Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles Oh, my gosh, did the entire Internet get wiped out due to a terrible cyberterrorist attack? No, it's still there? Well, then, why the **** would you ask me if I wanna go Black Friday shopping? Black Friday? No thanks. If I'm gonna be up at four in the morning, it'll be on my own terms, which is usually if I didn't go to bed in the first place because I got carried away binging YouTube compilations of epic TikToks. The worst thing about Black Friday is that it reminds me I only have a few weeks left to procrastinate buying Christmas gifts. You're seriously asking if I wanna go Black Friday shopping with you, girlfriend? Either you don't know me at all, or this is some twisted attempt to break up with me. Anyway, if you end up going, can you let me know if you see any good deals on PlayStations? Thanks, love you! Doorbusters? The only time I bust the doors at a store is when I'm trying to get out before an acquaintance I spotted sees me and tries to say hi. This day is such a scam. You just wander around buying junk that you don't need, because, why not? I'm at the mall and this stuff is on sale. It's basically Stockholm Syndrome, but with deeply discounted TVs and extra comfy blankets. Ah, I kinda really want a blanket now. Black Friday? More like Blackout Friday, 'cause that's how much I'd have to drink in order to feel like it was a good idea to go. Quick tip for those of you brave enough to go shopping on Black Friday, hit up Starbucks beforehand and get yourself a hot beverage, but don't drink it. Save it for self-defense. I wouldn't go Black Friday shopping if they were giving everything away for free. I wouldn't go if they paid me to shop. In fact, if you ever see me at a store on Black Friday, call the cops, because I'm probably being forced to go by kidnappers who are holding my family for ransom, like the ransom is a TV on sale at Best Buy, I guess. Occasionally, I do go out on Black Friday, but not to shop. It's really just to people-watch, aka to judge other people and feel superior. There's something special about this day. It gets us in touch with our ancestry, namely, the cavemen whose social interactions were limited to grunting and screaming while fighting each other over limited resources. TJ Maxx has clothing 75% off! I have clothing 75% off every night while I mindlessly eat Ben & Jerry's in my underwear and watch bad Christmas movies on Netflix. The Thanksgiving turkey has barely been digested before the masses rush to accumulate even more possessions in a desperate attempt to fill the emptiness in their lives. Buy my merch at the link below; spend $50 and get 15% off.