How to say sorry when you've done that?

This is one of those things that's not if. It's when. Because we're all gonna do it.

In fact, Bishop Desmond Tutu wrote a book about forgiveness. And he said, "We are all broken." And from that brokenness, we hurt each other.

And then he set up forgiveness as the healing path that we can take once it's happened.

So, it's going to happen and you've probably noticed it.

And probably you're dealing with something right now where just because of some brain cramp that got in your way and had you do something that hurts someone that you love.

You know what? I hate this. Personally.

I love my wife so much. And I'm constantly doing stupid brain-dead kinds of things that have her feeling hurt.

I don't want to do it. You can probably relate, right?

We don't want to hurt them but we do.

So, acknowledging that, what can we do to make an appropriate apology?

To say that we're sorry? To convey that in a way that really is meaningful?

Do you remember when you're a little kid and you did something that hurt someone and your mom said, "What do you say?"

And you're like, "I'm sorry, gosh!"

Alright? How does that come across? Yeah, that's not it.

So, five tips for you. And the first one is be sincere.

Okay? I know that you are because you're trying to find out a way to solve this.

Be sincere. That's superficial I just need to meet the requirement kind of approach is not going to fly, okay?

And that usually makes it worse.

So it has to come from the most sincere place in your own heart and mind.

That you really care about this issue and you want to make it right. Be sincere.

Tip number 2. Be specific.

So, it's not just, "I am so sorry." Okay, that's sincere, right? But it's not specific. Sorry for what? Yeah.

So, you get to come to terms with the boneheaded thing that you did.

And be very specific about that. Now that leads to tip number 3 and let's talk about these two together.

Because being sincere has to be tied to number 3, focus on the person who was hurt.

Not you. Alright?

So, "I'm sorry that I am such an idiot." No. That's specific, it's not very sincere actually.

It's really more self-deprecating. Be sincere and focus on the person who was hurt.

"I am so sorry that I caused you to be late for that important meeting."

Okay? Now that is both specific and sincere, alright?

Specific and sincere and it's focused on the person who was hurt. Those are the first three tips. Number 4 is going to help too.

Stay in front of your but. Spell B-U-T, Alright?

"But" shows up and gets in our way sometimes. Well, I'm really sorry that I did that "but". Now what's coming next?

Yeah, some kind of a justification or shifting the blame to someone else.

You got to stay in front of your but. And what that means is, when you hear the but coming in your own mind, stop, pause, zip it at that point.

Stay in front of whatever you say before the but, okay?

So, "I am really sorry that I caused you to be late for that important meeting." If you say but, you just spoiled the whole thing.

And you took the focus off of the person who is hurt in the first place.

And it's coming back to "But you didn't tell me that you needed to be there by then or you did this or that that caused me to do whatever that causes us to be late."

No. Don't go there. Stay in front of your but.

And then tip number 5. I'll review all of these here in just a second.

Tip number 5. When it's appropriate, offer to share what you have learned or what your commitment is moving forward.

So, in addition to saying you're sorry in a sincere and specific way that focuses on the person who's been hurt, you're staying in front of your but and you're showing them that you are bright enough and attentive enough to learn from your mistakes,

so that as you move forward it's less likely that it's going to happen again.

So, can you picture how that could play out?

You give your sincere specific apology focused on the person who is hurt staying in front of your but.

And then you say something like, "You know what I've really learned from this is that I need to track a little better what other people are doing. And not get so caught up in my own thoughts.

Because I want to be there for you in the future. You can count on me moving forward to not repeat that mistake. I really don't want to hurt you."

Do you see how that could possibly help you to not only do an appropriate apology but to take some important steps forward in building this relationship in a powerful and healthy way?

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