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  • -Welcome back. We are here with Jerry Seinfeld.

  • His new book, "Is This Anything?",

  • is available now.

  • Did I do you already?

  • -No, you just -- You're the only person

  • that says it the right way.

  • That's the way comedians say it.

  • -We're about to do something fun.

  • This is the "Seinfeld Challenge."

  • -♪ Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Seinfeld,

  • Challenge

  • -We asked our viewers to pick up your book

  • and record themselves doing their favorite Seinfeld routine.

  • Your book has stand-up, every bit that you've ever done

  • from the '70s until today.

  • There's a lot to choose from.

  • Tonight, we're gonna watch some of these submissions

  • and see how they did.

  • First up, we have Ashley Gutermuth

  • from Wrightstown, New Jersey.

  • She's doing your bit about talk-show hosts.

  • Let's take a look at this.

  • -How come talk-show hosts never have any idea

  • how much time they have?

  • They're always looking off-camera.

  • "Do we -- do we have time for this?

  • How we doing on time?

  • Are we out of time?

  • We're out of time."

  • It's your own show.

  • Why do you know nothing about how it works?

  • You never see Magnum, P.I., going,

  • "Are we gonna -- we gonna strangle this guy?

  • or are we gonna take a break?

  • I tell you what.

  • I'll bonk him on the head.

  • We'll take a quick break, come back.

  • I'll drive in the car real fast, okay?

  • Stay with us."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That was great. -That was great, right?

  • -That was really good. -That's funny.

  • -She seemed to have it memorized, too.

  • She got every word right. -And crushed it. Yeah.

  • -Do you know that bit? -Yes. I love that bit.

  • Was that -- Did you do that on "Letterman"?

  • -Many years ago, yeah, in the '80s.

  • "Magnum, P.I." gives it away. -Yep.

  • Alright, next up, we have Hans Hoefer

  • from Issaquah, Washington.

  • This is a classic bit. This is the McDonald's bit.

  • -Oh. Uh-huh. -Alright. Let's see.

  • -The McDonald's sign -- what is that up to now

  • Like 89 billion hamburgers?

  • 89 billion.

  • What an outrageous number.

  • I mean, I would really like to sit down with

  • the C.E.O. of McDonald's and say, "Look, we get it.

  • You've sold a lot of hamburgers.

  • 89 billion, quadrillion, cotillion hamburgers,

  • whatever that is."

  • Why not just put up a sign that says,

  • "McDonald's -- we're doing very well."

  • -I think he landed. I think he landed.

  • -The fun part of that bit is -- I want to bump into the --

  • I would love to meet the chairman of McDonald's

  • so I could go, "Look, we all get it."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah, you're right. -That's the fun part.

  • -That's the fun part, yeah. -That's the attitude.

  • -He had added props and he had kids' toys,

  • so I'll give him points for that one.

  • But this one -- Here's Magda Mihaila from France

  • trying your routine "Mad Cow."

  • -What I love about the mad cow disease is that,

  • of course, we try to blame it on the cows.

  • "It's not our fault. These cows are crazy."

  • They're nuts. They're out of their minds."

  • We show them sliding down the slippery ramps,

  • all out of control.

  • And the cows are probably like,

  • "Oh, sure, you're drinking me, eating me, wearing me,

  • sneaking up on me, and tipping me over,

  • and I'm the one who's off?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -In front of cows. -In front of cows.

  • That's the next level of comedy is,

  • you actually go to the premise.

  • -To the joke.

  • -Yeah, of the joke. Yeah, you're there.

  • -Oh, my gosh.

  • I have one more here to do -- Phew!

  • Here to do your bit about the post office.

  • -Oh. -Watch me. Watch this.

  • [ Clears throat ] -Oh. Oh!

  • -Yeah. Here we go.

  • -Okay.

  • -The post office always has this emotional, financial meltdown

  • every 3 to 5 years that their business model from 1630

  • isn't working anymore.

  • I can't understand how a 21st century information system

  • based on licking, walking, and a random number of pennies

  • is struggling to compete.

  • What is the reason?

  • Makes no sense.

  • Then they always push the Postmaster General

  • out on TV to explain their differences.

  • Always have to make a big speech.

  • He's all freaked out.

  • He has rings under his eyes, no shave, pulling all-nighters.

  • "We can't do it anymore!

  • We got to go up a penny on the stamps!

  • There's no way around it!

  • We're trying to get some breathing room!

  • The costs, the infrastructure!"

  • And we're all like, "Dude, dude, relax.

  • Raise it a penny.

  • We don't even know how much a stamp is anyway.

  • 44, 53, 62.

  • Make it a buck.

  • You're gonna get there.

  • And if it ends up you have some money left over,

  • buy yourself some pants and a real car."

  • ♪♪

  • -Yes!

  • -Alright.

  • Do you remember that bit? -That was excellent.

  • You brought the maturity of the years,

  • the greater -- the condescension that only comes with age.

  • -The new Jerry impression, you go,

  • "What is the --" You sound like that almost.

  • "The guy's going in-to-the-thing with the post...

  • No, the thing I don't get about that..."

  • And you do that.

  • Then you sprinkle in a, "No!"

  • If you want. If you want to.

  • That's when you're already riding the wave.

  • That's showing off.

  • That's when you hang ten and you do something --

  • you show off a little bit.

  • And "seen" is a good word to do you, by the way.

  • One-word impression.

  • "Seen." -Seen?

  • -Yeah, like, "Have you seen yourself?"

  • -Oh, right.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Have you seen..."

  • "Seen" is the one-word impression for the new Jerry.

  • -"Have you seen yourself?" is a hilarious line

  • that I do not have anywhere, but it's a perfect line for me.

  • "Have you seen yourself?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's it. I should write for you.

  • -Yeah.

  • -"Right. I understand. But have you seen yourself?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Have you seen yourself?" is the next bit.

  • I want to see it, please.

  • Alright, Jerry, unfortunate -- it's a tight race,

  • but there can only be one winner.

  • -Ashley Gutermuth is my winner.

  • -I agree. There you go. ♪♪

  • -She memorized the bit. -Ashley.

  • I totally agree, yep. -She performed it very well.

  • It's not even that funny, but she made it funny.

  • -We're gonna send her an autographed copy of your book...

  • -Oh, fantastic.

  • -...and a little "Tonight Show" swag.

  • My thanks to everyone who participated in

  • the "Seinfeld Challenge."

  • And, of course, Jerry Seinfeld,

  • thank you so much for being here.

  • It's always the best time. I love you, buddy, and be safe.

  • -So good to see you. Love you, too.

  • Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

-Welcome back. We are here with Jerry Seinfeld.

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The Tonight Show Seinfeld Challenge

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/29
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