when I catch up on some personal stuff.

You know, I check my inbox, I return some e-mails,

and I, of course, send out thank-you notes.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Wow. -Feels good to hear applause.

We haven't heard that in a year. That's amazing.

-Wow! -Thank you, guys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I was running a bit behind today.

-Really? -Yeah.

So I was getting -- -Why's that?

-Well, remember all those tattoos I got removed?

-Yeah. -I'm reapplying them.

-Are you serious? -Yeah, I second-guessed it.

-Really? -Yeah.

So I spent all day doing that.

And I forgot to write out my thank-you notes.

So I was just wondering, can I write it out right now?

Do you guys mind? [ Cheers and applause ]

I appreciate that.

James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?

♪♪

-Okay. -Wow.

-He's just Zooming in. That's not even James.

-Wow. -I think his picture froze.

-He looks great. [ Laughter ]

-You know it feels good to be here for this.

-What's that? [ Music stops ]

[ Laughter ] -I haven't been here all year.

This is the first time in a year I've seen you --

-Yeah, you were waiting, and I was about to do it.

-You guys are working. I had to be at home,

hanging out. -Yep, I understood.

-Goofing off. -But then here it is.

-But you guys held the fort down, yeah.

Glad it's here. -Wow.

-Just, thank you. I love you.

I'm glad I'm here. That's all.

-All right, man. You know what?

[ Applause ]

It's all about timing, you know? -Yeah, it is.

[ Laughter ]

'Cause my heart, just -- You know what I mean?

It's, like -- It feels good to see you.

It feels good to see The Roots. Feels good to see an audience.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

-Go ahead. I can't wait to hear these.

-Feels good to see you.

-Yeah, I can't wait to hear these.

-You can't wait, yeah. It's about to happen.

-Well, I love them. They're my favorite part of the show.

-Yeah. Well, here it is, right here for you.

♪♪ -I also love --

[ Laughter ] -Many things --

There's many things that we could do.

-I love many things. But go ahead, you go ahead.

-I just want to talk to the control room,

see if we can turn your microphone off.

[ Laughter ]

They said yes.

-[ Imitating mic cutting out ] I --o --ove it.

-All right. [ Laughter ]

-My mic wasn't... [ Laughter ]

-I was doing a bit. I was doing a bit.

I was doing a bit, pretending my mic was cut.

'Cause, you know what the most important thing --

This is the only -- This is the last thing I'm gonna do.

This is the lesson I learned through all of this

whole horrible, all of the stuff,

all the horrible things were happening,

the people -- the best to me.

That's all. -Your mic cut out.

That was a beautiful thing you just said.

-Yeah, go ahead. I'm good.

-Oh, that was -- I wish we had the microphone on.

-Oh, what's that? [ Laughter ]

♪♪

-Thank you, Biden's press conference,

for feeling like going to a Yanni concert

after four years of listening to Slipknot.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Oh. -I like Yanni.

-Come on.

♪♪

-Thank you, "Godzilla vs. Kong," for giving vaccinated couples

the ultimate reason to go out,

watching two hours of a different couple fighting.

[ Applause ]

"It's not us!" -"Not us, baby."

-"It's not us. That's all that matters."

♪♪

Thank you, giant ship blocking the Suez Canal,

for causing flashbacks for anyone that's had

to move a couch into a New York City apartment.

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

You know what I'm talking about.

-My fingers. -"What if we move it this way?"

-"Flip it like an L! Flip it like an L!"

♪♪

-Thank you, Pepsi's new Peeps-flavored soda,

for turning "Is Pepsi okay?"

into, "No, seriously, is Pepsi, like, okay?"

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Mmm. Yellow can.

-Did you get that? -I got it.

-What'd you think? Okay.

-Eh... [ Laughter ]

-Never mind. -Eh...

[ Laughter ]

-They can't all be winners. You know what I mean?

-You talking about the jokes or the soda?

-Everything.

[ Laughter ]

If everybody's a winner --

Somebody's gotta watch the parade.

That's all I'm saying. You know what I mean?

Every joke can't be a winner. Every soda can't be a winner.

Go ahead. [ Laughter ]

-That joke was pretty good. -Yeah, I loved it.

-Is it your favorite? -I'm just saying,

as a general note, all things can't win.

Somebody's got to be number two. You know what I'm saying?

[ Laughter ]

-Why would you point to me when you said "number two"?

-No reason. [ Laughter ]

-I don't want to point any fingers, but, uh...

[ Laughter ]

-You have three pointing back at you.

-Every finger's pointing at me. -You have 10 fingers?

-Wow. -Two thumbs.

-Two thumbs.

♪♪

-Thank you, Joe Biden supporting universal pre-k,

although I'm pretty sure it's just so that

you'll have somewhere to leave Pete Buttiegieg

between 9:00 and 3:00.

[ Applause ]

He's young. -He's just a young man.

-He's a young man. -He's a young man.

-Don't judge. -Come on.

♪♪

Thank you, spring, for introducing us all

to the fun new game, allergies or COVID?

[ Laughter and applause ]

-"That's it -- I got it!" -"I got COVID.

What do I do?" -"Scratchy throat, yes."

-Don't go to WebMD!

Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna die.

♪♪

Thank you, spring cleaning. I can't wait to clean my house

and wipe down every surface after spending a full year

cleaning my house and wiping down every surface.

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

Oh, dude, you can do your best impression.

-Oh, yeah. [ Imitating spray bottle ]

-A Windex bottle. -Ready? Do it.

-Ready?

-[ Imitating spray bottle ]

[ Imitating window squeaking ]

[ Imitating spray bottle ]

[ Imitating window squeaking ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Imitating birds chirping ]

[ Imitating gunshot ]

[ Imitating bird falling ]

Pbht!

[ Laughter ] -Man...

-It's been a while. -Yeah, well...

-Steve Higgins, everybody. -It's been a while!

Come on! We're back!

-For your consideration, Emmy voters.

[ Laughter ] Right?

[ Laughter ]

-Any voters. -Any voters.

♪♪

Thank you, firing up the grill the first time this season,

for reminding me that I meant to clean the grill last September.

[ Applause ]

"Eh, it'll burn off."

"That makes it taste better."

-"You need the grill, you need the soot,

you need the grease."

-"That makes the burger taste better."

-"Without it, it's just propane."

-"That's like eating -- I'd rather eat nothing."

[ Laughter ]

"I'd rather starve myself." -"I'd rather starve myself

than eat off a -- A guy who eats off

a clean grill --" -"Is a real idiot."

-"Yeah. Is no good in my book.

Might as well kick him in the cojones."

[ Laughter ]

-"That's what I would do. If someone tried to cook me

a clean burger on a clean grill..."

-"Right." -"I'd kick that person

in the cojones."

-"It's the only logical thing to do!"

-"Exactly." -"You got logic on your side.

You got mathematics, you got logic,

you got everything on your side

telling you you're in the right."

-"I'm so happy you're my neighbor."

-"Me too! I'm so glad we live in this --

in this shipping container in the back of the Walmart.

I love it." -I think it's --

[ Laughter ]

-It's been a year! Come on, man.

Little rusty. -Little rusty.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

-Thank you, matzah, or as I call you, swole saltines.

There you have it, everybody! Those are my thank-you notes!