Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Our parents form a big part of our personality  

  • during the time when we  completely depend on their care.  

  • This happens because as young children we perceive  them as almighty, endlessly wise, and flawless.

  • We also believe that whatever they  do, literally - whatever - they - do,  

  • they do out of unconditional love And  because we think they are infallible,  

  • we consequently think that we are  at fault whenever a conflict arises.

  • In order to reduce any kind of conflictwe develop patterns of behavior, feelings,  

  • and thinking designed to please our  parents and minimise any friction.  

  • Unfortunately, these patterns can lead to  a personality that is misaligned with its  

  • true spiritual self. And so, we grow into  adults that behave in ways that make us sad.

  • The Hoffman Process was designed to help us detect  

  • negative patterns of behavior, break them  and to become the person we really are.

  • To condense a lifetime of analysis into seven  days, the process is highly structured, very  

  • intense, and applies a multitude of techniquesAfterward, participants often understand why  

  • they are the way they are and learn to let go  of the negative sides of their personality.

  • To understand how the process works, let us look  at three types of people who on the outside,  

  • look just fine, but on the  inside, deeply struggle.

  • Eva is 27, a university graduate, and  she has just started her first job.  

  • She's unable to trust men and is at a loss  when it comes to forming healthy relationships.

  • Jay is 51, an overachiever, and a respected CEOHowever, his marriage is broken and his two adult  

  • children hardly ever call. He asks himself  if that's really all that life has to offer?

  • Tom is 45, married with one child, but he's got no  friends. He lives with his family far outside town  

  • and signs up for the process when he realizes that  his daughter also has problems making friends.

  • Through the process Eva will realise that, when  her dad left when she was 4, and her mother then  

  • struggled as a single mom and a lonely womanit had a big impact on her. Over the years her  

  • own relationship with her father became broken  and she learned that men couldn't be trusted.

  • Jay will learn that his life was going great  up until his little brother was born — a funny,  

  • extraverted, and bright boy. Afterwards, Jay was  hardly ever noticed. Jay soon realizes that his  

  • parents would only pay attention to him if he  excelled in school or sports, causing him to  

  • grow into an adult who tries to be the best in  everything, in order to get the love he seeks.

  • Tom will realize that he was an accidentborn  to a young couple who had just begun dating.  

  • As a young boy he was often neglectedbecause their life was difficult.  

  • His parents who were overwhelmed by the situation  would often snap at him over the smallest thing.  

  • Little Tom began to think that he was the cause  of all miseryhe should never have been born.

  • The process begins with a phone call fromdesignated therapist. This is followed by a  

  • 50-page questionnaire that helps their client  to reflect on their lives. Going through the  

  • questions, the participants identify particular  patterns in behavior and link them to their  

  • parents. Once returned, the therapist uses the  questionnaire to understand the underlying issues.

  • On day 1, all three arrive at the retreat, a place  isolated from the outside world. They hand over  

  • their phones and any books to ensure there are no  distractions. Tom then meets his therapist for an  

  • in-depth conversation. Afterwards, he gets to know  the other 17 participants and learns that everyone  

  • carries within them an inner child that manages  their expectations, thoughts, and feelings.

  • On day 2 Jay and the others  learn more about their parents  

  • and how their behavioral patterns have formed  out of love for their father and mother.

  • Jay, who only got real attention  when he impressed his parents,  

  • could never be good enough to  get all the love he needed.

  • Such conditional love is  negative because subconsciously  

  • Jay takes on the blame for  this disjunction and develops  

  • a 'core shame belief' — he begins to think  something is inherently wrong with himself.

  • And so, even after 50 years of  trying so hard to be the best,  

  • his inner child is still looking for the  unconditional love he got so little of.

  • On day 3, Eva realizes how the patterns she  established as a young girl subconsciously  

  • project into her adult relationshipsanyone  who reminds Eva of her father, can't be trusted.

  • Through a group game later that day, she  experiences that there are men she can rely on.

  • Eva then accuses her parents of making her the  victim of their broken relationship - this is  

  • important because this way she can retrace  her negative pattern back to her parents

  • Afterwards, she learns to understand their story,  

  • because they too were once childrenwith parents who had their own issues.

  • This is important because then she  can understand their situation and  

  • realizes that the way she was brought up  was all her parents were able to provide.

  • Now she can make peace with her pastand her mistrust of men begins to wither.

  • On day 4, participants say goodbye to their  parents and their childhood and ask themselves

  • Where am I from? What injuries do  

  • I bring along from my mother and father? How have these injuries impacted my life

  • What strategies have I developed to  compensate for these injuries so far?

  • Jay, who didn't want to be reminded of the  painful thought that he's not worthy of his  

  • parents unconditional love, compensated by only  contacting them when he had outstanding news,  

  • such as another promotion. Knowing  that they would then surely listen  

  • and act predictably, he reduces  the risk of feeling hurt.

  • After this realization,  

  • Jay creates a development plan to follow  his vision for life after the process.

  • Day 5 is about our vindictiveness. Tom, who  didn't want to be reminded that he is the root of  

  • all problems, compensated for the pain he  experienced by hiding himself. At a young age,  

  • children keep their honor by thinking of how to,  

  • one day, pay their parents back  for the misery they caused them.

  • As we mature, such vindictive  thoughts move into the subconscious  

  • and by the time he is a teenager, Tom begins  to pay back. First by breaking the law,  

  • then by breaking all contacts  with his friends and family.

  • On this day, Tom stops feeling vindictive  

  • and makes peace with his parents. His inner  child regains his honor and grows in strength.  

  • Grown-up Tom can now leave his hiding place  and finally enjoy meeting other people.

  • On day 6 the participants get to know the  saboteur, the inner voice that warns us of  

  • any change in order to keep us in the safe old  world we know so well. Eva hears the voice,  

  • whenever she opens up to the opposite sex  — it whispersremember, you can't trust  

  • men”. Tom hears it when he enters a group of  people — “you are not welcome here”. Whenever Jay  

  • tries to relax and be himself, the saboteur says  “Don't just do nothing! You are better than this!”

  • After getting to know this evil agent, they learn  how to deal with this enemy of our progress.  

  • Then the group recaps the entire process  and celebrates their new found selves.

  • On day 7 they learn practical tools on  how to cope with the change they will face  

  • when they go back into their livesFinally, they go home to their parents,  

  • to complete what they have startedend their old lives and begin afresh.

  • The Hoffman Process was  developed in 1967 by Bob Hoffman.  

  • Today the process is being offered in over 16  countries and over 100.000 people have gone  

  • through this intense journey of self-discovery  — including Justin Bieber and Katy Perry.

  • To learn more about the Hoffman process, or to  read the research on it by the Harvard Center for  

  • Public Leadership, check out the descriptions  below. Prior to creating this channel,  

  • our founder went through the Hoffman Process  and it had a profound effect on his life.

Our parents form a big part of our personality  

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it