Name: The best relationship advice no one ever told you
Uploaded: 2024-01-29T21:01:30.000Z
Duration: 11 min 26 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

Basic quantifiers

Man, if there's a topic that has arguably too much advice out there, it'd be relationships.

The imperative

Now look, I am not a relationship expert.

Go ask my girlfriend. She would definitely agree.

But I am honest and I've read 50 to 100 books on the subject because I think it's infinitely fascinating, isn't it?

How about three of the best tips I've ever heard on relationships.

Right off the bat, one of the best tips is avoid getting into a relationship in the first place.

A lot of relationships seem to just be based on momentum.

"Oh, he talked to me. So I guess we're going out."

"Oh, we went out so I guess we'll start dating."

"Oh, we're dating, I guess we'll move in together."

"Oh, we moved in together, that means we should date, uh, until we're married."

"Oh, now we're engaged, we'll get married and have kids and then whatever."

So many times we base our who, like who we're gonna marry, who we're in a relationship from, on momentum.

And it's these three reasons you should be very careful for, of just letting the momentum sweep you away.

So, for our first point, it's avoid these three reasons right here.

I got these from an article written by Mark Manson.

Mark's article synthesized 1500 married couples advice for relationships.

Here are the three wrong reasons to marry someone or stay in a relationship with them.

You are marrying someone to make you less lonely.

My biological clock's running out so I might as well get married.

I'm tired of dating. So, you know, I guess that'll do.

And the third is thinking love is the only thing that matters.

It's actually our next point and I don't mean to crush the hopes and dreams of all the hopeless romantics out there.

You know, some people's definition of "they don't love me" is literally they're behaving in a way that's not 100% what I want all the time.

Most people's definition of love is very short-term.

And what's scary is that, that is the first phase of love and then if that goes away or I guess runs out, people think that, "Oh my God, I made a mistake. I shouldn't be married," and they divorce.

Some of the best relationship advice that I ever received: love is important, but it's half the battle.

You know what's crazy about love is that in love feeling that most people are going after and they want that to last like, happily ever after for 50, 60 years, that actually occupies the same parts of the brain that light up as hard drugs.

I'm just saying that to put in perspective how like obsessive and addictive that can be if you've ever been in the first month, three months of a relationship and wondered, "Wow, why does it feel like I'm obsessed with this person?" because it's like a hard drug.

And when that runs out, you know, we're looking around for that next hit, next hit, and I think that we mistake that in-love feeling right there as like if that's gone, then this thing is over to hell in a hand basket. I'm out of here.

What's also crazy about that in-love feeling is I was reading in some articles and books that it reduces the negative filtering in your brain.

So you literally put on rose colored glasses.

Meaning that you can overlook things that are red flags are huge, glaring flaws in someone or a potential partner because that in-love phase chemical is going on.

Yeah. Sure. He has a temper and a drinking problem and you know, he cheated on his last two girlfriends, but he just does something to me I can't explain.

Not seeing the logical parts or the logical flaws in someone is because literally that in-love phase is hi jerking your brain.

Well, the second piece of advice that's the best out there is that love is half the battle, the other half is compatibility, and love and compatibility are not the same thing and you can't conflate the two.

Sometimes you actually fall in love with people you are not compatible with or sometimes you're really compatible with people that, you know, you're not in love with.

And if you only go after this and you never prioritize the compatibility factor, when this fades away, you're gonna be left with someone that you're super incompatible with and no wonder that didn't work.

The right circumstance, the right like environment, the right life settings, maybe the right amount of alcohol.

You look on reality shows that are based around love and there's people on there that are head over heels in love and then, you know, a month later they're falling apart.

Love is Blind on Netflix or something or The Bachelor is a good example because those manufactured situations, I don't doubt that they weren't in love.

Being in love is kind of easy; falling in love doesn't really take much skill and that's ok, that's not negative.

Look, the main point is that you can fall in love with people that you're not compatible and it's hard to see it when you're in the weeds.

But you know this. Have you ever seen your friends or family, and you're an objective, third-party point of view,

so you look at them, they're with someone that's totally not good for them.

And you're thinking, "What is going on? Show up to the family reunion with this?"

That's because you're not the one in love, so you can objectively see it.

"Maybe not compatible."  Does that makes sense?

One of the most important things that when they survey happily married couples that comes up is the point that love is a choice.

Just like you choose to get up and you go to the gym every day if you're a healthy person.

You've made that commitment, it's a choice. Just like some people say happiness, it's actually a choice.

Just like we talk about on this channel that your beliefs create reality.

You can choose beliefs that influence your actions and influence your reality.

Not look for something better in a world that, you know, there's just endless options.

One app away that's literally conditioned everyone to just swipe swipe, swipe, swipe swipe, something better is on the way, something better is on the way, something better is on the way.

I don't know. If you're always looking for the next thing that's better, maybe we'll just have 53 month relationships and they'll feel kind of shallow.

But if what you really want is that lasting long term, remember that love and compatibility are two different things.

And that really brings us to our last piece of advice.

Again, in the world where there's endless options, one swipe away.

I think we're conditioned to look for the right person.

I haven't found anyone who matches my energy or my style or my needs or my bucket list.

My whole view on relationships shifted in one sentence.