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  • - [Anders] I got a skateboarding celebrity

  • right here for ya, Blake Henderson.

  • Champion of the ramp.

  • - What's up, brajettes?

  • Very gnar to meet you.

  • ♪ We gotta, we gotta, we gotta ♪

  • ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪

  • - You guys ready to get weird tonight, or what?

  • - Fur sure.

  • - Oh ho, lookin' straight grizzly.

  • - Bitch better have my honey!

  • - Oh, ooh, bear puns, I like those.

  • - Dude, I can't believe

  • you spent your entire paycheck on that jacket.

  • - Well, I didn't spend my entire paycheck.

  • I made 350, and Karl gave me a deal on the coat.

  • 345!

  • - [Adam] That's good, that's a good deal.

  • - So you saved five bucks.

  • Way to go.

  • - Well, I invested my savings in a little bottle of Ipecac.

  • It's the stuff that makes you barf?

  • - Smart move.

  • - Basically a get out of work free pass.

  • ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪

  • - Hey, buddy.

  • I couldn't help but overhear you

  • being a little nervous Nelly Furtado.

  • - Yeah, I guess. - You need a friend?

  • - Oh nah, meh, no, don't do it.

  • - Blake, try it once, man.

  • Look at me, man.

  • I got it all figured out, buddy.

  • - Did it cause your eye to do that, or?

  • - No, I was born with that.

  • - Oh okay, then yeah, I'll give it a shot.

  • I wish this was real.

  • (both laughing)

  • - He would've murdered her.

  • - Hey, it's Blake right?

  • - Who the (bleep) is this?

  • - I saw you on campus earlier, and I've gotta say,

  • pretty convincing French police officer.

  • - Thank you.

  • - How'd you like to be the understudy of Javert

  • in this year's production of "Les Mis?"

  • - Understudy?

  • How 'bout you study under my nutsack.

  • - [Karl] Oh!

  • - Right under there.

  • - There it is. - There it is.

  • - Sorry, is that a no?

  • - Fritz, life is a stage!

  • - Correct.

  • - Smoke weed until you die.

  • - That's right, that's right.

  • - Now why don't you go direct yourself over

  • to the Snack Shack and get daddy some Airheads?

  • - Bounce, man.

  • - Okay I will bounce, thank you, bye.

  • - That was good, man.

  • Acting's for chicks anyways.

  • ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪

  • - [Blake] Come on, I wanna show you something, come on.

  • Jesus, are you kidding me, come on!

  • - Guys?

  • I'm sorry, but you can't be in here.

  • We've got rehearsal in about five minutes.

  • - And I need but four, okay?

  • This is Mr. Buckley, Rancho Cucamonga acting legend,

  • have you heard of him?

  • - No.

  • - Well, we would like to perform a scene from his play,

  • which I'm sure you've heard of, MacBreath.

  • - Fine. - Excellent.

  • (Blake laughs)

  • - What are you doing?

  • - All right everybody, I will be playing the role of Angela,

  • and he shall be playing the role of MacBreath, our hero.

  • Our scene starts in a crowded bus.

  • Angela enters.

  • Excuse me?

  • Pardon me.

  • - Blake, I can't do this.

  • - Oh, excuse me, pardon me.

  • - I can't do this without drugs.

  • - Excuse me!

  • Excuse me!

  • - Here, take my seat.

  • - Oh you are too kind.

  • I'm Angela.

  • - I'm Leonard, Angela,

  • but everyone calls me MacBreath.

  • - MacBreath?

  • - In seventh grade, we played spin the bottle,

  • and it landed on Jen DiAngelo.

  • We kissed, and then she told me my breath

  • smelled like McDonald's cheeseburgers.

  • Then she got everyone to chant,

  • "MacBreath, MacBreath, MacBreath!"

  • I curse you, Jen DiAngelo!

  • I curse you with all the venom of my heart!

  • I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

  • (chair clatters)

  • - Well, I like cheeseburgers!

  • And I think the name MacBreath is cool!

  • - You do?

  • - Let me smell your breath, MacBreath.

  • - If you must.

  • (exhales deeply)

  • - Mm.

  • I'm loving it.

  • ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪

  • - Do we have anyone else reading for Hamlet?

  • - One more!

  • - Get on with it. - Thanks.

  • Okay before I start, this boomerang has like knife edges.

  • Back off, easy.

  • (Blake choking)

  • (Blake grunting)

  • (Blake screaming)

  • Back up!

  • All right?

  • I'm not from here!

  • I'm from a goddamn prison colony,

  • so unless you want a little bit of what he just got--

  • - I'm sorry, what scene are you doing?

  • - This is from "Crocodile Dundee IV: The New Class."

  • It's an original script.

  • - And are you even a student here?

  • - Not technically sir, no.

  • But, I will do anything to be a star.

  • - You are a very bad actor,

  • and we would never use you in a production.

  • ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪

  • - Hello, and welcome!

  • (all clapping)

  • I am the resident magician, Magic Blake,

  • and this is my beautiful assistant, Magic Karl.

  • We start off with a card trick.

  • You sir, what's your name?

  • Let me guess, Waymond.

  • How'd I know?

  • Go ahead and pick a card, Waymond.

  • Okay, what is the card?

  • Don't tell me.

  • Actually, don't you ever tell me, all right?

  • Put it back in the deck.

  • Anywhere in the deck.

  • Now, Magic Karl's gonna go to the other side of the stage,

  • and I'm gonna go to the other other side of the stage,

  • and visualize the card.

  • Oh now please, please make sure that my assistant,

  • Magic Karl, is placing that deck very, very far away.

  • Distract 'em, distract 'em.

  • Okay, so I'm just visualizing.

  • Nothing to see really over here,

  • it's just me thinking, visualizing, boring.

  • (crowd gasping) Okay.

  • And what did, okay, whoa!

  • Okay, whoa.

  • What are you doing, what are you do, what are you doing?

  • - I'm just doing what feels right.

  • - Okay, okay. - Okay?

  • - This is not right, please put your penis away, Karl.

  • - Fine, god, fine! - This is a family show.

  • - [Karl] There's no kids here, is there?

  • - Well, I'm just saying we need to have that option.

  • All right, stop.

  • And I visualized this.

  • Queen of hearts, what do you say, Waymond?

  • Is that your card?

  • No?

  • Okay, there had to be a mixup somewhere--

  • - Hiyah!

  • This is my show now, baby.

  • They wanna see my dick!

  • - Helicopter your wang!

  • - You got it, buddy.

  • That's what I wanna do!

  • - Stop, guys, next trick, Karl get in the box, please.

  • - No, you get in the box, man.

  • This is puppetry of the penis.

  • It's so hot right now, they love it!

  • - This is my show, Karl, please.

  • If you could just please get in the box.

  • - You get in the box! - Don't do that!

  • - Get in the box, man! - Come on, don't touch me!

  • Karl, stop!

  • Please, this is my show.

  • - Woo! - Please!

  • - Shh.

  • - [Blake] Stop encouraging him, please.

  • Where is he?

  • This is not part of the show, please.

  • Where are you, Karl?

  • (Blake screaming) (Karl laughing)

  • (audience cheering)

  • What was that?

  • (audience applauds)

  • - Okay, I'm done.

  • You can do your next trick now.

  • (Blake sobs)

  • And back to Magic Blake!

  • - I'm gonna kill you, you stupid idiot.

  • I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna kill you!

  • That's not magic.

  • - [Karl] I'm sorry, dude.

  • - I'll cut your freakin' dick off, then.

  • My eye itches.

  • - Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna take

  • a short five minute intermission.

  • - Why does it itch, is it bleeding?

  • Is it bleeding? - It's fine.

  • - Why did you do that?

  • ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪

  • - Hey, Karl, whoa, whoa, whoa.

  • Hey man.

  • I am so sorry about, you know, telling those guys

  • that you wanted to chop off your hog.

  • Kinda threw ya under the bus there.

  • Threw your dick under the bus.

  • - Dude, it's all good.

  • We're gonna make a movie.

  • - What are you gonna do with it

  • after you, ya know, slice it off?

  • - I don't know, man.

  • I mean, I guess I'll just barbecue it up

  • and feed it to my dogs.

  • - Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • But what if...

  • You know, let me know if this is too weird.

  • You know, hey Blake,

  • go back to daydream world with that idea.

  • - Blake!

  • You can have my dick.

  • - You're serious?

  • - I'm so serious.

  • (both laugh)

  • - I'm gonna get a new dick! - Yeah.

  • You're gonna get a new dick.

  • - [Blake] Oh, that one, I want it!

  • - It's yours, bro. - I want it now!

  • I wish I could have it now.

  • ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪

  • - [Anders] Whoa, check out this guy.

  • - I didn't do it, don't arrest me.

  • - Can I help you, occifer?

  • - It's my costume for the pole dancing class

  • I'm taking up at the rec center?

  • - That's a good way to meet babes.

  • - It's a good way to keep the body in shape,

  • and yes, I have met some friends who are ladies.

  • Cheryl, Penny, Laurie.

  • We're all gonna make homemade pizzas later.

  • - Sounds good.

  • So wait, everyone wears a cop outfit or what?

  • - Oh no, no, no, this is just

  • something fresh I'm bringing to the table.

  • Thinkin' I might change the game though,

  • after they see this little routine.

  • Check it out, buckle up.

  • Freeze!

  • I'mma need you to spread 'em.

  • - I like it so far. - Yeah.

  • (rock music)

  • - Oh! - Hello!

  • (both yell)

  • - Wait a second, where'd I put my?

  • Oh there it is.

  • Eyes down here, fellas.

  • Eyes down here.

  • - Seriously dude, you got a pretty good dick.

  • ♪ S-S-Star c-come alive ♪

  • ♪ This beat like this to make me smile ♪

  • - Oh, got me.

  • Oh, oh yeah.

  • No, you don't need to--

  • - All right.

  • - [Adam] Oh yeah, I don't know what that's all about.

  • - Officer, you're under arrest!

  • - [Anders] Hey, whoa, this is the chessboard!

  • Wait, we're in the middle of a game!

  • ♪ Put your hands up ♪

  • - My teacher says if you don't sweat in your crack,

  • you're not doing it right.

  • ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪

  • - Hey oh, cat in the dog house.

  • Check it out!

  • - Wow, what's that big dumb stupid thing?

  • - Yeah. - Mommy made a cat tower.

  • - Yeah, and we decided that this is officially

  • Denny's home, so you'll be seeing a lot more of me.

  • Where are the keys?

  • - I don't know how to feel about that,

  • but beer for my buddy.

  • - Thanks, dude.

  • - Hit that there.

  • - Pipe it up with my amigos.

  • - Oh wow, does Daddy think it's a good idea

  • to smoke in front of Denny's?

  • - Uh yeah, actually, you know what?

  • I'm good off that.

  • - For real?

  • - Yeah, I've gotta pass on grass tonight.

  • - We are gonna go out though, right?

  • - Right?

  • - Right.

  • You don't care, right?

  • - Oh me?

  • No, go have fun with Uncy Adam and Uncy Ders.

  • - Uncy Adam, Uncy Ders, I like that.

  • All right!

  • - Boys night!

  • (Adam meowing)

  • - Bye, cat!

  • - All right, bye sweetie, okay?

  • Sweet dreams, you have fun with Mommy, all right?

  • - Be good. - Hey.

  • - Look at this.

  • Oh my, that dirty dog. - What?

  • - Then I pull out her little can of cat food,

  • and she makes this face at me, ah!

  • (women swooning)

  • Yeah, I know, and I'm like, did I rescue her

  • or did she rescue me, you know?

  • - Oh, yes. - That's so philosophical.

  • - She has the sweetest little face.

  • - Doesn't she?

  • - That goofy tongue isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen.

  • - Okay, okay, watch out.

  • - Talkin' 'bout that cat.

  • - I'm about to aggressively kiss a girl by surprise.

  • - Wait no no, hang on, hang on.

  • - I'm in love. - That's adorable.

  • - Hey, well if you guys wanna meet that darn cat,

  • why don't you just come back to our place?

  • We're his roommates.

  • - Really?

  • - Yeah, yeah, yeah, heck yeah.

  • Sure, we could probably wake her up and say hi.

  • Sure, yeah. - Yeah.

  • (Adam squealing)

  • - Welcome to my house.

  • - Hey, look at the time.

  • It's already wine 30.

  • - Ha, wine 30.

  • - You guys are just about, I'd say eight minutes away

  • from drinking the smoothest 2014 brose mangria you ever had.

  • Here we go.

  • - Oh, look at it go!

  • - Where's that cat?

  • I'm not dying to meet it or anything.

  • - Can we wake her up?

  • - It's a miracle you haven't already.

  • - Jillian, hey Mommy.

  • - Don't you hey Mommy me, Daddy.

  • Barging in here with these whores,

  • like the beginning of some crude stag film!

  • Just 10 feet away from where your cat sleeps!

  • - Okay. - Oh hey, hey.

  • We heard all about Denny's,

  • and we just wanted to meet her.

  • - Oh, did ya?

  • Did ya hear about Denny's?

  • Do you have any cats?

  • No, no I didn't think so.

  • Because if you did, you wouldn't be dressed like sluts,

  • and following home strange men to pound mangria.

  • Blake, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?

  • - Mm-hmm, yup.

  • - We're not strange.

  • - Yeah, we're very not strange.

  • - By the way, we are just minutes away

  • from the mangria, ladies.

  • - Yeah, so you know, we didn't wake her up,

  • and I didn't think--

  • - Yeah, that's right Blake.

  • You didn't think.

  • Denny's was left for dead in a dumpster,

  • and you didn't think that maybe you shouldn't abandon her

  • on the first night of being her daddy?

  • - Hey, I mean I just figured, you know,

  • you're such a good mommy--

  • - Don't you patronize me!

  • - Okay, how would I patronize you

  • when I don't even know what that means, okay?

  • What do you want from me?

  • - I want you to be a good daddy,

  • not some whore-mongering night owl!

  • - Hey, all right?

  • At least those whores

  • aren't crazy.

  • - Oh, oh that's right, because I'm crazy, right?

  • - Oh yeah!

  • - Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm crazy.

  • You know what, I'll show you crazy.

  • Oh, yeah!

  • No, no, no, throw 'em all over the place, Jillian,

  • you freakin' psycho!

  • Don't you throw the nice plastic plates!

  • - Denny's, because she needs one!

  • - These were from Anders' birthday, okay?

  • No, let me help ya!

  • Let me help ya!

  • Just throw 'em all over the place,

  • 'cause I work at a goddamn dead end job!

  • I got the shortest straw, didn't I, when I got you?

  • You're throwing plates!

  • (Denny's meows)

  • - She's awake now, Denny's! - Oh come on!

  • - Denny's! - Oh come on!

  • So, last night.

  • I was drunk, I said some things, it was stupid.

  • I didn't mean it, all right?

  • - I don't hate you, Blake. - Okay.

  • - I don't want Denny's to hate you,

  • which is why I think we should do a joint custody.

  • I get her on the weekdays, you get the weekends.

  • - Yes! - Great.

  • - But actually, it's Friday,

  • so that's kinda technically the start of the weekend, so.

  • - I didn't think about that. - Yeah.

  • - Here's her stuff.

  • These are her toys. - Yeah.

  • - And this is her catnip.

  • - I know, I know.

  • - Carry it around at all times.

  • - Yeah.

  • - Oh, and she only eats

  • off of a Frisbee, it's the craziest--

  • - Yeah, I know!

  • Okay, I know, I know she eats off a Frisbee, yes.

  • I know my--

  • - Everything okay here?

  • - Yeah, yeah.

  • - Everything's cool, Bill, thanks.

  • She's with Daddy now, and I know how to take care of her.

  • - Bye, Daddy.

- [Anders] I got a skateboarding celebrity

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