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  • *classical music*

  • Welcome back master, young lady.

  • Welcome to @home cafe

  • Welcome back master, young lady.

  • M: *gasp of excitement*

  • M: I'm so excited!

  • M: How about you, Simon?

  • S: Yeah...

  • M: We are at our very first maid cafe in Akihabara

  • M: and they're doing a special Gudetama event so, it's like, double exciting!

  • M: We have adorable maids everywhere who are going to feed us Moe Moe food

  • M: and then on top of that, there's like Gudetama hanging around

  • M: a-and we can take pictures with them

  • M: and this is the most exciting magical day ever and Simon is a little bit overwhelmed right now.

  • S: I don't think I- I appreciate this enough yet?

  • S: But um, Martina's really having a good time

  • M: YOU CAN BUY CURRIES IN THE SHAPE OF PUURPIES!!!

  • M: PUPPIES!!

  • [The menu offers both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks]

  • [Savoury food with custom drawings...]

  • [And adorable desserts!]

  • *explaining menu in Japanese*

  • S: Alcohol, thank you, I'm gonna be needing alcohol!

  • *explaining menu in Japanese*

  • M: Thank you!

  • S: Okay...

  • S: So, my first mistake is

  • S: I should have drank before coming here

  • M: I'm just so pleased right now

  • M: I'm pleased and I'm excited and I'm happy

  • M: and I don't think I can eat anything on the menu

  • M: It's so pretty

  • M: I'm gonna get like a pink puppy curry

  • M: And I'm just gonna stare at it

  • S: Okay, I'll... I'll... I'll eat anything. I just-

  • M: Okay

  • S: What's happening with my life right now? M: We're gonna pick something

  • M: And then we're gonna ring the bell. S: How did I end up in this situation

  • S: Right now? M: This is the best situation ever!

  • S: What life choices have I made M: We're gonna get

  • M: The extra large Polaroid too! S: That have geared me towards

  • S: This situation? Mom, Dad

  • M: Good Tama-chan(?) S: Where, where did we

  • S: How did we get here?

  • [Goofy Music]

  • [Sad Music]

  • M: If I stood up beside them, it would be like

  • M: This and then it would be like Godzilla Martin-- Heheh-- or something

  • M: Okay. Pass me the menu; I need to order something!

  • M: What do you want? S: Do they have scotch?

  • M: Scotch straight on the rocks. S: Just straight scotch. Just leave the bottle at the table.

  • S: I'm gonna get a Screwdriver. M: Okay. Simon's gonna get a Screwdriver.

  • S: Can I ask them to substitute the orange juice for more vodka?

  • M: No. Accept it.

  • [Funkay Music again] [Bell rings]

  • M: The hot mocha latte.

  • Maid: Hai M: Hai

  • M: Hitotsu (One). Maid: Hai

  • M: Hai. Umm...

  • M: The green tea latte. S: And uh Screwdriver.

  • Maid: Oh!

  • Maid: Screwdriver S: Screwdriver, yup.

  • S: Okayy

  • Maid: Oh! Okay!

  • S: Nice. M: Okay!

  • S: Mhmmm

  • S: Pink curry sets? Maid: Ohhhh!

  • M: With the magic. S: Magic! I'm ready for magic!... Okay

  • Maid: [Talking about hair?] M: Oh, this is amazing!

  • Maid: [Speaking Japanese]

  • M: Wolverine! S: Wolverine Maid: Ovary?

  • M: Wolverine S: Wolverine

  • S: Wolverine M: X-men! S: X-men

  • S: I don't think she knows Wolverine

  • M: Thank you [In Japanese]

  • M: Her hair is amazing! S: I say give it twenty minutes and they might offer Martina a job here.

  • M: I don't speak enough Japanese, but I'm just saying I like everyone's clothing and hair... And tiny sizes

  • M: Should I let them know it's your birthday today?

  • M: Or do you wanna keep that a secret? S: F@#k, please no.

  • S: I'm usually very comfortable in restaurants. This is the one place I just wanna be like

  • S: Okaay, you just go do your thing.

  • [Sad Music]

  • Simon's inner thoughts: What the f@#k am I doing here? Why am I filming this video?

  • M: Hang in there. You've got one that's gonna involve a lot of interaction

  • M: Don't make them feel sad when they-- S: I'm not gonna!

  • M: Don't you make them-- Don't you put that curse on me, Ricky Bobby!

  • M: You make sure that you are as happy as possible, okay? All three of you need to be--

  • M: Whose the third person? I don't know. I'm speaking in third person now! It's happening!

  • M: I'm becoming one of them. [Robot Voice] The hive mind is starting!

  • M: Captains log: Simon has fallen into a state of confusion

  • M: He doesn't know what to expect, being here

  • S: What am I doing with my life? M: So much clapping and happiness and laughter

  • M: Isn't it wonderful? S: Yeah...

  • S: It's great...

  • [Cheerful Music]

  • [Confused Music]

  • [Cheerful Lalala Music]

  • [Confused Alien Music]

  • [Back to cheerful]

  • M: There are all these people with these, like, adorable desserts and they're, like, very manly looking, and they're

  • M: Like, digging into their marshmallow rabbit sundaes.

  • M: And it's wonderful

  • M: What should I do? What should I draw on my omurice?

  • M: The stress is too real!

  • M: What should I have? S: [Basket] Balls

  • M: No, I can't do that. You two have a poor attitude considering that you're boys and everybody here are cute girls!

  • M: What is your problem? S: I'm a married man! I'm accounted for.

  • S: No woman has any effect on me apart from my loving wife! Okay?

  • S: That's a damn fine answer and you know it!

  • M: Okay, so here's the deal. You can choose a polaroid picture to take of people, and they ask you for your nickname.

  • M: And so Simon is 'Honey-Senpai'

  • M: And I'm 'Sailor Moon'

  • M: And Dan is 'Princess Panda'

  • M: So when we hear our names being called, we've gotta go up, and we've gotta pose with them for a photo

  • [Chill Music]

  • [Sad Music] [Dan sighs]

  • Dan's inner voice: H-How did this happen? How- How have I got here... In my life?

  • D (inner voice): What has led up to this point... Cause... This doesn't feel right

  • Nothing... feels... good... here

  • [Picture Noise] M: Woooooow! Thanks [In Japanese]

  • M: Awwwww yeeeahh!

  • S: Wow. That girl looks like she's like twelve compared to you!

  • M: Thanks Simon!

  • S: You just, like...

  • M: You've ruined my life! S: I'm just saying-- M: What are you doing with your hands?!

  • M: You just-- you just look and your hands got wider and wider!

  • S: I d--- heh [mumbles]--- she's so small

  • M: So you're saying I'm big?!

  • S: You-- no you-- girl, you got curves is what you got. M: You are digging a hole, mister

  • M: You are digging that hole! S: Hey, I like curvey-- M: Keep it up--

  • Maid: Okayy. Drinking. Drinking. M: Hai

  • Maid: Okay... Sketch

  • M: Hai!

  • Maid: ... Or bunny... or

  • M: Usagi! Bunny

  • Maid: Bunny? M: Yes!

  • Maid: Okay

  • S: Aww, that's a great bunny M: That's a really good bunny

  • [Funky Music again]

  • Maid: [Talking about doing magic in Japanese]

  • M: They're gonna make it pink for you. S: Oh, okay! M: Okay

  • [Flashback Dialogue] M: You've got one that's gonna involve a lot of interaction.

  • S: Okay... M: Don't make her feel sad when they-- S: I'm not gonna!

  • M: Okay Maid: [Magic instructions in Japanese]

  • Maid: [More magic in Japanese]

  • [Simon follows] S: Ehhhh, okay

  • S: Yah! yeah... M: Okay, ready? You're gonna repeat her S: Okay...

  • Maid and M: 3,2,1...

  • Simon and Maid: [Japanese]

  • S: OH! Maid: Woah!

  • S: OH! Maid: Wooaaahh S: Oh!

  • S: I think it-- Magic!

  • Maid: Tung!

  • S: OOhhhhhhhhhhh!

  • S: I--It worked!

  • M: You're a wizard, Harry!

  • S: Oh, wow!

  • S: Oh!

  • S: I f--I felt the magic!

  • M: Yes! S: Ohhh

  • Maid: Moe... moe... kyun

  • M: Moe... moe... kyun! Okay S: Okay M: Okay!

  • Everyone: Moe... moe... kyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun

  • S: Ahh! M: Okaayy

  • M: You don't need salt and pepper!

  • M and S: Thank you [In Japanese]

  • M: Put so much magic in this!

  • M: So much magic... S: This is wonderful!

  • M: Ahh? See? I knew you'd come around!

  • S: Heeey! M: He's just excited 'cause he's hungry and the food's here

  • M: But you know what I'm about to do S: Heheh

  • M: Take-- Take photos for the next twenty-five minutes, son!

  • [Nutcracker Music]

  • M: Oooooooo S: I gotta say, Dan's got the manliest dish, even though it's a puppy

  • S: Still looks like manliest dish out there!