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  • - Here's why I love chocolate so much.

  • You see, in this country a person is assumed to be white

  • unless otherwise specified.

  • (audience laughs)

  • That's why I like chocolate.

  • Because when you first think of chocolate,

  • you think of something brown.

  • (audience laughs)

  • And if you think of white chocolate first,

  • well, then you're a racist.

  • (audience laughs)

  • My favorite band growing up was Weezer.

  • (audience cheers)

  • I love that band, I love that band,

  • despite two, three, four crappy records in a row.

  • I forgave that band, because they were my childhood.

  • I went to a Weezer concert a couple of years ago,

  • excited to hear the old hits.

  • I get there, the usher comes up to me and he says,

  • "Sir, the parents section's upstairs."

  • (audience laughs)

  • Parents section?

  • Nah. (audience laughs)

  • (audience claps)

  • I came to rock. (audience laughs)

  • You take me to the pit.

  • Now, a mosh pit at a Weezer concert

  • is different than other mosh pits, right?

  • A mosh pit at a Weezer concert is basically

  • nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin "Only In Dreams" for you.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Yes, I lost my virginity to that song as well.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Which is a lie, they're both virgins.

  • (audience laughs)

  • So I go down to the pit, I go down to the pit.

  • I'm excited to be there.

  • And when I get there, I realize everyone's staring at me.

  • Why?

  • 'Cause they're all 14 years old.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Somehow Weezer's demographic has not changed in 15 years.

  • They're still 14 to 17 year olds.

  • They're all staring at me as if I'm the creepy old dude.

  • (audience laughs)

  • The creepy old dude at a Weezer concert at 27.

  • Felt terrible, and then I started thinking about it.

  • You know what?

  • I'm not the creepy old dude in this situation.

  • Weezer are the creepy old dudes in this situation.

  • (audience laughs) (audience claps)

  • They're 40 year old men who are making music

  • that somehow teenagers can relate to.

  • Isn't that a bit strange?

  • (audience laughs)

  • "Life is hard.

  • "Girls don't like me.

  • "High school's weird."

  • Of course, it's weird, you're 40.

  • (audience laughs) (audience claps)

  • What are you talking about?

  • Don't you hate when you have an amazing show

  • and you can't wait to hang out with that 16 year old girl

  • you're in love with,

  • and she's all like, "Aren't you my dad's friend?"

  • And that's Weezer.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Let's be honest, audience,

  • the end of that joke, it was disappointing.

  • You laugh 'cause you were told to, but like it's not a...

  • (audience laughs)

  • The end of that joke wasn't particularly good.

  • I realize that.

  • Like, you know, it started out kinda funny,

  • had a couple of nice big punch lines

  • in the beginning of the joke,

  • and then it plateaued for a while.

  • Really building off the momentum

  • from the early part of the joke.

  • And then the end like was really disappointing.

  • And you may wonder why I did that.

  • I'll tell you why.

  • I wanted to write a joke

  • that echoed the trajectory of Weezer's career.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I was on a plane recently.

  • I was reading the in-flight magazine.

  • The in-flight magazine for that particular trip

  • was an environmental issue.

  • Yeah, I was reading about the environment

  • while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.

  • (audience laughs)

  • So I'm clearly cynical, but I'm bored.

  • So I'm reading the first article.

  • The first article's called "Top 10 Endangered Places."

  • Here's the first sentence, "Climate change and tourism

  • "are threatening to destroy these natural wonders."

  • Okay, I'm kinda surprised here.

  • Clearly tourism is in the best interest

  • of the airline industry.

  • Way to go, man, some responsibility, airline.

  • But then I read rest of the sentence.

  • "Climate change and tourism are threatening

  • "to destroy these natural wonders.

  • "So you might want to plan a trip now

  • "before these sites are gone for good."

  • (audience laughs)

  • We're screwed. (audience laughs)

  • We're screwed because some corporations

  • are treating the planet

  • like we're in second semester senior year.

  • (audience laughs)

  • It's almost over, (beep) it.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Let's get to the pressing issues of the day, okay?

  • The more important issues of the day.

  • Vegan soul food, what the (censored)?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Really?

  • Really, vegans, you dare bring that into the earth?

  • Really vegans?

  • That doesn't even make any sense.

  • Now let's think about this for a moment, okay?

  • And what's the history of soul food?

  • Slaves were given the worst parts of the animals.

  • Pigs feet, things like that.

  • They had to cover it in lard and spices,

  • whatever they could to make that taste delicious.

  • Soul food is steeped

  • in African-American history and tradition.

  • Then you have vegan food.

  • Now vegans also start with a limited number of ingredients.

  • But arguably what they end up with

  • tastes worse than what they started with.

  • (audience laughs) (audience claps)

  • That's arguable, that's arguable.

  • I argue it, because it's true.

  • Some would argue otherwise, and they're wrong.

  • Because I have had vegan Thanksgiving

  • of tofurky and soy gravy. (audience laughs)

  • And it's not to say that Thanksgiving

  • will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans,

  • but vegan Thanksgiving,

  • that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?

  • (audience laughs) (audience claps)

  • Thank you. (audience claps)

  • Now again, the bigger point here

  • is vegans don't use animal products in their food.

  • And that's a key part of soul food.

  • That is an essential part of soul food, animal products.

  • Therefore, vegan soul food is essentially

  • a heavy metal cover album of Motown classics.

  • (energetic music)

  • Heavy metal is rock music

  • stripped of its historic Black elements.

  • It can't properly cover Motown.

  • If I saw a heavy metal cover album of Motown classics,

  • I would not buy it,

  • unless of course, the record was called Vegan Soul Food.

  • (audience laughs)

  • At which point it is high concept, and Daddy must have it.

  • Daddy must have it. (audience laughs)

  • I mean, Hindus aren't supposed to convert.

  • But if we were, at least we'd have some options, you know?

  • At least we know how to sell God, you know?

  • Hey man, let me ask you a question, you like elephants?

  • I got elephant god right here.

  • Elephant god, Ganesha, elephant god?

  • Can get you through hard times, man.

  • He'll get you through hard...

  • No, not for you?

  • That's cool, elephants are scary for some people.

  • I get it, you like monkeys?

  • I got monkey god, monkey god?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Monkey, Hanuman. (audience claps)