Since I have hissed at you the customary 437 times,

it is now my duty as the head of the household to, begrudgingly, welcome you.

Perhaps you are here to replace me,

but I must do my duty in educating you on your new surroundings as Maximilian once did for me.

Rest in peace.

Dear Kitten, this room here is basically a crapshoot.

Either you get the petting of your life and I mean two hands like you don't even know what's going on,

or they just lie there and don't do anything for hours. It's weird.

Oh, and I should also point out.

On special occasions, they will leave the underwear drawer open to signal their appreciation...of me.

Just to be clear, it's my spot.

It's perfect in there.

It's like sleeping surrounded by underwear.

Well, I mean… that's exactly what it is.

Dear Kitten, I remember when I could fit in a shoe. There's nothing like it.

Being engulfed in 360 degrees of foot smell.

Enjoy it while you can.

Dear kitten, because you are so small, you cannot jump.

Which is sad. Sad for you. But eventually you will.

And you will find the places that I referred to as "up."

This will come in handy, especially around the human larva,

which I know smells like milk, but can be a bit...grabby.

Dear Kitten, you should be aware that there are two kinds of food.

The first is sort of a dehydrated, brown nibblet.

I think they give us these because they are training us to be astronauts.

Just a guess. The second kind is wet food.

It is so special they keep it in little armored metal casings that no claw can penetrate.

With no claws to speak of, the humans can somehow open them.

It's like some dark magic.

Dear Kitten, I should warn you of the monster known as "Va-cuum."

It can eat and yell at the same time. And i've seen it eat everything.

Seriously, like a paper clip and two cat toys. Didn't even flinch.

To hide from "Va-cuum," you may use the curtains of invisibility.

Oh yeah, you're good.

Good hiding. Oh, boy.

Dear Kitten, one final note.

Once in a while you might see a little red dot.

I'm going to tell you this right now. It is real and it can be caught.

I did it once. I held it for a full minute.

But when I lifted my paws, it was gone.

So Kitten, welcome to the household.

You will do just fine.