You know, that's the purpose of comedy is to raise levity from the dark topics, you know.

I understand you come here to find a relief and relax and take a break from the world and you should.

That's my motto when it comes to comedy.

You should enjoy this moment right now because you never know when you're gonna die in a mass shooting.

You know what I'm saying?

That's something.

See, some of you get the point, enjoy this moment now because after this, you're on your own.

I know people are like, "I don't want to talk about gun violence," like, "OK, Republican Senator," you know what I mean?

Listen, I wrote a couple of things on it and I understand this might not be for you.

And I apologize in advance.

Literally, my thoughts and prayers go to you.

Because I do think it is something we need to talk about because listen, right now, homicides and suicides by gun are on the rise and that's a problem.

But here's the good news.

They're not as high as they were in their peak, which was in the '90s.

Isn't that crazy?

I'm a millennial.

We glorify the shit out of the '90s.

We're like, "It was the best era ever."

"Maybe they get suicides and homicides, you know, like we leave that part out, but we had the best music."

"What. Fucking Tupac, Biggie, Kurt Cobain."

"What happened to those guys?"

"Man, I miss him."

"I miss him."

I got you with that one, dude.

I finally got you back, bro.

All right.

All right, good luck.

It's dark.

You saw that?

That was good.

That was pretty good.

Took about a minute.

Cerebral, right?

But listen, like we're all scared and I understand that's why it's hard to address this.

But like the thing we need to realize is like we can't depend on others to keep us safe.

You know, even me as a comedian, I can't keep you guys safe, believe it or not.

We can't even count on our law enforcement.

We saw, right?

They took an hour to go stop a shooting.

This is fucking crazy.

Like we're at the point now we need creative solutions.

We need somebody who actually will be brave enough to run in and stop an active shooter at a school.

I have an idea.

Registered sex offenders.

Hear me out, just hear me out, hear me out a little bit.

Ok?

We round up all the registered sex offenders in the local area.

Trust me, there's a lot, I looked it up.

Yeah, we all should move.

We round them up and we ask them politely to watch the school.

All right?

And yes, this happens to be their favorite thing to do. Ok?

We're creating incentives.

We don't arm them, we don't arm them.

No, we put a tracking device so they stay a safe distance all the time.

Just eyes, right?

Some of you are still not on board with this.

OK?

Listen, judge me all you want, OK?

I do not condone pedophilia.

But you and I both know, unlike half this fucking country, the pedophiles actually care about the survival of our kids, OK?

So we asked them to watch the school, just eyes and God forbid, God forbid,

there's a shooting, we tell them, "You run, you save the children, you do it for the children."

And they will, they'll do it, they'll do it because they love the kids more than us.

They will run and stop an active shooter and yes, if one of them dies, then we need to agree that God forgives them, OK?

This is about redemption now. This is some higher stuff, right?

And if they survive, saving the school, then we make them superintendent.

I don't know.

I haven't really thought that out completely.

I'm just saying the only thing that could stop a bad guy with a gun is a pedophile with a cause, all right?

And that's how you turn registered offenders into registered defenders, all right?

Thank you.

Thank you.