consider it the worst, the one that ruined video game cinema forever.

But what if we didn’t? What if we had liked Super Mario Bros: The Movie?

Never in the history of the Polygon Interdimensional Study Society has a proposed alteration to

the time stream been so contentious. You see, my co-PISSers insist this episode

of Versus should be about correcting the Super Mario Bros. movie. That I should timeline hop

until I find the universe in which this movie is good, and trace back what changes made it so.

But I believe the Super Mario Bros movie IS good. And that we're already IN that universe.

And with a few minor tweaks to our cultural

subconscious that change absolutely nothing about the movie itself, we could be living

in an alternate reality where Charlize Theron makes her action debut as Samus, where Luigi is

a gay icon, and where nobody gives a f*ck about comic book movies.

(dramatic, hopeful music)

So how do we arrive at the so-called Luigiverse? Well this movie needs an advocate, one person

to engage earnestly and argue for its positive qualities. You might say, Jenna, you bodacious

interdimensional science genius, that’s not how cultural opinion works. If something's

good, it rises to the surface! If it stinks, it sinks!

Except that the scenario I’m describing is exactly what happened to Halloween. One

review, written by critic and monk Tom Allen, put the movie in conversation with well-respected

horror icons like George Romero, Hitchcock, and Meet me in St. Louis.

- “I killed him!”

- This piece is considered instrumental in

convincing audiences and critics that there was something worthwhile about Halloween.

And the rest is history. In our universe, Super Mario Bros.: The Movie

had but one paltry week of sales before another dino-based blockbuster smashed box office records.

(loud t-rex roar)

- But in the Luigiverse, long before these movies were made, our reality-warping change

occurs. In fall 1987, Gene Siskel, of Siskel and Ebert, eats some bad chowder. Suffering

from food poisoning, he is kept company by episodes of Max Headroom, a cyberpunk TV show

directed by duo Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton. He forcefully forgets this experience until

1993, when Super Mario Bros.: The Movie premieres.

Siskel: ...best video game turned into a movie

that I’ve seen. These are minor rewards, but they're important I’m sure to the filmmakers.

-These memories resurface, and Siskel decides that SMB reflects directors Jankel and Morton’s

work on Max Headroom. He describes SMB as a more earnest take on the genre, hybridized

with fantasy elements without relying on the cynical dystopian tropes. He doesn’t convince

everybody – especially not Ebert – but he does spark a conversation about whether

or not cyberpunk, a firmly 80s genre, is indeed dead.

So instead of sinking in the wake of Jurassic Park, Super Mario Bros. proves to be more buoyant. When

it finally leaves theaters, it’s in the black: profitable, if not a hit. Some savvy

theater operators even package Jurassic Park and Super Mario Bros., selling discounted tickets

to a night of dino-based fantasy family fun. In our universe, Super Mario Bros almost immediately

became a laughing stock, largely because of the video game association and poor box office

showings. Its failure burdened every video game movie that came after it.

In the Luigiverse, the absence of this perceived curse has huge ramifications on the

movie industry, but before we dig into that, I want to see how fame changes Mario and Luigi.

In our universe, Luigi is a second-stringer,

the cowardly shadow to Mario’s vapid heroism. But the movie is clearly about Luigi and Daisy,

and in the aftermath of its success, Nintendo finally gives them the respect they deserve.

Luigi takes center stage in a Super Nintendo game entitled LUIGI CENTER STAGE. Riffing

on the haunted house concept, the player must help Luigi overcome his stage fright and also

his ghost fright. And by the end of the game, Luigi has transformed into the movie version

of himself:

A himbo.

After the success of LUIGI CENTER STAGE, the franchise continues to be named Super Mario Bros.

Mario being, of course, their last name:

- “Name!” - “Mario”

- “ Last name? - “Mario!”

- But now when the character selection screen pops up, Luigi is your default choice. And

Nintendo realizes he needs an arch rival all his own. Somebody to represent the shadow

ego, the instinctive cruelty at the heart of every man, the unhimbo.

Yes, with the rise of Luigi so too do we see the rise………….. of Tuigi. Beautiful

but vainglorious, pessimistic and cruel, Tuigi is the Regina George of the Nintendo universe.

He becomes exponentially more popular with the releases of TuigiTap, Inc.: TipTop Competition!

on the Game Boy Advance in 2002 and the Nintendo DS game, TouchTuigiTouch, in 2004.

Wario recedes in the Mario mythos, his spot taken over by the more symmetrically appropriate

Tumario – often referred to by fans as Tumatillo for his bulbous green shape.

And Waluigi? Well, he never exists. There is simply no need for him.

Daisy likewise becomes the preeminent Princess in the Luigiverse. But neither she nor Peach

have much agency in either universe so this doesn’t make much difference….

In our universe, Super Princess Peach was

a puzzle platformer where you grant Peach super powers by... controlling her emotions.

It’s a little icky, but it was fun, and despite being one of the best-selling DS games,

for reasons unknown, it never got a sequel. In the Luigiverse, the developers treat Daisy

the same as Peach, so they make the exact same game. By this point, Daisy has become

a beloved icon not only for young women that got into gaming because of the movie, but

also for queer gaming communities who interpret Luigi and Daisy as gay-lesbian solidarity.

These fans deride the sexist and generic concept as perplexing for this beloved sporty icon,

and as such meme it into the ground.

- (robotic voice) “My wife!”

- Super Princess Daisy likewise sells well, and likewise no sequel is ever made. After

a few years, an editorial about Nintendo’s “Daisy problem” suggests that we never

got a sequel because Nintendo didn’t want to alienate its fanbase or risk backlash.

Although this is just speculation, it’s repeated as though it’s fact, and used to justify

Nintendo’s lack of dame-led games. Back on the cinematic side of our universe,

Nintendo didn’t really care one way or another how the Super Mario Bros. movie did; they

believed, correctly, that the Mario brand would hold up regardless how the film performed.

So they sold the license for a relatively cheap $2 million dollars and sent the producers

on their merry way. In the Luigiverse, Nintendo continues to be pretty

hands-off with media in the 90s – although they do start charging more for licenses.

What really changes is Hollywood’s belief that there’s money in them there properties.

The following decade sees the release of Jim Henson’s Star Fox series, a Legend of Zelda

movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio at his peak teen heart-throbbiness, and an Earthbound movie

from DreamWorks. The success of the latter encourages Nintendo to officially localize

Mother 3 for an English-speaking audience. Also, 1998’s Mighty Donkey Kong is a technically

profitable, unfortunately extending that weird 90’s era of ape-centric media.

Luigiverse-Nintendo looks at sales on games that were licensed out and sees a positive

trend. However, we, as dimension-shamblers, can compare alternate universe sale numbers

and see that in fact, there is little to no difference. What Nintendo sees as a cross-media

boost is actually just the result of a number of inseparable cultural and market forces.

In our universe, Nintendo became more hesitant about licensing under Gail Tilden, Vice President

of Brand Management. Tilden understood that in the rapidly globalizing world of the internet,

licensed media in one market could effect other markets. She still rises to this rank

in the Luigiverse, but by then this licensing model is making Nintendo a gross amount of money,

so there’s no reason to change. At least…. Until John Woo’s Metroid is

released in 2008. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In our universe, it’s taken a long time for video game movies to shake off the SMB

curse. In the Luigiverse, that noxious reputation never exists. At first, this change

is minimal. Street Fighter (1994) and Mortal Kombat (1995) arrive as they did in our universe:

with big box office returns and mixed reviews. But instead of being perceived as exceptions

to the curse, producers believe the success represents what audiences want: more video

game movies. Both are immediately greenlit for sequels.

In our universe, the success of the movie Street Fighter, based on the video game Street

Fighter, results in Street Fighter: The Movie, an arcade machine based on the movie based

on the video game. In the Luigiverse, somebody anybody says “hey

wait, let's not do that.” So instead, Capcom collaborates with director Steven E.

de Souza for Street Fighter 2: The World Warrior, the movie, and Street Fighter EX, the game.

EX uses the actors’ likenesses for the characters, and the two production teams work together

to create special moves that appear in both properties.

In our universe, Mortal Kombat director Paul W. S. Anderson was invited to direct the sequel,

but opted to go make Hellraiser… in spaaaaaaace! Buuuut he regretted not coming back to “shepherd”

the series further. Our version of MK2 was financially successful but critically panned

– considered, like so many other video game movies, to be the “worst movie ever made.”

In the Luigiverse, Anderson sticks with the franchise.

MK2 and SF2 are released, head-to-head, in June 1996. Both are established as fully blown franchises,

ironically turning the box office into a battleground for these cinema rivals. We skip the “pirates

vs ninjas” period in history because in the Luigiverse, you’re either a fighter or a kombatant.

It is equally inane. Because Anderson directs Mortal Kombat 2,

he isn’t free to launch Resident Evil in 2002. He never meets his future wife Milla

Jovovich, and he never becomes Hollywood’s most prolific wife-guy. Instead, Capcom goes

for their first choice for the Resident Evil movie: George A. Romero. And the title of Hollywood’s

most prolific wife-guy goes to Len Wiseman. In our universe, Romero did write a script

for the first Resident Evil movie, one that stuck closely to the game’s plot – itself

basically a rip-off of Romero’s own work. But Capcom passed

on the script, saying it, quote, “wasn’t good," so Romero was fired. In the Luigiverse,

it's a safer bet to stick to your sources, so Capcom keeps on Romero to direct his script

– after a few rewrites. Plus, Capcom decides to push the collaborative

strategy they’ve been using for the Street Fighter movies and games even further. The

Luigiverse version of Resident Evil, the movie, follows Chris Redfield, while the 2002

Gamecube remake only lets you play as Jill Valentine. The stories are divergent but intersect

at key moments. To keep the experience consistent, the remake has extensive FMV cutscenes directed

by Romero. A low budget affair, the movie has no problem

recouping its costs. The game does unexpectedly well, luring in horror movie fans who have

no idea Resident Evil is about to become an action franchise.

In 1998, director Rob Cohen reads an article in Vibe about illegal NYC street racing, and

it just makes sense to meld it with hit PlayStation game Gran Turismo. Starring Vin Diesel and

Paul Walker, the Gran Turismo movie is praised for its first-person driving sequences – a

stylistic choice that remains consistent in the *many* sequels that follow. As part of this

ongoing franchise, Sony produces a series of hugely popular arcade versions of the movie,

which revitalize the mostly dead arcade industry. Gran Turismo: The Movie, the arcade game,

helps popularize the concept of the bar-backed arcade by giving adults a place to safely drink and drive.

All of this causes another curse from our universe to begin disintegrating. Much like

video game movies, movie video games have a dire reputation as uninspired cash-ins.

This is mostly because of Atari’s E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, itself the Super Mario

Bros: The Movie of video games. It has been cited as one of the main causes of the video

game crash of 1983. But in both universes, it’s still standard

practice to make game tie-ins for any big blockbuster, so both Jurassic Park and The

Lost World have plenty. Among the best received was an action game called The Lost World:

Jurassic Park (1997) by DreamWorks Interactive. In the Luigiverse, Universal Studios is keenly

aware of the increasing overlap of the game-movie industry. So they purchase DreamWorks Interactive

in 1999. The production cycle for Jurassic Park III (2001), the movie and game, are synced up,

to allow for a deeply collaborative experience. This includes script and cutscene direction

by Steven Spielberg and FMV performances by the main cast.

This strategy becomes known as “dual production” or “dupro.” Because Jurassic Park III

is the most successful dupro to date, it’s hailed as the innovator. Of course

we dimension-straddling wizards have seen the slow build-up of this kind of production

for years, and know that many studios contributed. In our universe, The Wachowski Sisters did

something very near to this for The Matrix (2003); they filmed cutscenes for Enter the

Matrix on set, with the actors from the movies. They still do this in the Luigiverse, but by then,

it's just standard procedure. In the Luigiverse, DreamWorks Interactive releases

Jurassic Park 3: InGen Force (2001) alongside the movie. It roughly follows the same story arc,

but extends the ending by including an additional action-packed chapter. There is

hearty debate among fans about whether this is canon;

- “Ah, ah ah, you didn’t say the magic word!”

- Regardless, they buy the game in droves. But this does nothing at all to correct the screenplay

issues that delayed Jurassic Park 4’s production by 15 years in our universe. In fact, it takes

even longer in the Luigiverse. But DreamWorks Interactive continues to produce Jurassic

Park games, loyally waiting for the day the films return from war.

JP3: Squads (2003) sees the franchise morph into a Counter-strike-alike, where InGen security faces off against Biosyn

invaders, and also there are dinosaurs. It sells in the millions.

By the time HBO prestige drama and video game experience The Last of Us premieres in 2013,

the majority of triple-A games are produced in the dupro strategy. Some of the biggest directors

have lent their talents to the FMVs of some of the biggest games. And they have the power

to stop what they see as unlicensed streaming of their movies on a relatively

new platform known as Twitch.mv. Streamers argue that fair use applies to video games because

the act of playing is interpretive and transformative, as it is in our universe. But in 2012, the

courts decide that a significant portion of most games is in fact movie-based cutscenes, and therefore

streaming is copyright infringement. The streaming industry dries up almost over night, and many

YouTube gaming channels we know and love are never created at all.

Back in our universe, action genius John Woo was set to direct a Metroid movie, but it

collapsed because Nintendo wouldn’t let Woo make decisions about Samus’ backstory.

In the Luigiverse, Nintendo still doesn’t care what licensed movies do with their characters.

So Woo goes wild. The movie cuts out the Alien-themed horror and goes full-throated bullet opera.

Charlize Theron, star of Mighty Donkey Kong, captures Samus’ warm but stoic independence

while turning out some truly captivating stunts. Metroid smashes the box office record set

by Kathryn Bigelow’s Fallout. But in the Luigiverse, Nintendo – as always,

10 years behind any trend – still isn’t doing dupro, so when Metroid: Other M is released

two years later, it’s entirely unrelated to John Woo’s masterpiece. Critical and fan reaction

is largely positive – except for the writing, acting, characterization, and cutscenes, which