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  • Oh, my gosh, did the entire Internet get wiped out due to a terrible cyberterrorist attack?

  • No, it's still there?

  • Well, then, why the **** would you ask me if I wanna go Black Friday shopping?

  • Black Friday? No thanks.

  • If I'm gonna be up at four in the morning, it'll be on my own terms, which is usually if I didn't go to bed in the first place because I got carried away binging YouTube compilations of epic TikToks.

  • The worst thing about Black Friday is that it reminds me I only have a few weeks left to procrastinate buying Christmas gifts.

  • You're seriously asking if I wanna go Black Friday shopping with you, girlfriend?

  • Either you don't know me at all, or this is some twisted attempt to break up with me.

  • Anyway, if you end up going, can you let me know if you see any good deals on PlayStations?

  • Thanks, love you!

  • Doorbusters? The only time I bust the doors at a store is when I'm trying to get out before an acquaintance I spotted sees me and tries to say hi.

  • This day is such a scam.

  • You just wander around buying junk that you don't need, because, why not?

  • I'm at the mall and this stuff is on sale.

  • It's basically Stockholm Syndrome, but with deeply discounted TVs and extra comfy blankets.

  • Ah, I kinda really want a blanket now.

  • Black Friday?

  • More like Blackout Friday, 'cause that's how much I'd have to drink in order to feel like it was a good idea to go.

  • Quick tip for those of you brave enough to go shopping on Black Friday, hit up Starbucks beforehand and get yourself a hot beverage, but don't drink it.

  • Save it for self-defense.

  • I wouldn't go Black Friday shopping if they were giving everything away for free.

  • I wouldn't go if they paid me to shop.

  • In fact, if you ever see me at a store on Black Friday, call the cops, because I'm probably being forced to go by kidnappers who are holding my family for ransom, like the ransom is a TV on sale at Best Buy, I guess.

  • Occasionally, I do go out on Black Friday, but not to shop.

  • It's really just to people-watch, aka to judge other people and feel superior.

  • There's something special about this day.

  • It gets us in touch with our ancestry, namely, the cavemen whose social interactions were limited to grunting and screaming while fighting each other over limited resources.

  • TJ Maxx has clothing 75% off!

  • I have clothing 75% off every night while I mindlessly eat Ben & Jerry's in my underwear and watch bad Christmas movies on Netflix.

  • The Thanksgiving turkey has barely been digested before the masses rush to accumulate even more possessions in a desperate attempt to fill the emptiness in their lives.

  • Buy my merch at the link below; spend $50 and get 15% off.

Oh, my gosh, did the entire Internet get wiped out due to a terrible cyberterrorist attack?

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