- Some of you aren't doing the work, and it shows.

So a few months ago, two women who I know,

they really came for me.

It was, it was intense.

And in dealing with these two,

I felt like Neo from "The Matrix,"

just dodging emotional manipulation left and right.

(dramatic music)

(gunshots)

And to be clear, like, barring abusers,

most people who do this operate unconsciously.

They're not even aware of what they're doing,

because manipulation is ultimately

an unhealthy coping mechanism.

You know, it's a learned survival strategy

that gets people what they want.

In the same way that perfectionism

can be a coping mechanism learned in childhood,

so is manipulation.

And it doesn't make manipulation okay by any means,

but knowing that has really helped me

deal with all these walking wounds out here,

just flailing around, flinging their shit.

But what even is emotional manipulation,

besides a simplified carousel all over your Instagram

and a zeitgeisty buzzword?

Well, emotional manipulation occurs

when a person seeks power over someone else

and employs dishonest or exploitative strategies to gain it.

Manipulative people attack your mental and emotional sides

to get what they want,

and they will take advantage of you

to get power, control, benefits, or privileges.

So sign number one that you're dealing with

an emotional manipulator:

you feel fear, obligation, or guilt,

the three hallmarks of manipulative behavior.

So manipulators will evoke these three emotions

by commonly taking one of two roles:

the bully and/or the victim.

They are basically a one-person show,

playing all the characters, creating all the drama.

They would make Shakespeare very proud.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

- Art thou calling me a demon

because I cannot attend your party?

- (cries) All that glitters is not gold.

- I'm sorry, I cannot go!

- Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

- I told you, I have a work obligation!

(sobs)

- Something wicked this way comes,

open locks, whomever knocks.

(whimpers)

- You know what?

Fine, I'll cancel it, okay?

Are we cool?

- To be cool or not to be cool, that is the question.

- Oh my god, okay, alright I'm so sorry, alright?

I'll go.

Also, where are we?

- We're on a Shakespearean stage.

- Oh.

- Hi, Bill.

- Okay, yeah.

- When manipulators play the bully,

they will make you feel fearful,

and they might use aggression, threats, and intimidation

to control you.

But, when they decide to play the victim,

they employ a feeling of guilt.

They act really hurt, they weaponize tears,

they make you feel incredibly bad about what you're doing

and beholden to them.

Sign number two: zero accountability.

An emotional manipulator typically will always assign blame

and never take responsibility for it.

You often see this with people

who cannot authentically apologize

or acknowledge what they've done wrong,

and there's also a new sneaky, evolved version -

someone who knows how to say all the right things

when they can tell that you're really fed up

and ready to leave,

but they never actually change their action.

And then sign number three:

they lie, misrepresent, fib, or make misstatements

in order to confuse you.

They may exaggerate events to make themselves

seem more vulnerable,

or understate their own role in a conflict

in order to gain your sympathy.

Whatever the case, almost all emotional manipulators

twist reality in order to benefit them.

The best way to deal with this kind of manipulative behavior

is to hold your boundary and stand in your truth.

Now that you know the signs of an emotional manipulator

and how to deal with this behavior,

I have to ask, is this you?

Have you employed this behavior before to get what you want?

Do you embellish a situation to a friend

to control a narrative?

Have you left every conflict

without ever saying the words "I'm sorry?"

Think about it, 'cause I made this video

specifically for two people.

I'm Anna Akana, today I chose violence,

and thank you to the Patreons for supporting today's video.

And as always, thank you to my daddy, Squarespace,

for sponsoring today's episode.

Now, I don't know if you guys know this,

but Daddy Squarespace has an all-in-one platform

to build a beautiful online presence

and run your business,

complete with tools and analytics

to have your website or online store

be the best that it can be.

For all of you who love to create audio content,

you know, you can use audio blocks,

which allows you to embed audio on your site

and tag the audio for iTunes

when your audio block is placed in a blog.

Wow.

Plus, you can have multiple contributors

receive selective access to your site's website manager.

Don't worry, you own all the content

that you've put on the Daddy Squarespace platform.

And he offers one-click data portability.

Head to squarespace.com for a free trial,

and whenever you're ready to launch,

go to squarespace.com/anna to save 10%

off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Daddy Squarespace.

He's on my side about this conflict.