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  • Dear Kitten,

  • Since I have hissed at you the customary 437 times,

  • it is now my duty as the head of the household to, begrudgingly, welcome you.

  • Perhaps you are here to replace me,

  • but I must do my duty in educating you on your new surroundings as Maximilian once did for me.

  • Rest in peace.

  • Dear Kitten, this room here is basically a crapshoot.

  • Either you get the petting of your life and I mean two hands

  • like you don't even know what's going on,

  • or they just lie there and don't do anything for hours. It's weird.

  • Oh, and I should also point out.

  • On special occasions they will leave the underwear drawer open to signal their appreciation...of me.

  • Just to be clear, it's my spot.

  • It's perfect in there. It's like sleeping surrounded by underwear.

  • Well, I meanthat's exactly what it is.

  • Dear Kitten, I remember when I could fit in a shoe. There's nothing like it.

  • Being engulfed in 360 degrees of foot smell.

  • Enjoy it while you can.

  • Dear kitten, because you are so small, you cannot jump.

  • Which is sad. Sad for you. But eventually you will.

  • And you will find the places that I referred to as "up."

  • This will come in handy, especially around the human larva,

  • which I know smells like milk, but can be a bit...grabby.

  • Dear Kitten, you should be aware that there are two kinds of food.

  • The first is sort of a dehydrated, brown nibblet.

  • I think they give us these because they are training us to be astronauts.

  • Just a guess. The second kind is wet food.

  • It is so special they keep it in little armored metal casings that no claw can penetrate.

  • With no claws to speak of,

  • the humans can somehow open them. It's like some dark magic.

  • Dear Kitten, I should warn you of the monster known as "Va-cuum."

  • It can eat and yell at the same time. And i've seen it eat everything.

  • Seriously, like a paper clip and two cat toys.

  • Didn't even flinch. To hide from "Va-cuum," you may use the curtains of invisibility.

  • Oh yeah, you're good.

  • Good hiding. Oh, boy. Dear Kitten, one final note.

  • Once in a while you might see a little red dot.

  • I'm going to tell you this right now. It is real and it can be caught.

  • I did it once. I held it for a full minute.

  • But when I lifted my paws, it was gone.

  • So Kitten, welcome to the household.

  • You will do just fine.

  • (turned back immediately)

  • (huluhuluhulu)

Dear Kitten,

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