And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, they don't check anything.

There's just a big revolving door.

You walk right in.

They don't even check your ID.

It's easier to get into Mexico than a Costco.

You just walk in and that's it.

But coming back was a totally different story.

Coming back from Mexico to the US.

There's no more revolving doors.

Now, it's a concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M-16 machine guns.

And I was super nervous being an immigrant and all.

And my college buddy, Ian, next to me, he was like, "Jimmy, don't worry, man. Just tell them your American, they'll let you right through."

I'm like, "Easy for you to say, Ian."

Ian walks up, he gets through no problem.

I walk up, the first thing they asked me, they're like, "Sir, are you an American citizen?"

I was like, "Yes," but I forgot one very minor detail that I wasn't.

I was still an immigrant on a green card and I wasn't a full-on citizen yet.

Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box and they started interrogating me.

They're like, "Sir, why did you lie about your American citizenship?"

I was like, "I'm so sorry, I'm drunk and I really wasn't trying to lie.

My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, so that's just what I did. It was a knee-jerk reaction."

He was like, "Well, was he American?"

I was like, "Well, his name is Ian, so probably."

And then the officer was like, "Sir, you do understand this is a very serious offense. We could deport you for this."

I was like, "Deport me. I didn't even know that was an option.

What was I going to do back in Hong Kong?

Restart my ping pong career?

That ship has sailed, man."

So I was like, "Sir, please, please don't deport me.

I'm just drunk, stupid college student. I'm every bit American.

I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to.

I'm in three fantasy football leagues, if that's not American, I don't know what it is."

And I got very lucky.

This is what he said.

He was like, "Look kid, you are lucky. We are not going to deport you today, okay?

But just don't ever do that again or we send you back to where you came from."

And this motherfucker was Asian.

I was like, "Where I came from, we came from the same place, dog?

I think I saw you at my uncle's wedding two years ago.

Why are you gonna throw me into the bus?"

That guy definitely watched The Great Wall many times.

But that was a very sobering experience.

I had been in the country for 10 years at that point, but I still wasn't American.

Nothing has changed.

I finally got my citizenship three years ago.

You don't have to clap. My point is nothing has changed.

Still Asian.

Just because I got a new passport, nobody in any part of the world is going to come up to me and be like, "Hey, look, there's an American.

Holy shit. He looks just like Rocky Balboa. Oh my God."

No, no, no, no.

The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic.

So I went to my local Hooters.

Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light.

I was watching the World Cup.

It was USA versus Mexico.

And I was like, "Man, I am cheering for team USA. I am American, finally."

And this old Mexican dude came up to me.

He couldn't really speak English, and this is what he said.

He was like, "Amigo. Mexico, Korea, tomorro. Huh?"

And I'm like, "What the fuck are you talking about? What, are you trying to start World War Three or something?"

I'm not even a Korean.

He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew.

So I really felt the need to explain myself.

I was like, "Sir, I'm not, I'm not Korean, I'm Chinese," and he looked back to his friends and he was like, "oh, pinche chinito."

And I'm like, "Sir, you, you do know that I can understand what that means. Ok? I have Mexican friends back home just like you."

He was like, "No, I'm not Mexican, I'm El Salvador."

And I'm like, "Oh, great. Now I'm the fucking racist."