my Lord's off to the next tournament.  Nice to see you though. Before we go,  

let me tell you one final story...

[Music]

Once upon a time, not long ago and not far  away, there lived a young man who god and  

fortune had blessed for he was handsome, he was  quick-witted, he was loved by his neighbours,  

he was a regular attender at the  church but most of all he was rich.  

He had a great farm, a beautiful house, stables  for the horses, servants to run around after him.  

He didn't have to do a thing for himself. But he  felt that he lacked one thing: he lacked a wife

Now it just so happened that his eye had fallen  on the daughter of a local farmer and he found an  

excuse in a market to engage in conversation with  this farmer and asked if he might pay a visit to  

the farmer and his wife to court their daughter.  Well of course the farmer was thrilled to bits!  

The most eligible bachelor in the county, one  of the richest young men? This suited the farmer  

very, very well so he invited the young man  round to meet his daughter that very evening.  

The farmer ran home. 'Wife,  wife!' he said, 'fantastic news!  

That young man, the unmarried one,  the richest bachelor in the county,  

he wants to come and pay court to our daughter! We  must make preparations, he's on his way tonight'.  

Well, the wife was a little surprised at the  short notice but dutifully she ran around and  

tidied up the house. Then she began cooking  a sumptuous feast. The daughter, meantime,  

washed herself as one as she could, brushed out  her long lustrous hair and then took out her  

best dress and beat it with a stick  until it was as clean as possible,  

perfumed herself with scented water and dressed  herself. Meanwhile the farmer went around to the  

local alewife and purchased from her a barrel of  her finest ale. Now I have to say this was very,  

very special stuff. She had a reputation  throughout the county. This ale was flavoured  

with herbs and honey and nothing compared in  taste to it. That evening as the sun set there  

was a tap at the door and sure enough it was a  young man. The farmer opened the door, introduced  

the young man to his wife and then ushered  him in so that he could meet their daughter.  

While the young man was very impressed  for their daughter was to give her a due  

very, very beautiful and looked very well enough  in her fine dress. The young man went to sit down  

and the farmer offered him  the best seat at the table  

and then the wife started to bring out dishes  of food. It was a feast fit for a king!  

Everything, each dish was better than  the last. 'Well,' the young man thought,  

'this was fantastic'. He had never eaten such fine  food but what made it even better was the farmer  

bought out a jug of ale and this ale was the best  ale that this young man had ever tasted in his  

life. He couldn't believe it! Well, the young man  fairly quickly got it into his mind that he was  

going to ask the farmer a certain question that  very evening and so he turned the conversation  

around to the idea of proposals and the farmer  took the hint. Seeing that perhaps the young man  

wants some private time with him and his wife the  farmer sent his daughter to take the jug to the  

larder to fill it up with more ale and, dutiful  daughter that she was, off she went to do that.

When the daughter got into the larder she  looked at the barrel and where the barrel  

sat there was a shelf just above it, a rickety  old thing, and on that shelf there was a hammer.  

Well she looked at the shelf, she looked  at the hammer and she thought to herself,  

'if I was to marry that young man and we were  to celebrate our wedding and then come here  

for the face and he was to come in here with  a jug to fill it up with ale from a barrel  

that was placed here and he was to  lean forward and just touch that shelf,  

the hammer on that shelf would fall off  and hit him on the back of the head!  

He would be killed by the blow! I would be a  wife and a widow all in the space of one day!'  

And with that a big fat tear rolled down her  cheek and then another and another and another  

until she sat on the floor crying her eyes out.  Well, the farmer gave her a bit of time but then  

began to become concerned about why his daughter  had not returned so he sent his wife to find her  

the wife went into the ladder and was presented  with the sight of her daughter sat on the floor  

crying her eyes out. 'Daughter, what's the matter  with you?' cried the farmer's wife. 'Oh mum,' said  

the daughter, 'terrible, terrible news. If I was  to marry that young man and on our wedding day we  

would have come back here to my father's house  and then that my young man, my new husband, was  

to come in here with a jug to fill it up with ale  so we could drink a toast to our future happiness  

and as he went forward to feel the jug if that  shelf moved slightly that great heavy hammer  

there would fall off hit him on the head, break  his neck, and I would be a wife and a widow all  

in the space of one day!' And with that she cried  even harder. Well, the farmer's wife looked at the  

shelf and the hammer. She looked at the position  of the barrel. She leant forward and looked up

and she realised that her daughter was  right. A tear rolled down her cheek  

and she thought of the disaster that was going  to happen when they were wed. Then another tear  

and another tear, another tear, until she too  collapsed on the floor crying her eyes out.

Well, by now the farmer was getting  a little bit irritated at the uh  

the ladies in his house  delaying him so much. So he  

made his excuses to the young man and he went to  the larder to see what on earth was keeping them.  

Well when he opened the door to the larder,  what did he see his wife and his daughter

sat on the floor crying their eyes out. 'What on  earth is the matter with you?' We're trying to  

sort out that young man's marriage to our daughter  and you're sat in here crying!' 'Oh husband,'  

said the wife, 'come and look at this.'  And with that she pointed to the shelf  

where the hammer sat directly  above the barrel full of ale.

'If our daughter was to marry that lovely young  man and he was to come in here on their wedding  

day after the ceremony at the church to fill a jug  with ale to take it back to top everybody's cups  

before making a toast to their future happiness  together... if that shelf would've moved,  

that hammer would fall it would catch him  on the back of the head and break his neck.  

Our daughter would be a wife and a  widow all in the space of one day!

A tear rolled down his cheek.  

Then another, then another and another until  he too sat on the floor crying his eyes out.

The young man waited on his own for what seemed  like a polite amount of time but he began to fear  

that some dreadful accident had befallen everybody  in the larder and that perhaps he ought to go and  

see if he could assist. So he went to the door of  the larder and he opened the larder door. And when  

he looked inside what did he see? The farmer, his  wife and their daughter sat on the floor crying  

their eyes out. 'What... what's the matter?' said  the young man, 'what... what's wrong?' 'Oh son,'  

said the farmer, 'terrible, terrible business. If  my daughter was to marry you and on your wedding  

day you were to come down here with a jug to fill  it up with ale so you go back to toast your future  

happiness with your wife and your new family and  you to lean forward that hammer up there on that  

shelf if that were to slip and fall it would  strike you on the back of the head. It would  

break your neck! My beautiful daughter, she would  be a wife and a widow all in the space of one day!

The young man looked at the hammer. He tried the  shelf and indeed the shelf was very rickety. He  

looked at the position of the barrel of ale  and then he reached up to where the hammer  

was he took the hammer, felt its weight which  was substantial, and then put it on the floor.  

'There,' he said, 'if I was to come  in here now to fill up a jug with ale  

and that hammer were to fall, the worst that  might happen to me is that it might stub my  

toe. You three really are the three silliest  people I've ever met in my life. I'm not going  

to marry your daughter. I'm going to leave this  place, I'm going to travel out tomorrow to see  

if I can find in the space of three days three  people who are more silly than you. And if I can,  

I will marry elsewhere. But if I discover  that you are not the three silliest people  

in the county then I will return and I will marry  your daughter'. And with that the young man left.

Next day the young man got up

he had his servant saddle one of his horses  

and off he rode to see if indeed he  could find three people more foolish  

than the people in his village. Well, as he  was riding along he looked ahead and on the  

road ahead he could see just by the side of the  road a cottage, an old and tumbled down place.  

As he got closer, however, he could  see something very, very strange for  

it appeared to him that there was a cow on the  roof of the cottage. As he got closer he could see  

that quite clearly it was indeed a cow gazing out  rather mournfully from the roof of this cottage  

a roof of thatch with patches  of grass growing on it  

and as he got even closer still he could see  around the neck of the cow there was a rope  

a halter and this rope snaked its way up the roof  and then disappeared into a hole at the top of the  

roof that he assumed was the uh chimney. Sensing  that something strange was going on the young man  

got off his horse and went to the door of the  cottage and uh knocked on the door. The door  

opened and a sweet and kindly silver-haired old lady  peered out. 'Can I help you young man?' she said. 'Well,'  

said the young man, 'I think perhaps mam it  is me that can help you, for it looks to me  

like the local youths have played a trick on you  and they've placed your cow upon your roof.'

'Oh no,' said the sweet old lady, 'no, no, no young man... you  are much mistaken! I... I did that myself this morning'.

The young man looked puzzled. 'Ah,' she said, 'well  let me explain. The roof, the thatch on my cottage  

you can see is old and worn and in places  great tufts of grass have started to grow.  

The pasture where I normally feed my cow is a  distance of some mile away so every morning I  

must walk the cow to the field so that he can eat  grass before I walk him back again in the evening.  

Well I thought to myself I would save myself  the bother and instead the cow could eat the  

grass on the roof, that way the roof will be  somewhat strengthened and my cow will be fed  

without me having to walk'. 'Very well,' said the  young man, 'but did it not occur to you that  

the cow might fall off the roof?' The old lady  looked at the young man. 'Oh you must take me  

for an idiot! Of course I thought of that. Well  that is why the cow has a rope about its neck.  

The rope goes down through the vent in the  roof and I've tied the other end of the rope  

around my waist so that if the cow falls I can  haul up on the rope and stop the cow falling'.  

The young man was just about to explain why  this plan might not work when there was a rather baleful  

'MOOOO-UH' from outside. And sure enough the cow fell. Now  the old lady was caught completely by surprise  

instead of grabbing hold of the  rope to steady the cow in its fore  

she was dragged across the floor of her  cottage and into the fireplace. And then the cow  

which by now had fallen from the roof stood up and  started walking towards where his normal pasture  

was... as it did so the rope tightened again and the poor  old lady was hauled up and up through the vent  

in the roof of her cottage, down across the dirty  thatch, into the mud outside and was then being  

dragged along the road. Well the young man acted  very quickly, drew his knife, chased after her,  

cut through the rope, grabbed the rope and tied the  cow to a nearby tree stump and then took the poor  

old lady back into her house where fortunately he  discovered that she hadn't broken any bones and  

managed to clean her up a bit, before going back  to his own horse mounting and going on his way.

'That woman, for all her years and all  her experience,' thought the young man  

'is one of the silliest people I've ever met. Pffh'

The young man continued on his way and uh by now  

the light was starting to fade so  he'd been riding for many, many hours.  

He thought to himself 'well, I don't really want to  go home. I know what, I'll just ride down into the  

next town and I'll stay at the inn there, I've stayed  there many times before'. And so that's what he did.  

He rode into the next town, which seemed to be very  crowded, and went to the local inn there. He knocked  

on the door... the landlord of the inn let him in.  'Come in sir, come in... oh it's you sir! You're always  

welcome here'. 'Excellent,' said the young man, 'could  I possibly trouble you for a room for the night?' 

'Oh sir,' said the landlord, 'I wish I could help  you but well it's it's market day sir! Every  

room in my inn is taken and I don't  suppose you'll find a room anywhere else.'  

'Oh dear,' said the young man. The landlord thought to himself for a moment.  

'I might be able to help you sir. One of my guests, a  very, very rich businessman, has a room that has a  

spare bed in it. I can have a word with him and perhaps  if you come to an arrangement with him about the  

room he will offer you the use of that bed. If that  suits you sir?' 'Thank you very much,' said the young  

man. And so the landlord went and spoke with this  man of business and came back said, 'he agrees...  

if you cover the cost of the room  you're more than welcome to stay.  

He'll be very, very quiet and make sure that  he doesn't disturb you'. And with that the young  

man went to get something to eat and then  went upstairs to his bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, when the young man woke  up, he woke to a very strange sound.  

It was the sound of the door to the  room that he was staying in opening  

and the sound of somebody running  across the room, then a silence,  

then a thud outside and a groan, and then the sound  of somebody running around, running up the stairs  

and opening the door. And this series of sounds  repeated itself so at first the young man wondered  

if he might be having a dream. But when he opened  his eyes this was the sight that greeted him.  

He looked over towards where the window was  where there was light coming into the room  

and there hanging up in the  window on a couple of pins  

was a set of hose much like these,  these ones that I'm now repairing.  

They were hung up in the window with  the top opened as wide as possible.  

The young man heard the sound of somebody  coming up the stairs in the door opening