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>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
MMM...
OOOH...
WELL, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN GONE?
>> A WEEK.
>> Stephen: A WEEK.
I MISSED YOU.
I HOPE YOU MISSED ME.
SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THAT NOTHING IS CHANGING.
BECAUSE THE BIG STORY TODAY IS I'M STILL HERE
YOU'RE STILL THERE, AND WE'VE BEEN THAT WAY FOR ALMOST A YEAR.
WE'RE APPROACHING THE PANDEMIC'S FIRST ANNIVERSARY.
TRADITIONALLY, THE GIFT IS PAPER, ON A ROLL, NEXT TO A
TOILET.
BUT EVEN AS THE DEATH TOLL CROSSES HALF A MILLION, THERE IS
GOOD NEWS: PRESIDENT BIDEN EXPECTS TO SURPASS HIS GOAL
OF 100 MILLION SHOTS IN 100 DAYS, AND LAST WEEK, THE DAILY
INOCULATION AVERAGE CLIMBED TO 1.7 MILLION SHOTS PER DAY.
SO, THE MAIN QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS: WHEN WILL
THINGS BE NORMAL?
ONE PROFESSOR AT JOHNS HOPKINS SAYS, "WE'LL HAVE HERD IMMUNITY
BY APRIL."
APRIL?
THAT'S GREAT!
BUT IT DOES MEAN I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET STARTED ON MY BEACH BOD'.
RIGHT NOW I'M ROCKIN' MORE OF A WASHED-UP-ON-THE-BEACH BOD'.
MAYBE FISHED OUT OF THE RIVER, DRAGGED OUT OF THE LAKE.
OF COURSE, AS EXCITING AS THIS PREDICTION IS, KEEP IN MIND, IT
FIRST APPEARED IN "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF TELLING YOU
WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR."
THIS MONTH'S COVER STORY: "MOST PEOPLE YOUR AGE CAN'T PULL OFF A
LEATHER JACKET, BUT YOU LOOK GREAT!"
SO, IT'S HAPPENING!
WE'RE GOING BACK TO NORMAL IN APRIL!
OR AS PRESIDENT BIDEN PUT IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY:
>> BY NEXT CHRISTMAS.
>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT, FINE.
NEXT CHRISTMAS.
WHATEVER.
AT LEAST AT THIS YEAR'S FAMILY MEALS, WE WON'T BE SAYING,
"UNCLE PHIL, YOU'RE ON MUTE!" WE'LL BE SAYING, "I WISH WE
COULD PUT UNCLE PHIL ON MUTE."
ANYWAY, IT'S THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT... FOR THE GRINCH
TO STEAL.
BECAUSE DR. FAUCI SAYS IT'S POSSIBLE WE'LL STILL BE WEARING
MASKS IN 2022.
GREAT!
WE'LL BE BACK TO NORMAL BY APRIL-- CHRISTMAS A YEAR AND A
HALF FROM NOW.
ONE OF THOSE!
ANY ONE OF THOSE!
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY -- IF THIS WERE CLIMBING MOUNT
EVEREST, WE'D EITHER BE ABOUT TO SUMMIT, SET UP BASE CAMP, OR
THINKING ABOUT BUYING A CLIF BAR AT CVS.
BUT WHATEVER THAT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING, RIGHT?
WELL, THEN -- WHERE ARE WE IN WE'RE, LIKE, IN PURGATORY HERE!
WHENEVER NORMAL HAPPENS, THIS COUNTRY IS MORE THAN READY. IN
FACT, A NEW SURVEY FOUND THAT 38% OF AMERICANS WOULD GIVE UP
SEX FOR A YEAR TO GO ON A TRIP IMMEDIATELY.
WHICH MEANS AN ASTOUNDING 38% OF AMERICANS HAVE HAD SEX THIS
YEAR.
EVIDENTLY, SOME PEOPLE ARE TURNED ON BY A HOT BOWL OF
COUCH LASAGNA.
MMM!
YOU'RE LOOKING LOGY.
THERE WAS A LITTLE NEWS TIDBIT YOU MIGHT'VE MISSED LAST WEEK
WHEN THE SENATE ACQUITTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN HIS SECOND
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL FOR INSURRECTION.
WE WERE ON BREAK WHEN IT HAPPENED, BUT I PROMISE WE'LL
HAVE FULL COVERAGE OF HIS THIRD IMPEACHMENT.
BUT OL' DOLT 45'S NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET.
BECAUSE TODAY, THE SUPREME COURT DENIED HIS FINAL BID TO BLOCK
THE RELEASE OF HIS TAX RETURNS.
WOO!
♪♪♪ THAT'S IT!
THANK YOU!
THAT WAS HARDLY EVEN DANGEROUS!
( LAUGHTER ) OH!
BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE GLASSES!
AND MY READING GLASSES!
THERE'S GONNA BE SOME FINE PRINT!
I'LL GIVE YOU THE 4-1-1 ON THE 1099'S IN OUR NEW, HOPEFULLY
VERY RECURRING SEGMENT: >> LOCK HIM UP!
LOCK HIM UP!
LOCK HIM UP!
LOCK HIM UP!
>> Stephen: THE NICE THING ABOUT BEING GONE, BECAUSE YOU
DON'T MISS A STEP -- I STILL GOT IT, BABY!
FOR YEARS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT -- I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE
ONE OF THOSE POPPER THINGS THAT REALLY ENDANGERS EVERYONE AROUND
YOU.
THIS IS WHY REHEARSAL IS HANDY.
FOR YEARS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN DESPERATE TO PREVENT
PROSECUTORS FROM GETTING THEIR HANDS ON ANY DOCUMENTS THAT
MIGHT GET HIM IN LEGAL TROUBLE.
SO... ANY DOCUMENTS.
BUT TODAY, THE HIGH COURT RULED THAT HE HAD TO HAND OVER HIS
FINANCIAL HISTORY TO THE MANHATTAN D.A., WHO'S BEEN
CONDUCTING A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION THAT COULD LEAD TO
CONSPIRACY FRAUD CHARGES, WHICH ARE B FELONIES.
GOOD.
'CAUSE HE "B" A FELON.
GIVEN THE POTENTIAL CHARGES, THE FORMER PRESIDENT COULD BE SENT
TO JAIL IF CONVICTED.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT ALL PLAY OUT IN THE NEW NETFLIX SERIES
"ORANGE IS THE NEW ORANGE."
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE EXACT CHARGES RELATED TO THE FAMILY
BUSINESS ARE YET, BUT THEY COULD IMPLICATE COMPANY EXECUTIVES DON
JR. AND ERIC.
(AS ERIC) "DAD!
THE JUDGE SAYS WE GET TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER!
FOR 10 YEARS!
I CALL TOP BUNK!
I'M GONNA MAKE TOILET HOOCH!" IT'S OKAY IF YOU HAVE TO SHIV
ME.
( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT CALLED IT A "FISHING EXPEDITION."
(AS ERIC) "DAD, WE'RE GOING FISHING, TOO!
JUST LIKE IN THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW!"
(WHISTLES BADLY) I THINK I'M DOING MYSELF
PERIODONTAL DAMAGE WHEN I DO THAT
WHEN ASKED WHETHER THIS WAS A SO-CALLED FISHING EXPEDITION,
THE MANHATTAN D.A. RESPONDED: >> YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER
BOAT.
>> STEPHEN: THINGS CONTINUE TO BE ROUGH DOWN IN TEXAS.
LAST WEEK, THE LONE STAR STATE WAS HIT BY A FREAK WINTER STORM
THAT KNOCKED OUT POWER.
MILLIONS OF TEXANS ARE STILL WITHOUT RUNNING WATER, AND THERE
ARE FOOD SHORTAGES ACROSS THE STATE.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO HELP, AND I KNOW YOU ARE, WE HAVE SOME
SUGGESTED CHARITIES YOU CAN DONATE TO.
JUST HEAD OVER TO COLBERTLATESHOW.COM
/TEXAS.
AND PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
NOW, THIS MIGHT SHOCK YOU, BUT THERE ARE STATES BESIDES TEXAS
THAT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PHENOMENON OF WINTER.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.
SO, WHY DID THEY LOSE POWER AND WATER AND HEAT?
IN TEXAS, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE DEPENDENT UPON THEIR
ELECTRICAL GRID, AND IN AN EFFORT TO AVOID FEDERAL
REGULATION, TEXAS IS THE ONLY STATE IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED
STATES TO OPERATE ITS OWN GRID.
WELL, TEXANS LIKE TO HAVE THEIR OWN STUFF: GRIDS, TOASTS, AND
CHAINSAW MASSACRES.
IN ADDITION, TEXAS IS A FAN OF EXTREME CAPITALISM, SO THEY
HANDED THEIR GRID OVER TO THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET.
MEANING THAT ANYTIME THERE'S A LACK OF SUPPLY AND A HUGE
DEMAND, PRICES SKYROCKET.
OUT OF CONTROL.
SO, LAST WEEK, IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS ARCTIC BLAST, ELECTRICITY
IN TEXAS APPROACHED $9,000 PER MEGAWATT/HOUR.
WHICH IS AN INCREASE OF 180 TIMES THE AVERAGE RATE BEFORE
THE STORM.
ONE MAN WAS STUCK WITH A $16,752 ELECTRIC BILL.
TO WHICH AMERICA'S FATHERS REPLIED, "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU PUSH THE THERMOSTAT ABOVE 66!
I'M PUTTING SOME TAPE ON IT!
I'M TAPING IT DOWN!
WE'RE NOT HEATING THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
SO, CLEARLY, THE SYSTEM IS VERY BAD FOR THE PEOPLE, BUT VERY
GOOD FOR THE ENERGY COMPANIES, SOME OF WHICH EARNED MORE PROFIT
ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY ALONE THAN THEY WOULD HAVE GAINED
THROUGH AN ENTIRE YEAR OF NORMAL OPERATION.
AS ONE ENERGY COMPANY SPOKESMAN EXPLAINED, "GOLD!
GOLD!
I'M RICH, I TELL YOU.
GOLD!" SO, IT'S NO WONDER TEXAS POWER
COMPANIES DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS DISASTER, EVEN THOUGH
BACK IN 2011, FEDERAL REGULATORS WARNED TEXAS THAT ITS POWER
PLANTS COULDN'T BE COUNTED ON TO RELIABLY CHURN OUT ELECTRICITY
IN BITTERLY COLD CONDITIONS.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM
HISTORY WERE PROBABLY EDUCATED IN TEXAS."
THAT WARNING CAME FROM THE FEDERAL ENERGY REGULATORY
COMMISSION OR "FERC."
NO ONE LISTENED, AND NOW, "ERMEGERD.
TEXAS IS FERC'D."
THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THE LONE STAR STATE BACK THEN WAS FORMER
TEXAS GOVERNOR AND MAN WONDERING WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SUN AT
NIGHT, RICK PERRY.
LAST WEEK, PERRY DEFENDED HIS STATE'S LUDICROUS ENERGY SETUP,
SAYING, "TEXANS WOULD BE WITHOUT ELECTRICITY FOR LONGER THAN
THREE DAYS TO KEEP THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OUT OF THEIR
BUSINESS."
THAT STATEMENT WAS SO DUMB, RICK PERRY IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO MAKE
HIMSELF SEEM SMARTER BY WEARING A SECOND PAIR OF GLASSES.
OF COURSE, THERE'S ONE GUY IN TEXAS GIVING RICK PERRY A RUN
FOR HIS DUMMY: SENATOR AND MAN WHOSE FACE WAS SEIZED BY AN
ANGRY MOB, THEN TARRED AND PUBED, TED CRUZ.
AT THE HEIGHT OF THE CRISIS LAST WEEK, FOLKS ON SOCIAL MEDIA
SPOTTED TED CRUZ BOARDING A FLIGHT TO CANCUN.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, TED
CRUZ GETS GONE."
THE SENATOR GOT A LOT OF CRITICISM, SO HE IMMEDIATELY
SWALLOWED HIS PRIDE, PULLED HIMSELF UP BY HIS OWN
BOOTSTRAPS, AND THREW HIS DAUGHTERS UNDER A BUS:
"WITH SCHOOL CANCELED FOR THE WEEK, OUR GIRLS ASKED TO TAKE A
TRIP WITH FRIENDS.
WANTING TO BE A GOOD DAD, I FLEW DOWN WITH THEM LAST NIGHT AND AM
FLYING BACK THIS AFTERNOON."
SEE?
HE WAS JUST BEING A GOOD DAD.
UNLIKE ALL THOSE TERRIBLE FATHERS WHO WERE HUDDLING WITH
THEIR KIDS FOR WARMTH.
REMINDS ME OF F.D.R.'S FAMOUS SPEECH:
>> DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DAY THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER ANNA'S FAULT!
COME ON, HONEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME THE JAPANESE WERE
COMING?!
YOU'RE GROUNDED!
>> STEPHEN: TURNS OUT, IT WASN'T ONLY COWARDLY, IT WAS A LIE.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A LEAK FROM UNITED AIRLINES, CRUZ WAS
INITIALLY BOOKED TO RETURN HOME SATURDAY AND HE BOOKED HIS
RETURN TICKET AT 6:00 A.M.
THURSDAY.
OH, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.
PLUS, HE WAS IN COACH, SO THEY CHARGED HIM $25 TO CHECK HIS
DOUCHE-BAG.
AS PART OF THE FALLOUT, UNITED IS INVESTIGATING THE FLIGHT INFO
LEAK.
THAT'S GOING TO BE TRICKY.
"OKAY, WHO WOULD HAVE LEAKED THIS?
WHO HATES TED CRUZ?
OKAY, IS THERE ANY WAY TO NARROW THAT DOWN?"
AFTER TED FLEW BACK TO TEXAS, HE DECIDED TO FESS UP TO THE
REPORTERS: >> I STARTED HAVING SECOND
THOUGHTS ALMOST THE MOMENT I SAT DOWN ON THE PLANE.
LEAVING WHEN SO MANY TEXANS WERE HURTING DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT, SO I
CHANGED MY RETURN FLIGHT AND FLEW BACK ON THE FIRST AVAILABLE
FLIGHT I COULD TAKE.
>> STEPHEN: TOO LATE, YOU ALREADY DID THE BAD THING, AND
WE KNOW YOU LIED ABOUT IT!
IT'S LIKE AN OLD TIMEY VILLAIN GOING, "YOU KNOW, TYING THAT
DAMSEL TO THE TRAIN TRACKS JUST DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.
SO I TOOK THE FIRST TRAIN BACK AFTER THE ACCIDENT SO I COULD BE
HERE FOR THE GRIEVING FAMILY.
WHICH BOX HAS THE HEAD?" IN TYPICAL TED CRUZ FASHION,
EVERY DETAIL THAT COMES OUT OF THIS STORY IS MORE TED CRUZ-IER
THAN THE LAST ONE.
FOR EXAMPLE, SENATOR TED CRUZ FAILED TO MENTION HIS COLLEGE
ROOMMATE ALSO WAS ALONG FOR THE VISIT.
I GOT TO SAY, THAT MAKES THE "I WAS JUST ESCORTING MY KIDS"
EXCUSE SOUND REALLY WEIRD.
(AS TED) "HEY, YOU WANNA FLY DOWN TO
MEXICO FOR SOME FUN?
ALSO, I HAVE TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, CAN YOU WATCH MY
KIDS?
ONE MARGARITA APIECE!" IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE AFTER
CRUZ RETURNED, WE FOUND OUT HE LEFT HIS DOG BEHIND.
NOW, BEFORE YOU FEEL SAD FOR THE DOG, REMEMBER, HE GOT TO SPEND
TWO DAYS AWAY FROM TED CRUZ.
BUT UNITED AIRLINES HAS BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN WHO RATTED OUT TED
CRUZ, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN THE LATEST
INSTALLMENT OF MY BELOVED SEGMENT, "KEEP IN MIND,
EVERYONE'S FINE."
>> I'M OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: REMEMBER, BEFORE YOU WATCH THE FOOTAGE I'M ABOUT TO
SHOW YOU, KEEP IN MIND: EVERYONE'S FINE.
SHORTLY AFTER TAKEOFF ON A UNITED FLIGHT FROM DENVER TO
HONOLULU, A PASSENGER SHOT THIS VIDEO OF--
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
NOW THAT IS A GOOD REASON TO USE FLIGHT ATTENDANT CALL BUTTON.
"UH, EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT A PILOT, AND I'M SURE THIS IS A DUMB
QUESTION, BUT THAT ENGINE THAT'S ON FIRE-- IS THAT OUR ENGINE?
THE ONE KEEPING US IN THE AIR?
QUICK FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: YOU'RE STILL BRINGING THE DRINK CART
AROUND, RIGHT?" NOW, KEEP IN MIND: EVERYONE'S
FINE.
AFTER THE ENGINE BLEW UP AND GOT ALL FLAMEY, PILOTS ISSUED A
MAYDAY, TURNED AROUND AND LANDED SAFELY BACK IN DENVER.
BUT PEOPLE ON THE GROUND GOT A SCARE, TOO, BECAUSE DEBRIS
RAINED DOWN ON A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD.
WOW.
NOW, I'M ASSUMING THAT FELL OFF THE PLANE.
UNLESS THE MIDDLE "O" FELL OUT OF "COLORADO."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS BILL GATES.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪