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  • Welcome back to Late Night, everybody.

  • With Johnson & Johnson's one-shot vaccine now going into the arms of Americans, there are now three approved COVID-19 vaccines.

  • Here with more on that is one of our writers, Jeff Wright.

  • -What's up, Moderna? -Hey, Pfizer.

  • -What are you doing here? -I'm here for the vaccine job.

  • Really? Do you even have a vaccine?

  • Of course I do, and it's 92 percent effective.

  • That's cute. Mine is 94 percent effective, but who's counting?

  • -So, you're here for the vaccine job, too? -Yep.

  • So you might as well get a head start on traffic and go home.

  • Everyone is gonna choose my vaccine.

  • You're awfully confident for someone with such a bad name.

  • What are you talking about?

  • Your name literally sounds like murder. Nobody wants your Murder-na vaccine.

  • Come on, man, "Moderna" doesn't sound like "murder."

  • I had three name meetings, and nobody said nothing!

  • Hey, uh, did the job interview start already?

  • Not yet. Who are you guys?

  • See, I told you we weren't gonna be late.

  • I'm Johnson. That's my brother Johnson.

  • -We're Johnson & Johnson. -Both of your names are Johnson?

  • -Yeah. -So, which Johnson name comes first?

  • -Mine does. -No, mine does.

  • -But I'm older. -But I put more money in.

  • -Well, it was my idea. -No, you said it as a joke, and I said, let's actually do it.

  • Hey, guys, uh, we don't care. Just go by your first names.

  • -Johnson? -Wait, so, your name is Johnson Johnson and Johnson Johnson?

  • -Yeah.

  • See, I told you we should've went by The Johnsons.

  • No, then we'd be like the Jacksons, and somebody would have to be a Tito.

  • -I'm not trying to be a Tito. -So, you guys have a vaccine, too?

  • Yeah, and it only needs one shot.

  • -What's your effective rate? -81 percent.

  • -What? What was that? -81 percent.

  • -Did he say "ampersand"?

  • -I think he said, "Aidan for president."

  • -Who's Aidan? -Remember Aidan?

  • That dude from my gym class? The one with the eye thing?

  • -Oh, yeah, that dude. What was up with his eye?

  • -I think it was, like, dead. -When he looked at me, I, like, felt old.

  • -I said 81 percent. -Oh, hell no!

  • -But, but we protect against more than just COVID, and we're working on a new way to take the shot.

  • Oh, that's what's up, 'cause I'm tired of taking shots in the butt.

  • Oh! You do know you can inject it in the arm, right?

  • -Oh, I knew that. I gotta make a quick phone call, but I'll be back.

  • Hey, uh, is this where the interview is happening?

  • -I have a vaccine, too. -Wait. Who are you?

  • -AstraZeneca. -That's a cool name.

  • -I would kill for that name. -I bet you would.

  • Shut up. Why are you so late?

  • I was working in Europe, and I just got in.

  • -So, you just got off an international flight, and then quarantine? -Yeah, but that's because --

  • Trying to give me the virus.

  • But he kept asking me to pull my pants down.

  • You Johnsons can leave, too.

  • I already got preorders from every country.

  • I guess everyone wants my vaccine.

  • Nobody wants your vaccine.

  • You probably put the chip in people.

  • That was one time, and it was a chocolate chip.

  • -I was trying to end hunger. -Uh, next, Mr. Murder -- Murder-na?

  • -It's Moderna. Never mind.

  • Okay, well, good news. You all are approved.

  • Okay.

  • Then why did he give me my shot in the butt?!

  • Then why did they give me mine in the butt?

Welcome back to Late Night, everybody.

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If the COVID-19 Vaccines Interviewed for a Job

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    nanako.kamiya posted on 2021/05/18
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