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  • - Diversity is not a human construct

  • it is a fact of life.

  • The question is:

  • Are we going to use it to rip society apart?

  • Or are we going to deploy it to stitch society together?

  • All of us as human beings,

  • we are born with a brain

  • that is scanning for threats five times a second.

  • And so, when we encounter points of view

  • that differ from our own,

  • that primitive brain makes us feel

  • more stressed and more defensive than we mean to be,

  • and that, in turn, makes us want to lash back.

  • And we're doing this

  • right across the ideological spectrum now.

  • "You're a Democrat. I have nothing more to say to you

  • because we're obviously going to disagree."

  • "Oh, you're a Republican:

  • You are evil, and that's all I need to know."

  • The problem with labels is not that they are labels;

  • the problem is that we human beings are not static.

  • We are constantly evolving, regressing, evolving some more,

  • and what that means is the way to bring people together,

  • to actually solve nagging problems,

  • is to recognize that humanity.

  • Not exploit it, but in fact, relate to it.

  • My name is Irshad Manji.

  • And today, I'll teach you five really simple skills

  • that reduce emotional defenses

  • to turn contentious issues into constructive conversations

  • for the sake of taking action together.

  • I was what we'd call today, a "culture warrior."

  • - 'Ladies and gentlemen, Irshad Manji.'

  • - And I would turn potentially healthy discussions,

  • into noxious debates.

  • 'Is your organization also reaching out to mosques

  • and asking them, in fact, demanding of them-'

  • Because I had to win, because I was right,

  • and because I was right, they were wrong.

  • 'Very big difference, in that respect.'

  • 'But, but you see, this is where support-'

  • 'But why do I have to push you to give them credit?'

  • Was I moving the needle? Hell no!

  • I was, actually, making my critics

  • more defensive and dogmatic.

  • - 'We will be back for another head-to-head.'

  • - If all you want to do is thump your chest,

  • and throw your hands up in victory,

  • and claim that you've slam-dunked your other

  • all right.

  • But then understand,

  • that you have zero credibility complaining

  • that the so-called other side isn't changing.

  • 'Cause guess what?

  • You haven't given them any incentive to change.

  • To engage, actually takes a set of skills

  • a tool kit that equips us to do two things:

  • Understand where other people are coming from,

  • and be understood for where we are coming from.

  • And shift the paradigm from either/or, to both/and.

  • Skill number one: Breathe, but breathe deeply.

  • Yes, I know you can roll your eyes at this,

  • it sounds airy-fairy.

  • But when we breathe deeply, we do something very different

  • than we tend to do as humans under stress.

  • Under stress, we become very shallow breathers.

  • That deprives my own brain of the oxygen that it needs

  • to transition from the hyperemotional ego region,

  • to the much more evolved prefrontal cortex,

  • where cognition and emotion can coexist.

  • Skill number two: Don't merely seek common ground,

  • proactively create it.

  • Instead of leaving it up to chance that maybe, just maybe,

  • we'll find something that unifies us

  • before we dive into our differences,

  • try saying, "Look, I know that you and I

  • are gonna disagree about this issue, but I also know

  • that you are so much more than just this issue.

  • Can you remember the same about me?"

  • Skill number three:

  • Before stating where you're coming from,

  • ask a sincere question.

  • Be the leader that doesn't need to be right instantly,

  • or even all the time.

  • Ask them, "What do you think I'm missing

  • about where you're coming from?"

  • "Be my teacher."

  • That gives me then the credibility

  • to be your teacher later on.

  • You are modeling what it is to build the kind of culture

  • that makes for inquiry, rather than inquisition.

  • Skill number four: Having now asked a question,

  • what are you gonna do?

  • Well, of course you're gonna listen

  • or are you?

  • There are at least two ways to listen:

  • You can listen to win, or you can listen to learn.

  • So, how do you tell the difference between the two?

  • Very easily.

  • If I'm listening to win, then in the back of my head,

  • I'm poking holes in the other's arguments.

  • I'm not really trying to learn from that argument.

  • But when I go in with the mindset that,

  • "I have something to learn;

  • that I'm not here to change your mind

  • quite the opposite.

  • I hope you're gonna change mine

  • because maybe I don't get it."

  • When you can sincerely show that this is not a tactic,

  • it's not a tool to manipulate,

  • that's when you're listening to learn.

  • Which brings us to the fifth skill:

  • Ask another question.

  • But this time, start with three simple words,

  • "Tell me more."

  • I'll tell you about a recent instance

  • in which this produced great results:

  • A deputy superintendent of police

  • was at a raucous town hall meeting about homelessness.

  • Activists was yelling at the city councilors.

  • City councilors were not motivated to listen.

  • The police officer approaches her to say,

  • "Listen, I think we can work something out.

  • Here's my card, call me."

  • She looks at him. He happened to be a man of color.

  • And she said, "You're nothing but a token."

  • And instead of merely reacting to her,

  • he responded, "Tell me more."

  • She didn't know what to do with that.

  • She expected belligerence. He didn't give it to her.

  • She took his card, and a week later, she called.

  • And she apologized, "I saw your uniform, I'm sorry.

  • I assumed about you what I shouldn't have."

  • And he quickly and graciously accepted,

  • and they moved on to work together on a solution.

  • So, none of this is merely theoretical

  • it is informed by behavioral science.

  • Does that mean that you practice one of these skills

  • and handholding harmony will break out?

  • Obviously, not.

  • But what you are doing is habituating yourself

  • into a way of being that, at the very least,

  • will exponentially increase the chances

  • of healthy outcomes to contentious conversations

  • that assumes you want healthy outcomes.

  • So, I bring it back

  • to probably the most uncomfortable question

  • that we always need to ask:

  • What am I really in this for?

  • Am I in it to solve the problem?

  • Or am I in it to feel morally superior?

  • Only you can decide

  • choose wisely.

- Diversity is not a human construct

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