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  • we don't really do much for instructional.

  • Then I will just say I'm gonna welcome my friend Pete Holmes to the show.

  • AP.

  • That's it.

  • That's it.

  • Okay, great.

  • I am welcomed.

  • I feel welcome.

  • It's so nice to see you.

  • I miss you, man.

  • I really dio a lot of work.

  • Goes into a short late night stand upset.

  • Join me, J.

  • P.

  • Buck.

  • As I spotlight the comedians who came up with some of my favorite coin sets, this'd is the set up.

  • Please.

  • Welcome to very funny Pete Holmes.

  • E had been submitting sets.

  • I really wanted to be on Conan by the time I was 30.

  • It was It was one of the very few, um, specific.

  • Like, actual goals.

  • I had certain goals, but they were all sort of like rainbows.

  • They were vague and I don't know some magical feeling in the future, but I was like, I want to do Conan by the time I'm 30 and I based that on almost nothing.

  • And I was 31.

  • I used to joke that I blamed my divorce because that's sort of like eight a year of my life.

  • It sort of slowed me down, but I was right.

  • I was right on time.

  • When I was trying to get on Letterman, you'd send them a five minute tape and then they'd be like, We like it.

  • Except maybe this joke.

  • Then you'd send them another.

  • It would take another month to get a five minute tape that you liked with that joke removed in this one in where I'm like, if you just sent a longer tape, you could be like, Yeah, okay.

  • You want a different 30 seconds.

  • Here you go.

  • But that's not even what got it for me is then you happen to be at the improv on Melrose And I was doing I was going on last, and I was so happy that you were there because this is what everybody thinks.

  • Show business is like the Booker for Conan will be in the crowd.

  • And you were there and we had been exchanging tapes and stuff and you watched me and I did the Google bit.

  • And then this is such good timing.

  • It's like you liked the Google bet and you wanted to premier it on Conan, which was like the best news ever.

  • And I had already taped it for the John Oliver Show, which is what Conan plugs in the intro.

  • So I'm like, Isn't it funny?

  • We're plugging the show that features the bit that's breaking on this show to beat that show.

  • I was like, Any time if you're pitching a TV show or a set or any idea if there's anything that can put a clock on it, that could be like We need to do this before this.

  • It's always helpful, and I feel like that Grease the wheels.

  • It actually kind of works that I'm wearing this terrible shirt.

  • It's like a smoke for painting.

  • It's just like like nobody tells you what to wear.

  • Like I just kind of came in that shirt and it's it's too big.

  • And but that that helped, because when I say I'm not a cool guy, I don't know if you could tell by my overall vibe.

  • That's the first joke.

  • I don't think they would have laughed if I hadn't done something sort of fumbling bumbling up top, and that actually included how I looked like if I was wearing a suit or something and I said, I don't know if you could tell I'm not a cool guy.

  • If I looked like Mulaney or something, you'd be like, No, you seem like a pretty cool guy like you're sharp and well dressed.

  • So even the the outfit was sort of telling the first joke.

  • E think it was Seinfeld or maybe Chris Rock that talked about you always waved, waved to the host and wave to the band.

  • And they were like, That's the quickest way to look like a professional.

  • Yeah, that was exciting.

  • Uh, how's it going, everybody?

  • It came out and I just wanted them to laugh at me, smiling, standing there.

  • And when they didn't, I'm sort of like, How are you?

  • I'm trying to establish up top, which, of course, you do live.

  • But it's even more important, I think, for TV sets, it's like I'm you're watching me, but I'm watching you.

  • I don't want to feel like I'm showering on stage and you're watching me.

  • I wanna be like I say this to crowds.

  • I go, you're you're evaluating me.

  • I'm evaluating you like I'm going to talk to other people about how you were.

  • Things is not, and that's and that's to get them sort of in a performative place.

  • I want to get this out of the way.

  • Right up top.

  • I'm not a cool person.

  • I don't know if you can tell already.

  • From my overall vibe, I don't know if this is gonna make sense, but I'm 31 years old.

  • I don't have any kids, but I'm already kind of like a fun dad.

  • Can you get that sense for me?

  • Just like the dorky dad at a barbecue?

  • Just like you fresca that guy singing hip hop Wrong to Children Just like I'll say, You can have whatever you need.

  • Yeah, Snacks on, Dad.

  • Potro no.

  • Put your own fun, Dad.

  • Like I don't have kids.

  • But if I did, I would be the kind of dad.

  • They're having a sleepover.

  • Keep barging in.

  • Embarrassing them with a tray of food.

  • Just like tuna melts.

  • Dance style.

  • That's extra me.

  • Oh, if you like it, then you should put some cheese on it.

  • If you get out here dab if you like it, then you shouldn't put your feet on it.

  • Seriously, Kyle, The ottoman is decorative.

  • So you didn't know you didn't know things bit at this point I believe in your career was longer.

  • Remember, there's a non smoking queen joke.

  • Yeah, no, it was longer.

  • The non smoking queen thing was when John Mulaney he and I were touring together on I was checking into a hotel and this is just really they said One of our rooms is a non smoking queen and I went, That's May, and that's when John said, You're like a fun dad.

  • And I said, This is what any comedian should say when another comedian makes fun of them.

  • Can I have that on?

  • It wasn't we re created it on crashing.

  • We had Jamie's character say to me, You're like, If I'm Dad because I wanted to show that that's where often jokes come from is instead of having your feelings hurt when another comedian, it's like if another commune makes fun of you, get out your note pad like this is how the world sees you.

  • This is probably how the audience doesn't know.

  • Maybe they see you, but when you say it, you go like Oh, right, that that's a great line.

  • Eso I have a night telephone, Have a night telephone trying to get into this.

  • Thank you real quick.

  • You was a hotline.

  • That was the hotline at the love I telephone is a silly little laugh the top.

  • But here this moment where you grab the mic, you actually requested a certain Mike.

  • I said like you have a handheld, you have wireless lav mic that your hands are free.

  • But you would said to me I want a wireless mic on a mic stand because I need to lean into this.

  • Yeah, you said it's the physical physicality of you.

  • Stepping forward on this bit was very important.

  • It's like grabbing a lever or something like it's this thing and I haven't touched it.

  • The whole set, No, for the most part, and it almost looks like a dance partner like you're taking it like you're gonna dip it and then it gives you this like it also feels like a weapon.

  • Now it's like I I'm armed.

  • I have this this, like spear, and there's, like, heavy based mace that I'm gonna like and the the energy my energy completely shifts.

  • And knowing that I could grab the sort of Merlin staff and go like, alright, motherfuckers, you listen to me because you sat through that silliness and you stayed with me.

  • I love you now, and my hope is to give you something that we can all enjoy.

  • But like I'm not around anymore, you know, I have Google on my phone.

  • I'm guessing a lot of you dio I've Google on my phone Now that's ruining our lives.

  • I don't know if you've noticed it's ruining life because we know everything.

  • But we're not a lick smarter for it.

  • We just know you don't know something.

  • Wait two seconds.

  • You will know having Google on your phone is like having a drunk.

  • No, it all in your pocket.

  • There's no time for mystery or wonder.

  • You're just like, how do they make glass And you know, But the time between not knowing and knowing is so brief that knowing feels exactly like not knowing.

  • So life is meaningless, Theo.

  • Craziest thing about this joke is that it was a fresh take.

  • Like when I say I have Google on my phone.

  • That was kind of a newer thing that meant like I have a fancy phone.

  • And on Lee, probably 33% of the crowd probably had a smartphone at that time.

  • So it was like breaking news.

  • Like I I especially when I first started telling the joke.

  • I have literally been in bed in the morning alone, just like, where's Tom Petty from?

  • Mm.

  • But I feel nothing because there was no time to not know.

  • Listen to me, there was a time, and I don't mean to get all Andy Rooney on you, but there was a time that if you didn't know where Tom Petty was from, you just didn't know on you felt that yearning and that deficit in your being and you'd go around and ask actual people like, Where's Tom Petty from?

  • I don't know.

  • I don't know.

  • I don't know.

  • And now I'm impregnated with wonder.

  • And then they go and ask people until one fateful day.

  • You see a girl wearing ah Heartbreakers T shirt.

  • You rush up to her and you're like, Hey, where's Tom Petty from?

  • And she tells you Florida and a wave of endorphins and pleasure and meaning would wash over you, and you felt something.

  • And that's how you met your wife.

  • Do you understand?

  • Your wedding song was refugee.

  • This'll was the first sort of joke that I was like, I will not forget how I feel about smartphones and Google because I care and and that's where the grabbing the mic and that's when I'm yelling.

  • But it's earned and and the pace picks up.

  • I'm watching one man struggle with his search for Tom Petty, which is so inconsequential because what you're gonna do this information.

  • But then, at the end of the office, look, that was That was a click moment for me was to try and tie it back to something human like It's not just that you want to know.

  • It's that the conversation leads to meeting someone because not knowing leads you to going up to a woman in a shirt so that that was like That's when I realized it was a bit, you know, you had a rant and then you were like, Oh, there's a moment where they'll they'll clap?

  • Because they'll know that it's over because you brought the beginning to the end.

  • Life is meaningless.

  • And before it used to be like this eso It's super super exciting.

  • Blank and Empty says this would be funnier if he wasn't wearing that shirt it is funnier because I'm wearing a terrible shirt.

  • Well, we can agree that it's a terrible shirt is yes, I think everyone that lands on the side of it's a terrible shirt.

  • It's now my bedspread.

  • I it's very soft.

  • This is from a radical Muslim.

  • I like the guy.

  • He makes great skits on Comedy Central, and he's a good actor, a good public speaker with a lot of important things to say.

  • But he's not that funny for the most part.