Big sports fan in general.

Okay, well listen. Now we have this issue of

whose gonna get into the Hall of Fame, and

they're not people like...

Letting people Bonds and Clemens in, because,

obviously of steroid use in the past.

What's your take on that?

Uh... I don't know.

Does it upset... does it make you crazy?

No, I don't mind that people use 'roids.

I think they should use 'roids, because

they're using themselves as guinea pigs,

and it'll all trickle down to us one day.

And after they messed up, you know,

they're heads get all big, and they,

they take that part out.

I think by the time-

You mean if enough athletes...

You're saying, use steroids-

Destroy themselves with steroids,

they'll figure out how...

They already... they do it with singers.

If a singer can't sing, she gets to use a steroid.

Yeah.

Right?

So they're... you say it's going to improve...

It's gonna improve the drug so that we get to use them?

I'm saying, by the time we're 80,

they're gonna have like a steroid vaporizer.

That you can just inhale, and you're gonna have abs.

I'll get a full head of hair.

And you're gonna be banging some hot 65-year-old.

And it's all gonna be because of these athletes

and the sacrifices that they made. That no one appreciates.

Baseball, I don't know,

it's not quite the way it used to be.

I don't like that whole thing,

like when you go to a game, if you catch a foul ball

you gotta like, give it to a kid now.

What are you talking about?

That's why kids are all mushy and fat.

They don't have to... they don't gotta work for anything!

First of all I don't like, when I was a kid,

I had to fight adults to try and get one,

and I never got one, and they blocked me out,

and that was totally acceptable in the 70's and 80's.

[Conan] Yes, it's true.

So now I gotta sit there, take a line shot to my hand,

have that swollen up, and then I...

Oh, give it to a kid. No!

Declining ratings. Do you think the NFL has a problem?

They're starting to say they're losing viewership.

No. People who care about football are still watching it.

They just, they got too big. They just went all poppy.

They had everybody dressing in pink, right?

There's always jets flying over, "support the troops".

Katy Perry's doing a dance, right?

They just, they just took it way too far.

What I love about sports is it's a great way to

tap out from the news, and just you know,

watch a game and get away from it.

Now there's like all these causes are getting like

attached to it. Like, I was watching the World Series,

and I'm in the middle of watching the World Series,

and out of nowhere, they have this moment:

"stand up to cancer".

I'm watching a ball game, and all of a sudden

everybody stands up, holding up a sign

of somebody that they either know that's dying of cancer

or died of it, in the middle of the game.

It's just like, what are you doing?

Trying to watch a game here! You don't...

No, there's a time and a place!

Look, I know somebody...

I know somebody that has died of cancer.

I would never go to the movies with you,

and in the middle of it, hit pause and be like

"Oh, by the way Conan, I know this guy..."

(audience laughing)

"He died of cancer, it was horrific.

I could have lifted him up off the sheet with two fingers,

it was horrible, hey enjoy...

Oh, by the way, I got molested when I was nine.

Enjoy the rest of this."

You gonna have a Super Bowl party?

Yes. No Super Bowl party. No Super Bowl party.

If you're a true football fan, you do not go to

Super Bowl parties. Because it's all a bunch of losers

who don't watch it all year, and what they do is

they talk during the game, and then they shut up

during the commercial. And then the game comes back,

they're like "oh, how much you think that one cost?

Huh? What did you... Was that funny?

I though that one stunk."

And it's just like... I just...

The rage that goes through me.

Through the game. And I just, you know.

Ended up fighting, you know, with somebody.

So you just are opposed to them having a party

in the middle of the Super Bowl. Like, you know,

having a... a half-time show.

Yeah, I don't like it. It's the most important

game of the year, and they turned it into

like this... this... I don't know what it is.

I don't even know what it is anymore.

It used to be like a little high school band came out...

[Conan] Yeah.

Playing a little song.

[Conan] Right.

And then that was it. And now they just...

Shooting t-shirts into the crowd.

I really sound like a grumpy old man, but I...

I just wanna watch the game.

[Conan] Right.

I'm just gonna be me, sitting alone, screaming at my TV.

How much football do you watch a week?

I watch... I watch two games on Sunday, I tape three.

[Conan] Right.

Then I watch the Monday game, and then Tuesday

I watch one of the three that I taped.

Wednesday I watch another one, then I watch

the Thursday night game.

And then Friday, I watch the Sunday night game.

And then Saturday I watch college football.

Okay.

And it's fine.

Okay.

Because I have a simple male brain

that can just sit there and just... just enjoy it.

I can just enjoy it.

So does your wife watch any of these games with you?

No, she has the female, complex, multitasking brain.

That's why they can't be happy. They just...

Always... they're like, what is that lizard

that can look at two things at once?

That's what they're like.

So they got the shoes they want, and then

they see some other woman walking in, going

"oh, look at this skinny bitch over here,

she thinks she's cute, right?" And they...

That's what I've learned.

Oh god.

You know what makes women happy?

Nothing. Nothing makes them happy, and that is why

they are slowly taking over the NFL, because

it annoys that we can just sit there, with like

a pizza and a drink, like "uh, that's not holding!"

Just, just be like... and enjoy ourselves.

So you're saying that you... because you're happy,

that you think your wife, and women in general, wanna...

They're jealous of it. They don't want their own thing.

They don't want their own shit. They want our shit.

I don't know what it is. And it's... I think it's because

we're happy. We're just sitting there, enjoying ourselves.

Having a good time without them. It drives them nuts.

And they just gotta go in there and ruin it.

I still watch O.J. Simpsons highlights.

(audience laughing)

I do, I'm a... I'm a football fan.

He's one of the top five running backs of all time.

You're able to compartmentalize.

But he's all of that.

When he goes into a restaurant and they go

"Murderer! Murderer!" He's not just that.

He also won the Heisman Trophy, he ran...

He got 2,000 yards in a 14-game season.

It's just like, people are very... they're complex.

You think anyone, when he walks into...

Complex? You think when he walks into restaurant,

anyone yells out "Heisman Trophy!"

I would be... I would be adding stuff on.

You know, "Naked Gun! Naked Gun! 1 and 2!"

I don't like how they interview the coaches too,

when they go to the half... like, in half-time.

As they're running off, like I think they should

just be able to stay focused on the game.

They shouldn't have to talk to somebody in

like a ski parka. They're like "yeah, you know,

you're down by 14, what are your thoughts?"

It's like, what the... What do you think my thoughts are?

This sucks! I'm worried about my job.

I'll probably have to sell my house.

My wife's gonna leave me. I need to score

more points in the other half.

(audience laughing)

Who are you? Why am I talking to you?

You're not even in football? Did you even play

to the high school level?

[Conan] No, no. Probably not.

You took journalism.

[Conan] Yeah.

Get outta here.

What about...

Yeah, it's a bunch of nerds

interrupting people who know what they're doing.

(audience laughing)

And the thing that concerned me the most in sports

was, I watched Cleveland play a home game

in November, and it was 71 degrees out.

And the pitchers were sweating and all that...

No, that's not a good thing, people.

(audience laughing)

This is the golden age of global warming.

So take it in. Stick your arm out the window.

Before the hellfires come.

Well, always nice to cheer up the crowd.

That's when you know you're in trouble.

In the NFL, is when you just stand there...

I don't even know what that means, "we gotta get it right."

"We didn't get it right, but we're gonna work on

trying to get it right, so next time

we gotta get it right."

(audience laughing)

"I'm embarrassed for my actions.

I'm embarrassed for the League.

Embarrassed for anyone on the same continent as me.

We didn't get it right, we gotta get it right next time,

we're gonna work on getting it right."

Starts with that, and then the next day

the guy's on the sports talk radio.

You know the "and, and, and" guys?

[Conan] Yeah, yeah.

That connects all their thoughts with that.

Like "they came out in the firs quarter, and...

they were all over 'em!"

Those guys jump on it. "What does this say?

What does... what does the League.. What kind of message...

what kind of message are they sending out?"

Like, I don't... It's like, what...

What message are they sending out?

Do you think I'm gonna see this guy hit a woman,

and then I'm gonna do it?

[Conan] Right.

Right?

Right.

I wasn't gonna hit a woman, but then that guy

in the Ravens did it, so I guess it's okay.

(audience laughing)

"They got a real problem!"

It drove me nuts the whole month.

"They got a real problem in the NFL."

As compared to what? Plumbers? Electricians?

Society in general? There's a lot of great people

that play football. The League's gonna be fine.

A lot of New England fans get upset that

Brady didn't catch that pass.

He should have laid out.

What?