Fri-yay That's what Tariq says.

It's Friday, that's usually when I take care of some business,

I get some things done, you know,

but the day just got completely away from me.

I spend all day playing online poker.

And I completely forgot to write out my weekly thank-you notes.

So now I know it's during the show,

but if you don't mind, I thought I'd take this time

to write out my thank-you notes right now,

is that okay with you? Appreciate it.

Can I get some thank-you note writing music please.

Thank you, Trump's defense lawyer,

for somehow managing to be the most embarrassing legal story

in the same week that had Zoom cat lawyer.

How did he pull that one off?

Thank you, $8,000 Louis Vuitton sweater,

for looking like someone covered themselves with glue

and then moshed at a Yo Gabba Gabba! concert.

Thank you, breakfast in bed,

for giving me 20 minutes of a nice breakfast

in exchange for eight hours of sleeping in muffin crumbs.

[ Light cheers and applause ]

Muffin crumbs.

I feel like muffin tops has gotten a little out of hand.

-Yeah, something else is like a loaf loaf topped.

-Yeah, not even muffin anymore at this point.

And it's just it just totally ruins the bottom now.

-Yeah, it really does. -Disappointing.

It's just just take the bottom out of the equation.

-Why don't they just sell muffin tops?

-Tops only, yeah. Call 'em scones.

-Ahh.

[ Light laughter ]

-But then you know you got a scone.

Scones aren't moist like muffins.

That's the one time I heard the word moist

and didn't cringe.

I agree with you. Yeah. Scones are dry.

It's almost like you're mixing it in your mouth.

-Yeah, right? -To make something else.

-Yeah. I don't I don't do all the work.

-Yeah. You've got to do all the mixing.

And if you put that added muffin tin, you make a muffin.

-You're on to something, Jimmy. -I know, man.

I gotta to call, I gotta call the Bisquick people.

Yeah, we don't. Sorry. Yeah. We don't.

No, we don't run the family business.

And you got you call. This is Fred Bisquick.

I'm into like video, video director and stuff like that.

But my brother.

Mark. Mark's more at what? -[ Imitates voice on line ]

-Uh-huh. -[ Imitates voice on line ]

-Scones? -[ Imitates voice on line ]

-Sure, sure, sure. Again, this is Fred Bisquick.

I don't run that part of the family business.

I'm more like, you know, wedding video editing,

stuff like that. So but if you need

any of that stuff like you, give me a call, okay?

Call me back. -[ Imitates voice on line ]

Are you married? -[ Imitates voice on line ]

-Alright. Yeah. Well, anyway, actually my brothers here

Do you want to talk to him? -[ Imitates voice on line ]

-Okay, hold on.

Hello.

No, no, I'm sorry, I'm just eating a scone. [ Coughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, bouquets, for apparently being French

for a $200 pile of dead plants. Aw, hey, come on.

[ Applause ]

Thank you, sidewalk puddles, or, as New Yorkers call them,

the winter long jump.

[ Applause ]

Thank you, curbside pickup, being the closest

I'll ever get to feeling like a NASCAR driver

with my own pit crew. It's like.

Thank you, long johns,

for not going by your full name, lengthy Jonathans.

[ Laughter, applause ]

[ Cymbal crashes ]

Gosh.

Thank you, ski lifts, for being the most exciting way

to feel like dry cleaning.

There you have it, everybody. Those are my thank you notes.