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  • When we imagine the difficulties involved in  a so-called 'bad childhood', we most readily  

  • think in terms of children who are physically  harmed - beaten, underfed, sexually abused - or  

  • else treated with active contempt: screamed  at, blamed, put down, mocked and tormented.

  • Such harrowing images make it hard for us  to picture that there might be another,  

  • in many ways more prevalent yet just as  damaging form of injury to which children may  

  • be exposed. In this case, there is no physical  violence, there is no taunting or shouting.  

  • It looks - at first glance - as if all must be  well. But that would be to miss the particular  

  • kind of wound that can be inflicted through  what psychologists term 'emotional neglect.'

  • We're so used to focusing on abuses that  spring from interventions, we forget those  

  • that can equally painfully flow from absence. The  emotionally neglected child isn't screamed at or  

  • hit, locked up or jeered at. they are just - often  very subtly - ignored. A parent doesn't smile at  

  • them very much. There is never any time to take  a look at the drawing they just did or the story  

  • they wrote. No one remembers their stuffed  animal's name. No one notices that they are  

  • looking sad and that the first day at school might  have been very difficult. There's always something  

  • more urgent to do than spend time with them  (perhaps another sibling to think about or the  

  • demands of work or of their partner. There might  be a lot of parties as well). The parent seems in  

  • no way charmed or interested. There are no cuddles  or hair ruffles, there are no nicknames or terms  

  • of endearment. Birthdays get forgotten. Tears  aren't dried or consoled. The parent doesn't look  

  • the child in the eye. They might, shortly after  the birth, go off and live in another household.

  • None of this may seem - at first  glance - to be especially bad,  

  • particularly because the insidious  behaviour is largely invisible.  

  • It is compatible with all kinds of  outward signs of healthy family life.

  • But that isn't to say that no damage is being  done. The psychologist William James presciently  

  • observed that it might as bad, if not worse, to  be on the receiving end of indifference as of  

  • physical torment: 'No more fiendish punishment  could be devised, were such a thing possible,  

  • than that one should be turned loose in society  and remain absolutely unnoticed by all the members  

  • thereof. If no one turned around when we enteredanswered when we spoke, or minded what we did,  

  • but if every person we metcut us dead”,  and acted as if we were non-existent things,  

  • a kind of rage and impotent despair  would before long well up in us,  

  • from which the cruellest bodily  torture would be a relief.'

  • A crucial fact of psychological life is the  disinclination of any child to think there is  

  • something wrong with its parent; it will go to  almost any lengths to prevent the idea emerging  

  • that its parent may be mentally  unwell or fundamentally brutish.  

  • It will remain attached and obsessed  by the most vicious and uncaring figure  

  • whom an objective observer  might see through in an instant.

  • The child will do anything rather than  entertain the idea that an injury has been  

  • done to it by its own progenitor - especially  if the parent is charming to other people  

  • and impressive in the professional sphereThe child will just assume that there must  

  • be something deeply wrong with itself to justify  the indifference. It must have failed in some way,  

  • it must in its essence be profoundly  ugly, repulsive, deformed or lacking.  

  • This is the only conceivable explanation for the  blankness with which their existence is received.

  • The adult who emerges from such a complicatedveiled childhood is likely to be in a confused  

  • state. On the surface, they may experience  only good will and a continued desire to  

  • please their early caregivers. But deep within  themselves, they may feel lacerating doubt,  

  • paranoia and self-contempt. To numb such feelingsthey may take to drink or develop numbing, calming  

  • addictions to keep themselves from constant  encounters with their perceived repulsiveness.

  • A measure of resolution comes when we can  take on board the term 'emotional neglect'  

  • and treat it, and thereby our own stories, with  requisite seriousness. Our childhood sorrows may  

  • not rank among the most obvious or newsworthy, but  they may be substantial and genuine nevertheless.  

  • Our levels of shame attest as much. We were not  hit, but we were injured. We failed to receive  

  • the love that makes people firm and whole, that  allows them to feel authentic and deserving,  

  • that prevents them from being  impressed by those who mistreat them  

  • and that stops them wanting to  kill themselves when they mess up.  

  • We hear so much about the virtues of braverywe miss out on the importance of learning more  

  • regularly to feel - with appropriate cathartic  intent - usefully sorry for ourselves.

When we imagine the difficulties involved in  a so-called 'bad childhood', we most readily  

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