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  • (keyboard clacking)

  • (sighing)

  • - Hey, Matt.

  • Got your email with the report,

  • thanks so much for sending.

  • Question, did you CC John on that?

  • - Uh, yes, I believe I did.

  • - Oh that's interesting 'cause I'm looking

  • at that email right now and you didn't.

  • - Oh.

  • - You BCC'd me.

  • - Oh.

  • You still got the email then, right?

  • - I did.

  • - Look, I know you're new around here,

  • so I just want to make sure

  • you understand the email protocol.

  • You always CC both John and I on all work emails

  • 'cause if you BCC see him,

  • then I can't check to make sure that you CC'd him.

  • - Got it.

  • I made a mistake.

  • - Great.

  • Question, why did you make that mistake?

  • - I guess I'm a little tired this morning.

  • - Uh huh. - Oh gosh.

  • - Why are you so tired?

  • - I have anxiety that sometimes keeps me up at night.

  • - What causes this anxiety?

  • - I guess sometimes I feel like

  • this can be sort of a confrontational work environment.

  • - Hey, bud

  • Hampton DeVille encourages

  • aggressive confrontational criticism.

  • - [Kate] Why don't you like confrontation?

  • Defend your position.

  • - Oh uh.

  • No, I mean.

  • I think confrontation is a good thing.

  • It's just sometimes confrontation hurts

  • my job performance and damages my personal well being.

  • - Uh oh.

  • Well, if you can't manage your emotions, Matt,

  • what makes you think you're qualified

  • to manage people at this company?

  • - Honestly, I don't know.

  • - Oh.

  • - I never really saw myself here.

  • I mean, after college I volunteered

  • for a program teaching underprivileged kids

  • because I wanted to help people

  • but then one of the students stabbed me

  • and the school was pretty dirty

  • and I realized I wasn't cut out for it.

  • So, I moved back in with my parents

  • which I'm pretty sure led to them getting a divorce

  • because. - We don't love each other.

  • - That's what they told me happened.

  • Then I worked a series of jobs

  • that eventually landed me here.

  • Where I'm just a cog in a soulless, corporate machine

  • and I'm not--

  • - Okay, well just make sure that you CC

  • both John and I on all work emails.

  • It's a simple mistake.

  • But its just important to follow protocol.

  • - Yes.

  • Jake, question.

  • Why do you think it's okay

  • to come into work with your shirt untucked?

  • - Because life is meaningless

  • and nothing we do matters.

  • - Okay, great.

  • - Have a great day, you two. - Thanks, guys.

  • (upbeat classical music)

  • (speaking Spanish)

  • (upbeat classical music)

  • (boat horn blaring)

  • (truck horn blaring)

  • (upbeat classical music)

  • - Oh, Matt.

  • That banana has brown spots on it.

  • - What?

  • Oh, ew.

  • - As you all know, profits for Hampton DeVille

  • are at an all time high,

  • unfortunately, the well being

  • at our employees is at an all time low.

  • Let's take a look at the average Hampton DeVille employee.

  • The average life expectancy for a Hampton DeVille employee

  • is 57.1 years.

  • They get five point two hours of sleep...

  • - I'm so tired.

  • I wish I could be asleep all the time.

  • - You just described death.

  • - Yeah, I guess I want to be dead.

  • - I can't wait to die.

  • It sounds so relaxing.

  • - The average employee is half man, half woman.

  • They have one testicle, one breast,

  • and half a vagina.

  • Every year, the average employee consumes

  • 561 cups of coffee and 1,000 pounds of...

  • - I feel nothing when I drink coffee.

  • - Coffee is a scam.

  • Be an adult, take an Adderall.

  • - The average Hampton DeVille employee

  • strongly agrees with the following phrase,

  • if I see a pill, I eat a pill.

  • They smoke 275 cigarettes annually,

  • 97 marijuana cigarettes,

  • and due to some statistical outliers,

  • the average employee does heroin.

  • - I would never do heroin, unless I was dying

  • or someone just offered it to me.

  • - I don't have a 401k,

  • so as of now my retirement plan is to overdose on drugs.

  • - Smart.

  • - The average employee has seven point eight

  • suicidal thoughts per day,

  • 18 panic attacks a year,

  • and wonders once a hour, every hour,

  • why this is happening to them.

  • And that concludes my presentation

  • on how Hampton DeVille employees

  • cope with the pain of being alive.

  • (applause)

  • - Okay, thank you, Grace.

  • Should we talk next steps?

  • - First step, let us never speak of this again.

  • - Yes, that's right.

  • That's really the only step.

  • (metal ringing) (wet crunching)

  • - You're chopping wood,

  • immersed in nature,

  • removed from the oppressive modern world.

  • Pure, organic, salt, sweat, and hops.

  • You reach for a brew

  • but you don't want a regular beer brewed

  • by soulless machines.

  • You want something crafted by hand

  • because you're unique, different from other people, better.

  • You're a special man.

  • Imagine the heart and soul of a thousand year old tree.

  • Imagine an apple that tastes like God.

  • Imagine the Patriot Act never existed.

  • Imagine true freedom.

  • Congrats, you've now imagined Matt's Brew.

  • Imagine an eagle.

  • Because beer can be better.

  • So, what'd you think?

  • - I think brewing your own beer

  • is a sign of a lost person.

  • - Jake, it's me inside this bottle

  • and I want you to taste me.

  • - No, I don't like beer.

  • - I don't like beer either

  • but this is craft brew.

  • - You are acting like frat guy.

  • - Craft brew is a rebellion against frat culture.

  • - No means no.

  • - [Echoing] No!

  • My brew.

  • (gunshot)

  • (soft muzak)

  • - Oh, I'll have a bloody Mary, thanks.

  • Oh I wonder if the hotel has a pool.

  • - Matt, no.

  • I forbid you to go swimming.

  • This is the corporate retreat,

  • not MTV Spring Break.

  • - Jake, this is the closest I've had

  • to a vacation in years.

  • All I want to do is have some fun

  • and maybe drunkenly say something

  • way too personal to a coworker

  • that I'll always regret.

  • - Matt, look, this weekend is about one thing.

  • Forming superficial relationships

  • with people you can exploit in the future.