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You and your friend need to ace Friday's exam to avoid summer classes, and after a week of studying, you both feel confident that you pulled it off.
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But when you get your grades back, they're much lower than the two of you expected.
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You're devastated.
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However, your friend doesn't seem too bothered, and it's making you wonder why you can't shake this off like they can.
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But should you really be trying to look on the bright side?
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And is controlling our emotions even possible in the first place?
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The answer to the last question is a definitive "yes."
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There are numerous strategies for regulating our emotions, and one framework to understand these techniques is called the Process Model.
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Psychologists use this tool to identify where and how to intervene in the process that forms our emotions.
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That process has four steps:
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first, we enter a situation, real or imagined, and that draws our attention.
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Then we evaluate, or appraise, the situation and whether it helps or hinders our goals.
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Finally, this appraisal leads to a set of changes in how we feel, think, and behave, known as an emotional response.
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Each step of this process offers an opportunity to consciously intervene and change our emotions,
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and the Process Model outlines what strategies we might try at each phase.
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To see this in action, let's imagine you've been invited to the same party as your least-favorite ex and their new partner.
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Your first strategy could be avoiding the situation altogether by skipping the party.
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But if you do attend, you could also try modifying the situation by choosing not to interact with your ex.
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If that's proving difficult, you might want to shift your attention, maybe by playing a game with your friends rather than focusing on your ex's new partner.
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Another option would be to re-evaluate how you think about the situation.
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After seriously reappraising things, you might realize that you don't care who your ex dates.
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If none of these strategies work, you can always try tempering your emotional response after the fact.
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But this can be tricky.
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Many of the easiest ways to do this, like hiding your emotions or trying to change them with recreational drugs,
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generally lead to more negative feelings and health concerns in the long term.
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More sustainable strategies here include going for a long walk, taking slow, deep breaths, or talking with someone in your support system.
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While using all these strategies well takes practice, learning to notice your emotions and reflect on where they're coming from is half the battle.
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And once you've truly internalized that you can regulate your emotions, doing so becomes much easier.
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But should you use these techniques to constantly maintain a good mood?
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That answer depends on how you define what makes a mood "good."
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It's tempting to think we should always try to avoid sadness and frustration, but no emotion is inherently good or bad—they're either helpful or unhelpful depending on the situation.
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For example, if a friend is telling you about the loss of a loved one, feeling and expressing sadness isn't just appropriate, it can help you empathize and support them.
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Conversely, while it's unhealthy to regularly ignore your emotions, forcing a smile to get through a one-time annoyance is perfectly reasonable.
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We hear a lot of mixed messages about emotions.
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Some pressure us to stay upbeat while others tell us to simply take our emotions as they come.
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But in reality, each person has to find their own balance.
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So, if the question is: "should you always try to be happy?"
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The answer is no.
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Studies suggest that people fixated on happiness often experience secondary negative emotions, like guilt, or frustration over being upset, and disappointment that they don't feel happier.
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This doesn't mean you should let sadness or anger take over.
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But strategies like reappraisal can help you re-evaluate your thoughts about a situation,
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allowing you to accept that you feel sad and cultivate hope that things will get better.
