usually when I take care

of some business, you know,

I get some things done,

but the day just got

completely away from me.

I spent all day buying used

"No Fear" T-shirts.

[ Laughter ]

-Used? -And like

I completely forgot to write out my weekly thank-you notes.

Now, I know it's during the show,

but, if you guys don't mind, I thought I'd take this time

to write out some thank-you notes right now.

This will only take -- James, could I get

some thank-you note writing music, please?

[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]

[ Playing tender tune ]

Just perfect.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, "Coming 2 America,"

for telling the story of two royal figures

who leave their home country for the U.S.,

or, as Oprah put it.

"Time for another exclusive

interview!"

-[ Imitates vuvuzela blasting ] [ Applause ]

[ Applause ]

♪♪

-Thank you, Vision, from "Wandavision,"

for looking like someone who bullied

the Blue Man Group in high school.

[ Laughter and applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, Jeff Daniels at the Golden Globes,

for looking like a dad in his basement

painting the lampposts in his model train set.

-Aw.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-I like that background.

That's a classic Zoom background -- doors.

-Yep, yep.

♪♪

Thank you, Chili's to-go margarita,

that comes in a gallon-sized pouch,

for looking like a "Real Housewives" version

of Capri Sun.

[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]

[ Applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, spring weather,

or, as we say in New York,

"Look, the cigarette butts are blooming."

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Raspy voice ] Throw it into a snowbank.

Fyoo!

I mean, what are you going to do, keep your butts?

-I mean, no, you should pick them up like, you know,

you pick up poop, now, right?

-Mm-hmm. -Yeah, you clean up

behind the dog. Clean up behind your cigs.

-Feels like it's a fire hazard, kind of.

-I mean, nah. You put them out.

You have to stand around. You wait for them to go out.

And then, you know, you pick it up.

You make sure it's out, so, when you pick it up,

if it's still hot, it's "Ah!" You drop it,

[ Laughter ] stomp it out,

you pick it up again.

Walk around, you got a butt bag and, you know.

[ Laughter ] So you can bag it.

-Alright, a butt bag.

What they should is they should have, next to a garbage can,

like a butt can.

-Ah! I think people would put still-lit butts in there,

just for fun, you know? -In the garbage can?

-I mean, in New York City, yeah. I think yeah.

So, you need a butt sack.

[ Laughter ]

-That's what's up.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, Instagram vaccine selfies,

for letting me know exactly which of my friends

are okay with lying about having asthma.

[ Laughter and applause ]

All of a sudden.

[ Applause ]

All of a sudden.

♪♪

Thank you, Seth Rogen announcing

you have a new marijuana company,

although, I'm pretty sure you already had a weed company

and just now remembered about it.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Right? He did, right? -Yeah.

♪♪

-Thank you, sneezes,

for coming in two forms -- soft and cute,

or Category 5 hurricane.

[ Laughter and applause ]

My grandpa would sneeze and like a vein would pop in his nose.

[ Laughter ] -Ew.

-Blood all over the place.

[ Laughter ]

[ Southern accent ] Pawpawpaw, you okay?

[ Laughter ]

[ Raspy voice ] Ah, just allergies, that's all, kid.

Go back to sleep.

-I called my grandfather Peepaw.

-Did you really. -Yeah. I call my grandma Meemaw.

-Aw. -Yeah. They were Muppets?

[ Laughter ]

-♪ Do do do do do ♪

[ Playing "Mahna Mahna" ] ♪ Do do do do do ♪

-Everyone's got weird names for everyone.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Grandma was Grandma.

My mom, I remember was like,

when we had Winnie, she was like,

[ As Gloria ] I don't want to be called Grandma.

It's too old.

I'm not old enough to be a Grandma.

So I want to be --

I go, "Well, we're going to call you Grandma.

It doesn't matter." She goes --

[ As Gloria ] No, I want to be called GG.

[ Laughter ] -Aw! -I go,

"No one's going to call you GG." She goes --

[ As Gloria ] It stands for Gorgeous Gloria.

-Aww! -I like that. I like that.

Alright, alright, Grandma.

[ Laughter and applause ]

You don't get to choose.

[ Laughter ]

-Yeah. You know, I -- -What's that?

I wanted to be called Papa by my kids

and my wife's father came along and he just like took the name.

They call him Papa.

I'm like, "That's your grandpop.

Call him Grandpop, Grandpapa."

-Yeah. -I'm Papa. Papa is like the father.

But he sort of Brodie'd me for that name.

-Yeah. "He's your peepaw."

[ Laughter ] -Yeah, he's Peepaw. I'm just Pa.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-You're Peepaw and I'm Pawpaw.

-I don't get to enjoy that. -Aw. -Jesus!

[ Laughter ] -Yeah. You know?

-That's tough, man. -So what I do,

I hit him with a curve ball. -Yeah?

-I told my kids to call me Nana.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-I got to those gummies you --

[ Laughter ]

Because that's --

Then, it'll all start making sense.

[ Laughter ]

♪ What's happening? ♪

-♪ What's happening? ♪

[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Oh, my.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, windmills,

for looking like a lighthouse hooked up with the ceiling fan.

[ Applause ] There you go, everybody,

those are my thank-you notes.

We'll be right back with Amanda Seyfried.

♪ What's ♪

♪♪

-Ha ha! [ Cheering and applause ]

Just to let you know, [ Echoing ] you know,

right about now, you're rocking

with the [ Indistinct ]

you know? [ Echoing ] You know?

"Tonight Show."