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Today I want to talk abut something serious,
if you don't mind.
I realize that Portia has a problem,
and I believe it's serious.
Portia is addicted to lotions.
She is a lotion hoarder
And, I don't know how it took me so long to notice this,
but she has bottles and bottles of lotion.
They are lined up on the counter
which I thought all they were.
But then under the sink,
there is baskets of lotion.
there are baskets of lotions.
She has lotions from cheap drug stores.
She has real fancy ones from the Marriott and the Holiday Inn
Lord knows what she is spending on that.
And, she has every kind of lotion that there is.
and there is a lot of lotions.
I don't know if you know this,
but there is a lotion for your face,
there's a lotion for your hands,
there's a lotion for your feet,
there's a lotion for your body.
Why? What would happen if you put lotion on your feet
instead of your hands.
Would your feet get confused, and start clapping?
How does it differ?
How does it know?
Oh, I'm supposed to be on the feet, not the hands.
And each kind says something special for your skin,
it has aloe, or shea butter, or coconut
or cocoa butter, or vanilla, lemon extract.
That's one ingredient short of a bundt cake.
So, a lot of different things in there.
And, don't get me wrong,
I like lotion.
I use moisturizers on my face,
I have to, it's my money maker.
And I have the hand lotion I use,
because when I shake my guest's hands,
I like to experience my suppleness of my hands.
But hand lotion can be tricky,
because you have to be smart about when you put it on.
If you put it on right before you work out,
you're gonna slip right off of that stripper pole.
It's hard to hang on.
You slide around and you're on the ground
it hard to get your legs up in the air.
You know ladies.
And, ya know, you have to know how much to put on, too.
You don't want to overdo it.
Because, uh, this morning,
Portia got stuck in the bathroom for an hour
trying to turn the door knob.
It's like.
And then I had to remind her that we have a door that slides.
But anyway,
She's pretty.
I love you.
Have you been around somebody who puts too much lotion on, and they want to give you the extra?
Uh, it feels more intimate than a sleepover.
They're all, they're like.
If I'm gonna let a stranger rub lotion on me,
there's gonna be candles, and music,
and mall shoppers around me.
I'm not.....
Well today's the first day of spring, and I have a spring cleaning challenge.
Everyone should get rid of all the lotions they don't use anymore.
And by everyone, I mean Portia.
At least combine,
like they have the half bottles.
Combine all the half bottles in one giant bottle of lotion,
that smells like a baby eating a cucumber, and orange grill.
That would be......
Alright, I'm done talking about lotion,
tune in tomorrow when I talk about Portia's expensive nail polish collection.
And now I should lather you all up with this dance.
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Memorable Monologue: Lotions

56469 Folder Collection
Colin Lin published on July 14, 2014    Colin Lin translated    林彥君 reviewed
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