Tell me how you think other people would describe you.

Probably like, "That guy? Huh, I couldn't say; I've never really thought much about him."

Okay. What motivates you?

I'm very self-motivated when I want to accomplish something, but the chances of that happening with something work-related are, like, zero.

Mm-hmm. Would you ever lie for a company?

No, but I would lie to this company, specifically to get this job.

Uh, of course.

Tell me about a difficult work situation and how you overcame it.

There was a time I had to collaborate on a team project, which was very difficult.

I overcame it by calling in sick that whole week.

Creative.

What did you like least about your last position?

Oh, man, the office had an open floor plan, so anyone could walk up and start talking to me at any time.

Plus, it's really hard to watch YouTube videos at work when everyone can see your screen.

What is your ideal working environment?

A door that I can shut and lock, and if anyone comes looking for me, I can pretend like I'm not there, and watch YouTube in peace.

How do you handle stress?

I suppress my emotions all day, and then I eat and drink all night to numb myself.

Wow.

Uh... what is your greatest accomplishment?

I can make phone calls now without drowning in anxiety for hours before I force myself to finally dial the number.

I couldn't do that before.

Good for you.

Uh, do you work well under pressure?

Not particularly well.

Okay, fantastic.

Uh, what is your dream job?

I'm not certain, but I can say for sure it's not this job or anything remotely close to this career path.

And, honestly, I don't see how any position at your company could be anyone's dream job.

Okay.

Uh, describe a time where you had to give a person difficult feedback.

I've never done that.

I would literally rather let everything burn down around me than give anyone any difficult feedback.

Uh-huh; what is your management style?

Sort of, uh, passive aggressive, I guess.

Okay, interesting.

Let's do a little role play, okay, as though you have to fire me.

Well...

I've got something to tell you.

Yes, what is it?

Um...

Go on.

I just wanted to say...

Yes?

You're doing a great job.

Ah, so close.

No, you're supposed to fire me.

This is really hard.

Just say, "You're fired."

Hey...

You know how you said you always wanted to take a vacation?

Well, now you can.

Yay.

Not... not exactly what we're going for.

Can't we just lock them out of the office and hope they get the hint?

Tell me about the last mistake you made.

I feel like every answer I've given you today is a mistake.

Well, well, well, those are all the questions I have for you.

I'll talk it over with the hiring director and we'll get back to you within a week.

So you can tell me you were impressed, but you decided to go with another candidate, right?

Exactly.

You're not even gonna go over this with the hiring director, are you?

0% chance.