I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

I hope you're all staying warm.

I got a nice toast.

A cup of coffee.

Here.

You guys need anything?

Can I get you guys anything?

You wanna bring the dessert tray around or anything?

Guys, you're good.

All right.

Thanks so much.

I'm just gonna drop this right here.

You know, whenever you're ready.

No rush.

Okay.

I'm here all night now, folks, like all of you, I'm deeply worried about the disease sweeping this country.

Fascism and covert.

But one play at a time, please.

The house did their part to inoculate democracy yesterday when they impeached the president.

I'll tell you all about what happens next in tonight's edition of Don and the Giant Impeach to go fast.

Were furious.

I'm a racist.

What a schmuck.

I waas I'm stuck.

Okay.

How long does he How long does he stay up there?

I don't know.

Does this go on indefinitely?

If I don't talk, Okay.

After he incited, I assumed he would leave after he incited the assault on our nation's capital.

It only took a week for the house to impeach the President.

Nancy Pelosi explained the rush.

He must go.

He is a clear and present danger to the nation that we all love all love, Nancy.

It's a nice sentiment, but I think in Ted Cruz's case, he doesn't so much love.

The country has stock it from behind a tree in the front yard.

Yes, the most powerful man on earth is mentally unstable.

Ah, habitual liar, prone to fits of rage and has assembled a private army.

Ah, violent followers who will do anything he commands every moment he stays in office, puts lives at risk.

So right after the vote, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced there wouldn't be a trial until after January 20th.

That's where the Democrats messed up.

If they really wanted to get rid of him instead of impeaching the president, they should have just nominated him for the Supreme Court.

McConnell would have had him in a black robe the next day.

Now there's a lot that's still up in the air about how the Senate is gonna handle this, such as, How long will the trial be, when it will be held and how it will be structured?

We're leaving a madman in office because of logistics.

Look, the Senate.

There's about 10,000 unemployed wedding planners in this country right now.

I'm sure they'd be happy to put their skills to good use.

We could have this guy impeached by Friday with photographs off the whole family, amazing centerpieces, a cocktail hour with passed hors d'oeuvres and a band that can play uptown funk whether you want them to or not going to get you.

McConnell's inaction will almost certainly allow the president to serve out his final days in office.

It's a scary thought, but letting the president serve out his last six days means one final infrastructure week.

I can't wait until the president unveils all those bridges and tunnels he's built in secret.

Plus, I gotta imagine this is the week he reveals his plan for health care.

I've heard it's a beautiful plan much, much better than Obamacare and cheaper to everyone's gonna love it, especially people with pre existing conditions.

Six days ought to be enough, right?

We're signing a health care plan within two weeks.

So close.

Better luck next time, by which I mean please don't let there be a next time are getting impeached for a second time, seems to have gotten his attention, along with the news that once he leaves office, he could be arrested and charged with inciting a riot, among other things.

So last night he went on the Internet and tried to assure the nation that he was a man of peace, and he did not assure us.

I cannot emphasize that there must be no violence, no law breaking and no vandalism of any kind.

Yes, he cannot emphasize that there would be no violence because he'd like to see a little violence.

It's been just over a week since the violent insurrectionists attacked the capital, but the danger is far from over.

Today, federal law enforcement warned that domestic extremists are likely more emboldened to carry out attacks on Joe Biden's inaugural and throughout, 2021 got Oh, 2021 was supposed to be the year things got better.

Come on, terrorists.

In a couple of months you could be hugging your grandma's and going toe water parks.

I'm telling you, that is way more fun than being hog tied in the cell.

Next to Joker Tsarnaev's 2021 supposed to be the year of the sea shanty.

They're fun whaling songs.

The fascist threat is growing.

According to the FBI, online chatter about more violent demonstrations is off the charts right now.

That's right.

The threats air chart topping You can experience all the hits at home with Now.

That's what I call the foul harvest of America's racist past.

Volume 244.

Because of these violent anti American numbnuts, this year's inauguration is less Democratic.

Celebration and MAWR.

Military occupation.

When Biden takes the oath, will be guarded by more than 20,000 National Guard members.

Holy technical pants.

Now, if you have trouble telling your writers and camo from the good guys in camo, the National Guard would be the ones without the Confederate flags.

I hope a presidential inauguration is supposed to be a moment for Americans to witness a peaceful of transfer of power.

Instead, thanks to the president and his bloodthirsty goons, the National Mall will be closed on Inauguration Day.

Is there any chance this was all just a long con to make sure somebody else had a smaller inaugural crowd than his?

The lock down extends all the way to the top because after decades of being known as the senator who rides the train to the capital, President elect Joe Biden will no longer take the Amtrak to Washington next week to be sworn in.

However, to make up for it, Justice Roberts will be wearing a conductor's hat and under the phrase next stop, POTUS Junction.

All aboard, Todo.

It's no surprise that people in the president's inner circle are attempting to distance themselves from the poisonous POTUS, including political power pair Jared and Ivanka.

Seen here after being summoned by a haunted music box.

The president is apparently angry at Ivanka and Jared over their plan to attend President elect Joe Biden's inauguration.

The president is angry with Ivanka, probably not that serious.

It's just he wishes they were lovers quarrel.

But the president's anger worked because soon after his hissy fit, Ivanka changed her tune and is now not expected to attend.

Why was she going to attend?

Well, there's a chance that Jarve, a NCA, might have been trying to get an invite to an exclusive country club in their new neighborhood because they recently became owners of one of only 29 residences located on Indian Creek island but haven't yet joined the country club there because many members are objecting, particularly after the events of the capital.

You know you've crossed the line when even the billionaire country club turns you away.

We have to draw the line somewhere.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a tee time with some fine fellows I met on Jeffrey Epstein's plane.

We're gonna hunt my new caddy with crossbows.

Four.

How about some unity?

While Jared and Ivanka might be on the outs with the president, there are still a few family members willing to go down with the ship because Eric and Don Jr are now some of the only people who are willing to talk to him.

Dad, it's gonna be just you and me, and we're gonna be together forever.

People that tell you about my friends.

Second dad, he's a war harder from where you going down on this Islamic stat?

For those of you who think you couldn't dislike Jared Novak a more, we have an important update.

Apparently, Secret Service assigned to Jared Ivanka were forced to find alternative toilets after they were instructed not to use any of the half dozen bathrooms inside the couple's house at the family's request.

Although I do understand the Kushner's toilets might be very busy right now, with Jared Ivanka flushing their social lives and political futures down them now.

For a while, agents went down the street to a bathroom in a garage at Barack and Michelle Obama's house that was generous of them.

But the former president's detail banned them after a Secret Service supervisor from the Kushner detail left an unpleasant mess in the Obama's bathroom.

You messed up Barack Obama's bathroom.

Come on, the man is retired.

He is literally too old for the After the restroom privileges were revoked at the Obama's.

The agents assigned to Jared Ivanka began driving a mile away to use the restroom at Mike Pence's home.

Or, as they code named it.

I am dropping a number two at number twos, But Secret Service needed a more permanent place to answer nature's call.

So since September 2017, the federal government has been spending $3000 a month more than $100,000 to date to rent a basement studio with a bathroom from a neighbor of the Kushner family.

AH, $100,000.

That is some expensive crap which I got to say is really on brand for Ivanka now.

I was not a fan of this couple before, but it seems particularly do she off Jared, Ivanka not let Secret Service in their bathrooms.

I'm just saying thes airmen and women who literally would take a bullet for you.

The least you could do is let them take a leak.

One guy who's definitely not gonna be hanging out with the president much when this is over is lawyer and man reading the Google results for Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy Giuliani.

After POTUS lost the election, Rudy crisscross the country, pinching out his arguments in court in a desperate effort to overturn the legal results of the election, which ended with one win and 64 losses, one in 64 record known as the Knicks, I am told by those who follow such things.

But now I'm mostly into the sea shanties thes days.

But now this one doesn't want me to talk about sea shanties.

What are you trying?

Why are you trying to get me off?

Just because you weren't on the sea shanty train When I was I was way ahead of you on the whole sea shanty thing.

And now everyone knows the 2021 is the year of the sea shanty.

And you're like, I don't think so.

Come on, Grandpa, get in the boat.

We're rolling out to the slope and we're going after the sperm whales.

What, do you do it?

Do you know how many buttons you can't?

You can't do anything at this point.

Just read.

Just read.

Wow.

Yeah, my apologies to everybody.

But now I know it's hard to believe the president has turned on Rudy and refuses to pay him for his legal work.

Sucks for Giuliani.

Now he's gonna have to make money on the side bottling Uncle Rudy's original skull syrup.

The president is so serious about not paying his attorney that he has said he must personally approve any reimbursements for the expenses Giuliani incurred while traveling on his behalf.

Traveling expenses?

Well, there's no way the president is gonna pay for Rudy's gas when he was already giving it away for free, though I could understand, wanted to take a closer look at Rudy's expenses, given that so far he submitted receipts for Delta business class brand plastic bottle vodka uber x l T shirt that I slept in behind the racetrack and pay per view porn.

Oops, all cousins way Got a great show for you tonight.

My guest is Bernie Sanders.

Stick around.

There Once was a ship called the belly ot the name.