♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

[ Laughter ]

♪♪♪♪

-People in L.A. think that's a tractor, so whatever.

So... [ Laughter ]

Alright, we're all adults here

Since we're all adults, I think maybe we can talk about

the facts of life.

Like, fact of life --

If you are trying to get to the bathroom

in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea

to unbutton your pants in transit in the effort

to save a couple of seconds.

Because the muscles that guard the floodgates

will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon

their post, and the two second you save on that button

are nullified by the hour and half

you spend mopping and doing laundry.

[ Laughter ]

Fact of life --

Out of all of the cereals, Cap'n Crunch

is the most time intensive.

Here's what I'm talking about.

You eat it too soon after you pour the milk on,

and you will rip the roof of your mouth to shreds.

You wait too long after you pour the milk on,

and the Cap'n will put a film on your teeth

a wire brush can't get rid of.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Fact of life --

If your wife hints she might be in the mood,

your kids will sense it and won't go to bed for 3 years.

[ Laughter ]

Speaking of kids, fact of life --

The more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes.

People that only have one child are making homemade baby food

out of organic vegetables they're growing

in their own backyard.

Yeah, by the time that fourth kid rolls around,

you're smoking a cigarette while you watch your toddler

pull a year-old Milkdud out from under the stove and eat it.

[ Laughter ]

"Pick the cat hair off of it

before you put it in your mouth, dummy."

[ Laughter ]

Fact of life --

100 percent of the black men that shave their heads

look really, really cool.

50 percent of the white guys that shave their heads

look like they just murdered their parents.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're thinking of somebody, aren't ya?

Fact of life --

Flying on an airplane makes you gassy.

Nobody ever talks about this

Nobody acknowledges this.

No, we just take our little roll around suitcase

and walk to baggage claim popping them off

like a trail horse.

[ Popping ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Popping stops ]

Fact of life --

Women always have more questions

than men have answers to.

Great example.

One night I got a text.

The text said, "Please pray for Tom.

He was in a bad wreck."

So, I walked through the house I found my wife.

I said, "Hey, I just got a tex that said please pray for Tom.

He was in a bad wreck."

She said, "Was he driving? I said, "I don't know.

I just got text that said please pray for Tom.

He was in a bad wreck."

She said, "Were Carol and th kids in the car with him?"

I said, "I don't know.

I just got text that said please pray for Tom.

He was in a bad wreck."

She said, "Was the people in the other car hurt, too?"

I said, "I don't know.

I just got a text that said please pray for Tom.

He was in a bad wreck."

She said, "Did they even have insurance?

I said, "I don't know.

I just got a text that said please pray for Tom.

He was in a bad wreck."

She said, "What hospital did they take him to?"

I said, "I don't know.

I just got a text that said please pray for Tom.

He was in a bad wreck."

She said, "You don't know anything.

What do you know?"

I said, "I know you need to pray for Tom.

I just got a text, said he was in a bad wreck."

You guys are awesome. God bless you.

Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]