Uh, for those of you watching around the world,

it has been a tough couple of days for us here.

It's been raining. We're fine.

Thank you for your prayers.

I'm happy to be back. I hosted seven years ago.

And I'm so honor and flattered that they have me back so quickly.

Things are so different now.

Last time, for instance when I was here,

Cate Blanchett was nominated, Meryl Streep was nominated, Leonardo Dicaprio was nominated,

Martin Scorsese was nominated, so different!

There are some first time nominees here tonight. June Squibb is nominated for Nebraska

At 84 years old, she is the oldest nominee, she was wonderful in Nebraska

I'm telling everyone that you're wonderful in Nebraska, the film that you did, wonderful!

We have other first-time nominees,Lupita Nyong'o is here, they're amazing.

Amazing performance in "12 Years a Slave" , she's from Kenya, she's a Kenyan.

And, uh, Barkhad Abdi is here, he is nominated for "Captain Phillips"

He's a Somalia, so he knows a lot about wine. and that is impressive.

Who's the wine captain now? Who's the wine captain....Now,

the real Captain Phillips is here tonight, and the real Philomena is here tonight.

And I have to say, one of the most amazing lies impersonators I've seen in my entire life

really, seriously, good job sir. I mean that is really....

Tonight, steam is heroes in Hollywood.

And we need hereos now more than ever.

And we need hereos now more than ever.

People around the world are going through hard times, and movies offer us an escape.

Movies inspire us. I'm not saying that movies are the most important thing in the world.

Because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth.

Now we know that the most important thing in life is love, and friendship, and family,

and if people don't have those things, well then, they usually get into show business.

Here we all, we're one big frighten family is what we are.

But I want you to know, that I love you and I think you're talented, I do.

And I think you should think of yourselves as winners, not all of you,

but the people who have won before should think of yourselves as winners.

I know what you're thinking, Ellen, that's easy for you to say, you've been chosen to host,

and that is sort of the highest award there is. Thank you... thank you... thank you...

But let's try to focus on you tonight, if we can.

Seriously, the work that you've done is incredible. I did a little bit of research.

And between all the nominees here tonight, you've made over 1400 films.

1400 films, and you have gone to a total of 6 years of college.

I'm kidding. Kids, stay in school!

I'm sure these people went to college. I mean, Amy Adams, you went to college, right?

No.

Ok, well let... ok! You're an amazing actress. You're not one, but two nominated films tonight you're in, that's

That is so, what is the word for it, selfish, I guess.

I really do think it's an exceptional year for movies, of course one of the nominees is her, and by her, I mean Meryl Streep.

Meryl has been nominated for an Oscar a total eighteen times.

It sounds good. But if you do the math between dresses, hair and makeup, that's

hundreds of thousands of dollars. Simply put Meryl cannot afford to be nominated again.

That is lots of money.

I'm listing all these people, like you're up against each other

and you're all so talented. I don't want you to think it's any kind of competetion, it's a celebration.

although, who are we kidding? It's a hunger game.

I mean, there are cameras everywhere, you're starving.

Jennifer Lawrence, one last year, it is the hunger games.

Jennifer, by the way, I'm not gonna bring up, what happened last year when you were,you know

It's ridiculous, I mean, something like that happens and it's embarrassing and then people just talk about it, it's just, you know

For those of you who don't know what I'm taling about,

last year, she fell on the way up, tripped. I don't know if she caught on the tip of the dress

let's just show the clip. Becaus what happened... I'm kidding, I'm not gonna show the clip.

I'm kidding, I am. I'm not. I'm not.

but let's just.....and you know the thing when you fell out of the car tonight when you were getting out of the car?

No one needs to know that, I'm not gonna mention that. (Thank you.)

She fell, on the way out of the car. Like on an orange cone you tripped or something.

If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar, I don't wanna risk....

We can do that, right? Can we do that? No one's there.

Win or lose you look beautiful,oh you all look beautiful tonight.

Sandy you look beautiful....and Cate, everybody looks beautiful. I'm not gonna say who looks the most beautiful.

But let...it's clear, it's Jared Leto, he's the prettiest.

Boy, is he pretty?I mean, he's uh, nominated for Best Supporting Actor and Matthew McConaughey, also pretty

by the way, but different, like uh, rugged dirty, dirty pretty. No, good dirty, not bad dirty.

Both nominated for "Dallas Buyers Club" , a very important movie.

It deals with the serious issue of people who have sex at rodeos.

Dont' do it. It looks appealing, but...ooh

Speaking of sex at the rodeos, Bruce Dern is here tonight.

I had a, repeated of transition, I had no idea.

A little background on Bruce, his grandfather was the governor of Utah,

his great uncle was a Politur Prize running poet

And his godmother was Illinois Roosevelt.

And here you are among us tonight, what went wrong?

Jonah Hill is nominated for his amazing performance in "The Wolf of Wall Street"

That, honestly, I have to say, you showed us something in that film that I haven't seen for a very very long time.

You get it?

Well, we should get started, it's gonna be an exciting night.

Anything could happen. So many different possibilities.

Possibility number one, "12 Years a Slave"wins Best Picture

Possibility number two, you're all racists.