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  • Today I want to talk about something serious, if you don't mind.

  • I realize that Portia has a problem, and I believe it's serious.

  • Portia is addicted to lotions.

  • She is a lotion hoarder.

  • And, I don't know how it took me so long to notice this, but she has bottles and bottles of lotion.

  • There are bottles...they are lined up on the counter which I thought that's all they were.

  • But then under the sink, there is baskets of lotions.

  • She has lotions from cheap drug stores.

  • She has real fancy ones from the Marriott and the Holiday Inn.

  • Lord knows what she is spending on that.

  • And, she has every kind of lotion that there is, and there is a lot of lotions.

  • I don't know if you know this, but there is a lotion for your face, there's a lotion for your hands, there's a lotion for your feet, there's a lotion for your body.

  • Why?

  • Why? What would happen if you put lotion on your feet instead of your hands.

  • Would your feet get confused, and start clapping?

  • What's does it differ? How does it know?

  • Oh, I'm supposed to be on the feet, not the hands.

  • And each kind says something special for your skin, it has aloe, or shea butter, or coconut or cocoa butter, or vanilla, lemon extract.

  • That's one ingredient short of a bundt cake.

  • So, a lot of different things in there.

  • And, don't get me wrong, I like lotion.

  • I use moisturizers on my face, I have to, it's my money maker.

  • And I have the hand lotion I use, because when I shake my guest's hands, I like to experience my suppleness of my hands.

  • But hand lotion can be tricky, because you have to be smart about when you put it on.

  • If you put it on right before you work out, you're gonna slip right off of that stripper pole.

  • It's hard to hang on.

  • You slide around and you're on the ground; it hard to get your legs up in the air.

  • You know ladies.

  • And, y'all know, you have to know how much to put on, too.

  • You don't want to overdo it.

  • Because, uh, this morning, Portia got stuck in the bathroom for an hour trying to turn the door knob.

  • It's like...

  • And then I had to remind her that we have a door that slides.

  • But anyway, She's pretty.

  • I love you.

  • Have you been around somebody who puts too much lotion on, and they want to give you the extra?

  • Uh, it feels more intimate than a sleepover.

  • They're all, they're like...

  • If I'm gonna let a stranger rub lotion on me, there's gonna be candles, and music, and mall shoppers around me.

  • I'm not...

  • Well today's the first day of spring, and I have a spring cleaning challenge.

  • Everyone should get rid of all the lotions they don't use anymore.

  • And by everyone, I mean Portia.

  • At least combine, like they have the half bottles.

  • Combine all the half bottles in one giant bottle of lotion, that smells like a baby eating a cucumber, and orange grill.

  • That would be...

  • Alright, I'm done talking about lotion, tune in tomorrow when I talk about Portia's expensive nail polish collection.

  • And now I should lather you all up with this dance.

Today I want to talk about something serious, if you don't mind.

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B2 US TheEllenShow lotion portia combine butter put

Memorable Monologue: Lotions

  • 20003 1033
    Colin Lin posted on 2020/09/24
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