get a lot of requests for that..

  • And... I'm not really a big fan! Because..

  • I don't know, I... I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life..

  • ..whereas a sports game you could... go outside and play sports. It's possible.

  • Not for me, 'cause... I don't know anything about sports. I'm a fucking nerd!

  • Usually I stick to what I know best. But sports video games have been around since... video games first existed.

  • They're not going away. How do I ignore it for so long?

  • I can't. There's boxing and racing games... I don't mind those too much.

  • ..but the ones we're talking about are all the ball games, like baseball.

  • Look how many baseball games there are! I don't even know where to begin!

  • "Major League", "All Stars", whatever... Always named after players' names..

  • ..sequels to games... What the hell is different this time? It's baseball!

  • And there's basketball. NBA this and NBA that..

  • ..one of the most popular games of all time is "NBA Jam". Okay, it's basketball... again..

  • Football! Don't even get me started!

  • And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually use their foot..

  • ..I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! Ngh!

  • What I don't understand is why everything is always "bowl". What, like a toilet bowl?

  • Okay, I know at least what the "Super Bowl" is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season.

  • And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always... some pussy pop group?

  • Get Metallica in there or something! It doesn't make any sense!

  • All right. Back to football video games. Madden, Madden, Madden.

  • Madden '91, Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96...

  • ...Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003..

  • Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?! He doesn't even look like an athlete!

  • What is it with football? Everybody go, football!

  • Go there! Football! Football, football, football! Like, what the fuck?

  • Sunday football. Monday night football. Thursday football. Football on Thanksgiving!

  • Football on Christmas! And out of all sports, it's the one everybody goes the most fucking apeshit over!

  • Makes them act like fucking maniacs!

  • Eh... I gotta calm down.

  • All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start... with the Atari 2600. Yeah!

  • This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles!

  • "Baseball", "Basketball", "Football"... Not this "Madden" shit.

  • Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year..

  • ..not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish..

  • no quarterback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary..

  • ..unembellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein..

  • ..as blunt as an atom bomb, one compound word..

  • ..it's mother fucking, God damned, sons-of-bitchin', fuck-fuck-fucking FOOTBALL!

  • Aaand it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life.

  • Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads?

  • Is it team white versus team... naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean?

  • Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like.

  • Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. In other words, Hell.

  • Gonna make it. I'm gonna make it! Yeah! Yeah!

  • Touchdown! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Aaahhhh! Aaahhhh!

  • To be fair, football games had to start somewhere.

  • In "RealSports Football" and "Super Challenge Football" the players look more like people..

  • ..and the screen scrolls. In "Super Football", there's a 3D perspective.

  • Pretty ambitious for the Atari 2600. I'd say play this one.

  • Or the latest "Madden".

  • "Basketball", now this is some great stuff. What is this? Purple man can't jump?

  • I love that you're dribbling a square ball. That's right, this is before circles were invented.

  • I like how the players are constantly stomping around, like Les Claypool or Angus Young.

  • Or perhaps like a dog, getting its belly scratched.

  • Oh, look at this, look at this! Yeah! You can't do that in "NBA Jam"!

  • You can actually keep playing after the timer runs out.

  • This is a pretty fun game for what it is, but there are simple things they couldn't get right.

  • If you select 1 player, you get the 2 player mode, and if you select 2 players, you get the 1 player mode.

  • I'm not kidding.

  • When it comes to baseball games, there is a handful of them. Like "Home Run".

  • Even though I know nothing about sports, I can tell you one thing. There's only one pitcher in baseball!

  • What the hell is going on here? They eat the other players!

  • In the same way that Pac-Man eats the ghosts!

  • "Super Challenge Baseball" is slightly advanced.

  • By slightly I mean... it's like a bunch of restroom signs got loose and started playing a game of baseball.

  • The batter's sorta like a letter G that's been stepped on or something.

  • Nobody has a neck and they balance the balls on their heads.

  • But hey, it looks better than the other game. And graphics don't matter much if the game plays well.

  • And this one..

  • ..does not. It's shit.

  • I can't figure out how to control the other players. And it's Atari. There's not too many buttons to try.

  • Have you ever seen a game of baseball where the catcher runs out to get the ball?

  • By the time he gets it, the batter has already run the first base, had a cup of coffee, and watched the whole Godfather trilogy.

  • Then I tried throwing the ball back to the pitcher, but it keeps going through him.

  • What am I supposed to do to continue the game? I guess I gotta go downstairs to home plate.

  • "RealSports Baseball" is even more advanced. But the sound effects are awful. Listen.

  • That is the sound of all-encompassing negativity. Really, what's it supposed to be?

  • The sound of the bat cutting through space and time?

  • Why is the batter naked? I'm not trying to be funny, he is naked.

  • You can see all the other players wearing shirts and pants. The batter is naked.

  • And they gave him a dick. Maybe it's the knee, but then where's the other knee? It's a dick.

  • The batter is naked. Concluded.

  • "Ice Hockey".

  • It's somewhat playable. This is a little bit of an economic version of hockey.

  • They can only get two sticks, so when a player passes the puck to his teammate, they have to pass the stick, too.

  • "RealSports Volleyball".

  • Your teammate is your mirror double, and can only copy your every move.

  • When you bend over, you look like a harp. The sound of the ocean is like an atom bomb going off.

  • The net is like... nunchucks. And the sun is like Pac-Man with his mouth shut.

  • In fact, it is. Fun game, though. Very intuitive and playable.

  • "Boxing".

  • What is this? Geodude fighting Mr. Game&Watch in the middle of a baseball field?

  • I gotta admit, I was pretty confused looking at this, until I figured out that it's an overhead view.

  • All along I thought they were crabs or something.

  • This is hilarious. Too bad there's no fall-down graphic, because then we could have seen their whole bodies.

  • Let's step it up with "RealSports Boxing".

  • As the title suggests, this is the real version.

  • The graphics are way advanced, even though you can see through the outlines on their arms..

  • ..and when they get knocked down, they look like they've been squashed by a steamroller..

  • They punch each other so hard the sounds of their impacts resonate like a cannon blast.

  • And one more thing: you can select your character. For the 2600, that is pretty innovative.

  • "Tennis".

  • Playable? Yes. Graphically advanced? No. Is that a net, or is it a wall?

  • Could they not make a simple grid?

  • Yes, they could! "RealSports Tennis" actually has a net. And get this: you can enter a name!

  • Not that I care to, but it's another interesting thing to see in a 2600 game.

  • "Grand Pricks". Yeah, it's "prix", but it looks like pricks.

  • It's a bunch of kazoos flying through a cabbage patch. Not too bad.

  • But then try out "Math Grand Prix". Your car can't move until you finish a math question!

  • You wouldn't wish this game on your worst enemies.

  • "Karate". What's up with your legs? They're multi-jointed!

  • It's like you're fighting on a giant Combo! You know, those little pretzel bites with cheese in the middle?

  • Yeah, I'm stretching now.

  • Before there were combos in "Killer Instinct", you were... mashing the button hoping you'll eventually hit your opponent.

  • It's crap. Moving on.

  • "International Soccer". Have 45 minutes to spare? Then I wouldn't recommend it.

  • Let's see if "Pelé's Soccer" is any better. Oh my God!

  • Oh, man! Which one is Pelé? Let me guess, the round one.

  • This is the only sports game I think I've ever played, where the controls are so broken it's impossible to score!

  • Even if you purposely let your opponent come near your goal, you can't keep your goalie from automatically blocking the ball!

  • And when you get to the opposite goal, you can't keep your players from automatically kicking the ball all over the place!

  • I'm not even touching the button! Stop kicking the fucking ball!

  • "Golf".

  • This. Sucks. You can whack the ball until the cows come home, but that ball is not going anywhere you want it to.

  • Every time I try to hit it, it goes straight up or down!

  • I've tried approaching it from every angle possible. The club is useless.

  • It's like the staff in "Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde".

  • Oh, c'mon!

  • Oh my God! Get it over there!

  • Fuck! And the par is 3?

  • How could anyone do this in three strokes? I've actually reached 99 and rolled the counter over to 0!

  • If I can get 3 now, would that count?

  • And this person golfing looks like Mimal the elf.

  • Now I have to explain. If you look on the United States map..

  • ...Mimal is an acronym for Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, and Louisiana.

  • Spells Mimal, and looks like an elf. With Minnesota being the hat, Louisiana being the foot.

  • And that's Mimal playing golf. But am I talking about video games here, or US geography?

  • Let's move on. Let's try "Miniature Golf".

  • What the hell, man? It's like the characters from Pong went to play golf!

  • Hoho, Good Lord! Oh, it's killing me!

  • Oh, you're a square, pushing a smaller square towards another sq...[laughs] my God...

  • I don't even know what to say about this game! Just look at it!

  • Well, that's Atari Sports for you. Some of these games were pretty innovative for their time..

  • ..and others were... a little crappy.

  • I think it's obvious to say that in all the years since, sports games have done better.

  • So if that's the type of game you enjoy, then game on.

  • Maybe you're the kind of person who remembers which bush to burn in "The Legend of Zelda" to find the labyrinth..

  • ..or maybe you're the kind of person who remembers the score to some sports game years ago.

  • Maybe you like to go around in a "Star Trek" uniform, or you like to go around in a sports uniform.

  • And I don't mean like a sports T-shirt, but the same jersey that the players in the game wear.

  • Whatever the case, maybe, somehow, in our own ways, we're all nerds.

*Timing by MrDonZea (YouTube: MrDonZea)*

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B1 madden football baseball fucking ball atari

Atari Sports - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 109

  • 50 1
    eaglekuo posted on 2014/10/21
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