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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, guys, today,

  • President Trump visited a town in Texas

  • to mark the completion

  • of the more than 400 miles of border wall.

  • When they heard Trump was coming to the border,

  • Mexico was like, "Whew! Thank God that wall is here."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, what a time to celebrate the effectiveness of a wall --

  • six days after this happened.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know your presidency is off the rails

  • when you have to distract from your attempted coup

  • with your giant symbol of racism.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this was interesting -- when asked what he was doing there,

  • Trump said, "I'm just planning my escape.

  • That seems like a good route."

  • Meanwhile, the wall only covers 20% of the U.S.-Mexico border.

  • 20%.

  • Let me ask you a question.

  • If you ordered a pizza and only got 1 1/2 slices,

  • would you have a good Yelp review of there?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump visited the border in the town of Alamo, Texas.

  • He was like, "Thanks to me, everyone will remember Alamo."

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • In the end, Trump didn't finish building the wall,

  • and Mexico never paid for it,

  • but other than that, pretty good.

  • Pretty good.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] You guys having fun?

  • You guys having a good time? [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Great.

  • [ Applause ]

  • While Trump was at the border,

  • he engaged in one of his favorite traditions

  • and signed a section of the wall.

  • Watch this.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump was like, "Okay, wall, you're now officially pardoned."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Right now, writing on his border wall

  • is the only place where Trump's allowed to post.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • So that's two crimes he's committed in the past week --

  • incitement of a riot and graffiti.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Times are tough for Trump right now.

  • After he defaced the wall,

  • he was sent to live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Before leaving to go visit the wall,

  • Trump spoke to reporters

  • and was asked about the riot at the Capitol.

  • And listen to this.

  • [ Engine rumbling ]

  • -So if you read my speech -- and many people have done it --

  • it's been analyzed, and people thought that

  • what I said was totally appropriate.

  • -I just got to quote Seinfeld and say,

  • "Who are these people?! Who are these people?!"

  • "They're the people of the..."

  • "Who are these people?!" [ Laughter ]

  • By the way, that wasn't a jet engine in the background --

  • that was 300 million Americans sighing at the same time.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And this is big -- last night, Trump and Vice President Pence

  • met in person inside the Oval Office,

  • marking the first time they had spoken since last week's riot.

  • Things quickly got off to an awkward start when Trump said,

  • "So, I think someone owes me an apology."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, we've all been in Pence's shoes, though.

  • You know what I mean?

  • That uncomfortable meeting with your boss

  • after he sent a crazed mob of vengeful rioters to zip-tie you.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • But Trump tried to make nice.

  • He even gave Pence

  • a "Sorry I almost got you killed" meat and cheese platter

  • from Harry & David.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I never saw that in that bill -- pamphlet I got there.

  • Well, speaking of the Vice President,

  • earlier tonight, the House voted on a resolution

  • urging Pence to invoke the 25th Amendment.

  • It's a tough choice for Pence --

  • invoke the 25th and have MAGA Nation hate you,

  • or refuse and still have MAGA Nation hate you.

  • You could tell Pence was nervous

  • 'cause he spent all day slamming milks

  • like it was Friday at 5:00 p.m.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, Mike Pence is being called on to invoke the 25th Amendment,

  • and Trump is not happy.

  • But I'm not sure Trump understands

  • what the 25th Amendment actually does.

  • To be honest, I'm not sure if he knows what most amendments do.

  • For example -- -Oh, here we go.

  • -Tariq, what's up? -Let me guess --

  • you're gonna make fun of Trump

  • for not knowing what any of the amendments mean.

  • -I mean, yeah, that was -- that was the plan.

  • -And each joke, it'll pop up, like, as a graphic,

  • so that everyone can see it and laugh about it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Right. Right. I do -- I do comedy.

  • -I know exactly how this will go down.

  • So, the top of the screen will say the name of the amendment,

  • like the First Amendment,

  • and then under that, you'll say what Trump thinks it means,

  • like he thinks the First Amendment is...

  • [ Laughter ] Or -- Or you'll show

  • the Fifth Amendment,

  • and Trump knows that one as...

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah.

  • -And then -- then you do, like,

  • the Seventh Amendment or something.

  • And Trump -- he thinks that one is...

  • -Ohh! [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Yeah. Yeah.

  • -And then you'll finish it off with the 25th Amendment,

  • which Trump thinks is...

  • -Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • -Is -- Is -- Is that how it's going to go?

  • -Uh, yeah. You nailed it. [ Chuckles ]

  • -Seems like a fun bit. You should do it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • -Great, we'll do it tomorrow.

  • -Looking forward to it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Well, lots of people

  • are distancing themselves from the President,

  • including New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

  • Last night, he said

  • he won't accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Trump.

  • Yep. It was a hard decision for the coach.

  • I heard he bought a new hooded, sleeveless tuxedo

  • for the occasion.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some good news -- yesterday, Governor Cuomo vowed

  • that New York will legalize recreational marijuana.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Great job.

  • New Yorkers have spent almost a year with nothing to do

  • but sit at home and watch Netflix.

  • Now you legalize weed?

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • "Who are these people?!"

  • I think New York is ready for legal weed.

  • Just look at the Statue of Liberty.

  • Our most famous symbol is green, wearing a bathrobe,

  • and holding up a lighter.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some entertainment news --

  • during last night's episode of "The Bachelor,"

  • the women played a game called "Capture the Heart."

  • And one contestant, Victoria,

  • had an interesting way of describing the other team.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Whoo!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Gestures?

  • "And, Matt, he's like a K-night of the Round Table."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Later in the episode, there was some drama

  • between Victoria and another contestant.

  • And Victoria tried to say that they don't mix well,

  • like oil and water,