AND WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT'S THE DAY BEFORE THE DAY WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR,

BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE LAST SHOW WE'LL DO DURING THE PRESIDENCY

OF HE WHO SHALL REMAIN SHAMELESS.

NOW, WE COULD TELL IMMEDIATELY THAT ENDURING THIS

ADMINISTRATION WAS GOING TO BE A CHALLENGE.

THIS IS WHAT I SAID IN MY FIRST MONOLOGUE AFTER HIS ELECTION:

FOUR YEARS?

FOUR YEARS?

WE HAVE FOUR VERY INTERESTING YEARS IN FRONT OF US.

I MIGHT HAVE UNDERSOLD THAT JUST A SMIDGE.

IT HAS BEEN INTERESTING, IN THE SAME WAY RIDING IN A CAR GOING

OVER A CLIFF IS THOUGHT-PROVOKING.

BUT TOMORROW, LIKE A MIRACLE, HE WILL DISAPPEAR.

SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF HIS LOWLIGHTS INCLUDE STARTING HIS

PRESIDENCY BY DECRYING AMERICAN CARNAGE.

HIS MUSLIM TRAVEL BAN.

VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.

BONDING WITH PUTIN IN HELSINKI.

BONDING WITH KIM JONG-UN IN SINGAPORE.

BONDING WITH THE MY PILLOW GUY EVERYWHERE ELSE.

WANTING TO TRADE PUERTO RICO FOR GREENLAND.

TALKING ABOUT NUKING HURRICANES OR CHANGING THEIR PATH WITH A

SHARPIE.

CALLING THE 26 WOMEN ACCUSING HIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT LIARS.

WISHING AN ACCUSED SEX TRAFFICKER WELL.

CAGING ASYLUM-SEEKING CHILDREN THAT HE TORE FROM THEIR PARENTS.

GETTING IMPEACHED FOR TRYING TO BLACKMAIL UKRAINE TO INTERFERE

IN OUR ELECTION.

COMPLETELY SHANKING A PANDEMIC.

TEAR-GASSING PEACEFUL PROTESTERS.

HOLDING A BIBLE DUMB.

UNDERMINING FAITH IN OUR DEMOCRACY.

INCITING AN ANGRY MOB TO MURDER HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT.

AND RUINING "Y.M.C.A."

♪ ♪ ♪ WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY HARD FOR THAT

LIST.

WE WERE JUST LIKE, IT'S ONLY AN HOUR SHOW.

BUT THE WEIRDEST THING OF THE LAST FOUR YEARS-- IT WAS YEAR

ONE, RIGHT-- WAS WHEN HE WAS AT THE NATIONAL

BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE AND TOLD A STORY ABOUT A RICH GUY HE KNEW

WHO HAD A YACHT, AND SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED

LIKE A SEX PARTY ON A BOAT.

IT REALLY SUMMED UP THIS LAST FOUR YEARS: YOU DIDN'T KNOW

EXACTLY KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING OR WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT

IT MADE YOU REALLY FEEL DIRTY AND YOU YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD FOR

CHILDREN.

I WOULD BE LYING JUST LIKE HE DOES, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE

"WASHINGTON POST" PINOCCHIO LIE TRACKER, SINCE ASSUMING OFFICE,

THE PRESIDENT HAS MADE 30,534 FALSE OR MISLEADING STATEMENTS.

IN THE END, PINOCCHIO THREW HIMSELF INTO A WOODCHIPPER.

>> I'M FREE!

>> Stephen: IN THE END, THE TAKEAWAY FROM THIS PRESIDENCY

IS TAKE HIM AWAY.

WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN COUNTING DOWN TO THIS DAY

FOR FOUR LONG YEARS.

LITERALLY COUNTING.

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED WHEN WE WERE IN THE THEATER THERE WAS A

NUMBER IN THE BACK OF THE DOME.

THAT WAS THE NUMBER OF DAYS UNTIL THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S

TERM.

AND WE COUNTED IT DOWN EVERY NIGHT FOR FOUR LONG PAINFUL

YEARS.

AND TONIGHT, THE NUMBER ON THE DOME HAS COUNTED DOWN TO ONE.

♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK

♪ NO MORE, NO MORE NO MORE, NO MORE ♪

♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK

♪ WHAT YOU SAY ♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK

AND DON'T YOU COME BACK >> Stephen: HIT THE ROAD,

JACK.

COME ON JACK.

THERE'S A ROAD, HIT IT.

( LAUGHTER ) THROUGHOUT ALL THE CRAZINESS AND

THREATS TO EVERYTHING WE HOLD SACRED, THERE WAS ONE HERO WHO

KEPT OUR COUNTRY TOGETHER: AND THAT'S YOU, THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE.

FOR ALL HIS DANGEROUS ASSAULTS ON DEMOCRACY, DEMOCRACY KICKED

HIS ASS ALL THE WAY BACK TO FLORIDA.

AND IN THIS CASE, I, FOR ONE, WILL NEVER BE SICK OF WINNING.

SO, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES.

COUNT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THIS YEAR STOPPING HOMEGROWN AMERICAN

FASCISM AND HITTING 10,000 STEPS JUST WALKING BETWEEN YOUR FRIDGE

AND YOUR COUCH.■ç YOU, YOU, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

YOU HELD YOUR GROUND.

YOU NEVER WARMED UP TO THE GUY.

EVEN WHEN HE WON, HE LOST THE POPULAR VOTE.

AND ACCORDING TO GALLUP, HIS AVERAGE APPROVAL RATING WAS 41%,

"FOUR POINTS LOWER THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT."

HE'S SO UNPOPULAR, THIS IS HOW HE'LL BE REMEMBERED IN THE HALL

OF PRESIDENTS: >> WHAT A SCHMUCK I WAS.

WHAT A SCHMUCK.Ñi ( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: NOW, IF IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M MAKING A BIG DEAL

ABOUT HIM LEAVING, IT'S NOT NEARLY AS BIG A DEAL AS HE WANTS

TO MAKE ABOUT IT.

THE PRESIDENT WANTS A BIG MILITARY SEND-OFF AT ANDREWS AIR

FORCE BASE, WITH A RED CARPET AND A 21-GUN SALUTE.

AND THIS TIME, THE GUNS AREN'T AIMED AT MIKE PENCE.

BUT IT'S BEEN A CHALLENGE GETTING A BIG ENOUGH CROWD TO

SATISFY THE PRESIDENT, IN PART BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE

INVITATION, "ALL GUESTS MUST ARRIVE BETWEEN 6:00 A.M. AND

7:15 A.M."

A PARTY AT 6:00 A.M.?

AWESOME!

FOR THE LEAST-POPULAR MAN ON EARTH?

SWEET!

HEY, TELL YOU WHAT, THROW IN A KARAOKE MACHINE THAT ONLY PLAYS

"ICE ICE BABY," AND I AM IN!

NOW, REPORTEDLY, THE WHITE HOUSE IS SO DESPERATE TO HAVE PEOPLE

ATTEND THIS PITY PARTY, THAT IT INVITED ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI TO

THE EVENT.

SCARAMUCCI?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THE MOOCH IS CLEARLY A SEASON-ONE CHARACTER.

THAT'S LIKE IF THE "HAPPY DAYS" REUNION WAS KICKED OFF BY

RICHIE'S BROTHER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

RICHIE HAD AN OLDER BROTHER WHO WHO PLAYED BASKETBALL, WAS VERY

TALL, AND DISAPPEARED WITH NO SCPLAWNGZ.

I WOULD CHECK POTSIE'S CRAWL SPACE.

THE EMAIL INVITE ALSO TOLD GUESTS THEY CAN BRING AS MANY AS

FIVE PLUS-ONES TO TRUMP'S ELABORATE EXIT CEREMONY.

MAN, THAT IS THIRSTY.

"HEY, UH, PLEASE COME TO MY IMPROV SHOW.

I'LL GET YOU TWO-FOR-ONE COUPONS THAT'S GOOD FOR FIVE

PEOPLE.

AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE PEOPLE.

THEY CAN BE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS, OR MANNEQUINS, OR DOGS, OR

BROOMS WITH GOOGLY EYES.

PLEASE, MY PARENTS ARE COMING!" NOW, AFTER THE PRESIDENT LEAVES,

THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HOSE OUT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,

AN UNDERTAKING CARRIED OUT BY THE 90-PERSON WHITE HOUSE

RESIDENCE STAFF IN ABOUT FIVE HOURS.

COME ON, THAT'S A BIG HOUSE, AND THEY ONLY HAVE FIVE HOURS TO

CLEAN IT?

THAT'S INSANE.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST AN HOUR TO PULL ERIC'S HEAD OUT OF

THE BANISTER.

( AS ERIC ) "HELP, HELP, I'M IN HEAD-JAIL!

TELL DAD TO PARDON MY HEAD!" SOME NIGHTS I HAVE TOO MUCH

SALIVA FOR ERIC.

"IT WON'T STAY UP!

I'M NOT GOING TO MISS HIM!" WITH EVERY DAY THAT PASSES...

( LAUGHTER ) WE LEARN MORE ABOUT THE MAGA

MILITIA THAT ATTACKED THE CAPITOL.

BUT NOW WE'RE ALSO LEARNING ABOUT THEIR ARRESTS.

SO, IT'S TIME FOR MY HOPEFULLY 10,000-PART SEGMENT,

"SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUND-UP."

SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS IN ON IT.

SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS INTO IT.

THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TO THE COW.

FIRST UP IN THE LASSO OF JUSTICE IS LOCAL TRAITOR AND WOMAN

REALIZING SHE SHOULD TOUCH UP THOSE ROOTS TO LOOK HER BEST IN

JAIL, JENNA RYAN.

WHEN SHE'S NOT BREAKING INTO THE CAPITOL, RYAN IS A REAL ESTATE

BROKER FROM FRISCO, TEXAS.

AH, THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE RIOT SMELLED LIKE FRESH-BAKED

COOKIES.

MAKES IT SEEM HOMEY.

THE FEDS DIDN'T HAVE TO DIG TOO DEEP TO FIND OUT WHO SHE WAS,

BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT SHE LVE-STREAMED DURING THE ATTACK:

>> HERE WE GO.

Y'ALL KNOW WHO TO HIRE FOR YOUR REALTOR.

JENNA RYAN, YOUR REALTOR.

>> Stephen: KIND OF A WEIRD PLACE TO PROMOTE YOUR BUSINESS.

YOU NEVER HEARD A CONFEDERATE GENERAL SHOUTING:

( SOUTHERN ACCENT ) "THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN

AGAINST NORTHERN AGGRESSORS!

BUT WHAT SHAN'T RISE ARE MY SUPER-LOW PRICES ON HARDTACK AND

BUCKLES!

STONEWALL'S GENERAL STORE, WE VALIDATE HORSE PARKING!

CHARGE!" RYAN CONTINUED TO

SCREAM-VERTIZE.

>> YOU GUYS, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

I AM NOT MESSING AROUND.

WHEN I COME TO SELL YOUR HOUSE, THIS IS WHAT I WILL DO.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: WHAT?

BREAK WINDOWS AND TILL IT WITH WHITE SUPREMACISTS.

"AND YOU CAN TURN THIS INTO AN ACCENT WALL WITH JUST A CAN OF

PEPPER SPRAY.

I BROUGHT SOME COLOR SWATCHES!

OOH, I LIKE EYEBALL VOLCANO.

UHM, SINUS MELTDOWN!" NOW, WE CAN'T SOLELY BLAME THE

PRESIDENT FOR INCITING THIS STUPID, STUPID, WOMAN, BECAUSE,

APPARENTLY, SHE ALSO LISTENS TO OTHER SOURCES.

>> NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT.

THERE'S ALSO-- I FOLLOW EVERYTHING THAT RUDY GIULIANI

SAYS.

>> Stephen: FINDING OUT THE WOMAN IN CHARGE OF THE CONTRACTS

FOR YOUR HOME IS TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY GIULIANI IS LIKE

FINDING OUT YOUR DENTIST IS TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY

GIULIANI.■ç "ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH A

RED WINE RINSE, AND WHAT DO YOU SAY WE REPLACE YOUR LOWER ROW OF

TEETH WITH FEED CORN AND CIGARETTE BUTTS."

ELSEWHERE IN THE ROUND-UP ROUND-UP, AUTHORITIES HAVE

ARRESTED MARYLAND WHITE SUPREMACIST AND MAN WHO MADE THE

WRONG CHOICE BETWEEN MUSTACHE AND BEARD, BRYAN BETANCUR.

BASED ON A TIP, THE SUSPECT WAS IDENTIFIED IN A SOCIAL MEDIA

POST.■ç BUT IT ALSO HELPED THAT ON

JANUARY 6, HE WAS OUT ON PAROLE FOR A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CRIME

AND WEARING A G.P.S. ANKLE MONITOR THAT PLACED HIM AT THE

RIOT.

CLEARLY, NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, WHICH IS TOO BAD,

BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE USED THAT TOOL TO CUT OFF THAT ANKLE

MONITOR.

THE FEDS HAVE ALSO ARRESTED TEXAS GUY, GUY REFFITT, WHO YOU

MIGHT REMEMBER FROM BEING PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE CAPITOL STEPS.

BUT HE STOOD HIS GROUND.

IT REMINDS ME OF PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS WORDS, "GIVE ME LIBERTY

OR-- AAARGH!

NOT IN THE EYES!

GAAAH!" REFFITT WAS TRACKED DOWN BY THE

F.B.I. AFTER FOOTAGE OF HIM WAS SEEN ONLINE.

AND IT'S A GOOD THING THE F.B.I.

TRACKED HIM DOWN, BECAUSE BEFORE HIS ARREST, HE WARNED HIS

CHILDREN, "IF YOU TURN ME IN, YOU'RE A TRAITOR.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO TRAITORS, TRAITORS GET SHOT."

SOMETIMES.

BUT SOMETIMES, THEY JUST GET PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE STEPS OF

THE CAPITOL.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

STAR OF "OUR FRIEND" JASON SEGEL IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

JOIN US, WON'T YOU.

♪ ♪ ♪