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  • A new job is a fresh start; I can be a completely new person with a brand-new identity.

  • Well, crap, actually, they already have my name, address, and social security number.

  • So, I guess that'll have to wait until the next new job...

  • ... which will be in three weeks, probably.

  • All right, time to start merging these Excel spreadsheets, because I totally know how to do that and didn't just lie on my resume.

  • I'm sorry for being late on my first day; traffic was crazy.

  • Oh, this?

  • Yeah, I got the coffee before I hit traffic.

  • Totally.

  • Hey, I know I'm new here and my job is basically just to get you guys coffee, but I have a couple of ideas on how you can improve the corporate culture here.

  • I use the acronym SMILE: self-awareness, motivation, illumination...

  • Okay, okay, three soy lattes right now or you'll kick my butt. I'm on it.

  • Is it my first day? Oh, no, no, no, totally not.

  • I've been working here for three months.

  • Listen, just be cool, man; you almost blew my cover.

  • If people know I'm new, I'll have to introduce myself to everyone, and I don't wanna do that.

  • So, just let me do what I do best: Fly under the radar.

  • I know it's just my first day, but did you see those guys who are trying to fix the copy machine?

  • It was a simple paper jam, but you would've thought they were diffusing an atomic bomb; it took them 45 minutes.

  • They must be from the IT department.

  • The Idiot Time-wasters department.

  • That lady at the front desk told me it looked like I had "a case of the Mondays".

  • More like a case of the crushing corporate rat-race, lady.

  • Plus, I do also hate Mondays.

  • A cubicle? Oh, uh... I'm sorry, this, uh, this isn't gonna work for me.

  • In order to do my best thinking, I'm gonna need a corner office of some sort.

  • You know, lots of windows, a liquor cabinet, a private bathroom.

  • Hey, do you want me at peak performance or not?

  • Well, I finished my work for the day before noon, but they don't need to know that.

  • So, what's the happy hour sitch around here?

  • Any good water-cooler gossip? I'm a little bored already.

  • What is my job again?

  • When did I take my lunch break?

  • Oh, I didn't take one; I just didn't wanna inconvenience anyone, you know?

  • I also haven't peed in six hours.

  • This is the best day ever!

  • I get to make money, meet all these amazing new people, and there are even donuts in the break room!

  • Wow, capitalism and highly-processed foods, high in added sugar.

  • I am living the American dream!

  • Man, I am already zoning out and dreaming of a more fulfilling life.

  • And I just clocked in three minutes ago.

  • Today, I might be at the bottom of the totem pole, but tomorrow, I'll be everyone's boss.

  • Okay, maybe not literally tomorrow.

  • I'd say give or take six months.

  • Well, one day down, only 30 or so years left to go.

  • And that's if I get to retire.

  • Which is looking more and more unlikely for my generation every year.

  • Wow, I made it through the first day, and no one told me that I'm a massive fraud who doesn't deserve to be here.

  • Take that, imposter syndrome!

  • Well, until tomorrow, at least.

  • Oh, wow!

  • I've made a lot of 16 personalities comedy sketches on this channel.

  • You don't believe me? Well, why don't you watch some more?

  • Watch this one here, you'll love it.

  • Binge the whole playlist right here; it'll take you several hours.

  • I appreciate your time commitment.

  • If you've got an idea for a 16 personalities sketch, let me know in the comments.

  • See you next week; until then, stay cool and attractive.

A new job is a fresh start; I can be a completely new person with a brand-new identity.

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