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-Hey, guys, it is Friday, and that is usually, yeah,
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Fri-yay That's what Tariq says.
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It's Friday, that's usually when I take care of some business,
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I get some things done, you know,
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but the day just got completely away from me.
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I spend all day playing online poker.
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And I completely forgot to write out my weekly thank-you notes.
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So now I know it's during the show,
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but if you don't mind, I thought I'd take this time
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to write out my thank-you notes right now,
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is that okay with you? Appreciate it.
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Can I get some thank-you note writing music please.
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Thank you, Trump's defense lawyer,
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for somehow managing to be the most embarrassing legal story
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in the same week that had Zoom cat lawyer.
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How did he pull that one off?
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Thank you, $8,000 Louis Vuitton sweater,
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for looking like someone covered themselves with glue
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and then moshed at a Yo Gabba Gabba! concert.
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Thank you, breakfast in bed,
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for giving me 20 minutes of a nice breakfast
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in exchange for eight hours of sleeping in muffin crumbs.
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[ Light cheers and applause ]
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Muffin crumbs.
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I feel like muffin tops has gotten a little out of hand.
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-Yeah, something else is like a loaf loaf topped.
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-Yeah, not even muffin anymore at this point.
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And it's just it just totally ruins the bottom now.
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-Yeah, it really does. -Disappointing.
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It's just just take the bottom out of the equation.
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-Why don't they just sell muffin tops?
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-Tops only, yeah. Call 'em scones.
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-Ahh.
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[ Light laughter ]
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-But then you know you got a scone.
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Scones aren't moist like muffins.
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That's the one time I heard the word moist
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and didn't cringe.
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I agree with you. Yeah. Scones are dry.
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It's almost like you're mixing it in your mouth.
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-Yeah, right? -To make something else.
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-Yeah. I don't I don't do all the work.
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-Yeah. You've got to do all the mixing.
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And if you put that added muffin tin, you make a muffin.
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-You're on to something, Jimmy. -I know, man.
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I gotta to call, I gotta call the Bisquick people.
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Yeah, we don't. Sorry. Yeah. We don't.
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No, we don't run the family business.
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And you got you call. This is Fred Bisquick.
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I'm into like video, video director and stuff like that.
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But my brother.
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Mark. Mark's more at what? -[ Imitates voice on line ]
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-Uh-huh. -[ Imitates voice on line ]
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-Scones? -[ Imitates voice on line ]
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-Sure, sure, sure. Again, this is Fred Bisquick.
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I don't run that part of the family business.
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I'm more like, you know, wedding video editing,
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stuff like that. So but if you need
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any of that stuff like you, give me a call, okay?
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Call me back. -[ Imitates voice on line ]
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Are you married? -[ Imitates voice on line ]
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-Alright. Yeah. Well, anyway, actually my brothers here
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Do you want to talk to him? -[ Imitates voice on line ]
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-Okay, hold on.
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Hello.
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No, no, I'm sorry, I'm just eating a scone. [ Coughs ]
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[ Laughter ]
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Thank you, bouquets, for apparently being French
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for a $200 pile of dead plants. Aw, hey, come on.
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[ Applause ]
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Thank you, sidewalk puddles, or, as New Yorkers call them,
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the winter long jump.
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[ Applause ]
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Thank you, curbside pickup, being the closest
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I'll ever get to feeling like a NASCAR driver
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with my own pit crew. It's like.
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Thank you, long johns,
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for not going by your full name, lengthy Jonathans.
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[ Laughter, applause ]
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[ Cymbal crashes ]
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Gosh.
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Thank you, ski lifts, for being the most exciting way
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to feel like dry cleaning.
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There you have it, everybody. Those are my thank you notes.