- Nothing goes with dish duty

better than my favorite TV show.

Swanson and Son! (people yelling angrily)

Uh oh, this isn't the lighthearted comic joust

I've come to love.

(bell dings)

Everyone loves a kooky neighbor cameo.

Time to shake up the plot.

(laughing)

Son, you booked the part!

- What part?

The virgin piglet who gets out-manned by his chimp brother

and then butt (beep) his date with Regina?

- Yes! You're the supporting actor in a crossover episode

of Stacey's TV show of a life.

I saw him and Junior kerfuffling,

and it's our sole responsibility

to murder their family problems

with a good old fashioned son swap.

(audience gasps)

- A son swap? If we're switching bodies,

I am crowbarring myself in your nuts.

- No, no. A son swap.

You go to Stacey's. Junior comes here.

It's the exact lighthearted sitcom fun the doctor ordered.

To, you know, cure Stacey's dark depression,

and fix whatever it is Junior has.

Security! Escort Blark from the premises.

He passed his word limit.

(breathing heavily)

- Son swap!

- Okay Dad, stop it.

Dad, I'm serious. Stop!

Stop!

No! (beep) fine! (beep) (beep) fine! (beep)

I'll do your stupid son swap.

- I'm thrilled you've accepted the role.

Call time is in 30 minutes. Brava!

(sighing)

- [Blark] Son!

- [Son] Not now, Dad.

- Son. - Get out!

- [Blark] I love you, son!

(Blark chuckles)

- Listen up Stacey, tonight is nothing more

than a cold, meaningless obligation.

No talking, no trying to connect,

and no (beep) smiles.

- No talking, no problem.

Junior hasn't spoken to me or anyone in a week,

besides I plan to use this time to piece together

my last bookie torched in your fire cult.

So yeah, no talking. Sounds delightful.

- Whoa. They made a book out of the

Wizards of Wall Street movie?

- It started as three novels.

The movie doesn't even mention the love affair

between Narda the Great

and Tarley the Destroyer of Dividends.

- Oh, Narda is my number one fantasy crush.

Me loves her triple titties.

Do tell more.

- Well, Narda and Tarley fall in love

after selling magical mutual funds together,

and then, after the Recession of Rivermoor,

they end their romance

and struggle to maintain a cordial friendship.

- Whoa. That's pretty sad.

Kinda sounds like me and Regina.

(sighing)

- I saw how your date ended the other night.

That- that was rough.

You want to talk about it?

(upbeat music plays)

(door slams open)

- Junior! Let's jump right into

the fun and games of this episode.

You can take anything you want from Son's room

home with you.

All I ask is you claim whatever you're taking

by marking it with your piss.

(Junior grunts)

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You sound like a cave boy, Junior.

We're going to alienate our audience

if you don't use your words.

(Junior grunts)

(tribal music begins)

(Blark grunts)

(Junior grunting back)

(Blark grunts)

(Blark grunts)

(Junior grunts)

(Blark and Junior grunting)

- So, yeah. She broke up with me and now she hates me.

I don't even have to guts to talk to her about it.

You know, Son, you weren't wrong.

You and Regina are like Narda and Tarley,

and if you look at your date night

as the Battle of the Bonds-

- I'm like Tarley

who unleashed eldermoor stimulus checks too early.

- Money-gazam!

I gotta say, the emotional power struggle between you two,

it's- it's poetic.

- Oh, you know, just write that for your next book.

It's classic.

- Holy (beep) (glass shatters)

(tribal music plays)

(Blark grunts)

(Junior grunts)

(Blark grunts back)

(Blark grunts excitedly)

(Junior grunts)

(Blark and Junior grunting excitedly)

- (indistinct) baby! (laughs)

You are a genius, Son.

Hey, shh. I've never told anyone this,

but I never wanted to be a how-to writer.

I was born to write fantasy!

(indistinct) 'cause I am alive!

- You know, at first I thought this son swap thing

was really stupid, but it's actually kind of nice

to talk about all this Regina stuff.

For what it's worth, I think you're a pretty awesome dad.

I mean dude.

- Uh. You know what? If we're going to write this book,

then we are gonna do it the right way.

Yeah. The way Socrates, Hemingway,

and the creator of Billions on Showtime did.

- Is that wine?

- Just a glass.

You deserve it.

- Um, I'm not really comfortable

drinking alcohol with you, Stacey.

- It's not alcohol.

It is- it's wine.

- Um, no, I'm a kid.

- Fine! Two for me.

- Ooh!

(Junior grunts)

(Blark grunts)

(Junior grunts back)

- Hm.

(car engine starts)

(Junior grunts)

(thunder cracks)

(tires screeching)

(thunder cracks)

(Junior grunts)

- [Man] No! We've been in a terrible accident,

but we're okay.

Wait, are those wolves?

Son, mommy and daddy love you, and our legs are trapped!

Run while you can, son!

Run from the wolves while you can! Run!

Run! (heavy breathing)

(Junior grunting)

- [Boy] Ew, that kid is so weird.

Get him!

(punching and slapping)

- [Stacey] Hello. I'm here to adopt a child.

That one will do.

(Junior grunting)

(soft piano music plays)

- Ah.

Ah.

(triumphant music plays)

(Junior grunts)

(Junior grunts excitedly)

- Um, Junior. Wow.

Um, you can't live here.

(Junior crying)

(door slams)

(crickets chirping)

- So, are we going to write some more?

- You think I'm a loser, don't you?

- You know what, I'ma go home.

Son Swap is over.

- Why, huh?

'Cause neighbor Stacey offered

you a little great man grape juice?

I was letting you into the-

(door slams open) (Junior crying)

Junior! What are you wearing?

- Junior and I had a great time.

What the (beep) is going on here?

- Stacey tried to get me drunk.

- Blark, I can explain!

Whoa! (bone crunching)

(Stacey snoring)

- Whoa.

That did not go as planned.

- Yeah. Stacey tried to give me alcohol.

- Son Swap was a bad idea.

Most of it wasn't even that funny.

- I think Stacey has some real issues.

- Junior is a dark soul

with an incredibly tortured past.

(wolf howling) (man screaming)

- Should we have helped them?

- Son, allow me to put your mind at ease.

All that crazy stuff has blown over by now.

Stacey and Junior are probably having a laugh

and resetting for their next comedic plot.

If there's one thing I know about sitcoms, they never end.

- It's so cold.

♪ Swanson and Son ♪

♪ Swanson and Son ♪

♪ Together they are one. ♪

♪ (indistinct) ♪

♪ And when they're together ♪

♪ They got nothing but harm ♪

♪ Saying I love you forever. ♪

♪ Swanson and Son. ♪