WELCOME BACK!

LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND MR. JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON.

>> Jon: YOU GOTTA HAVE A VISION, A VISION, A REVELATION.

>> Stephen: I'M HAVING A VISION, A REVELATION FOR MONDAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GET TO DO MONDAY, JON?

>> OH, MY GOODNESS, I HEARD.

>> Stephen: I'M GOING DOWN TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO INTERVIEW

THIS MAN-- MR. BARACK OBAMA-- ABOUT HIS NEW BOOK "A PROMISE

LAND."

I GOT SO MANY DECISIONS O MAKE.

OBVIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU ASK HIM?

THAT'S A BIGGIE.

BUT WHAT DO I WEAR?

DO I WEAR A SUIT?

HE'S THE FORMER PRESIDENT.

DO I WEAR A SUIT?

EVY SAYS I WEAR A SUIT.

>> NO TIE.

>> Stephen: SUIT, NO TIE MARX SAYS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY.

>> Jon: I SAY SUIT, NO TIE, UNBUTTON THE TOP BUTTON.

CASUAL BUT FORMAL.

>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT NO SHIRT, GO HARRY STYLES.

>> Jon: THAT WOULD BE A GOOD THING TO DO.

>> Stephen: ANYWAY, VERY EXCITED.

WOULD LOVE TO KNOW ANY QUESTIONS YOU WANT ME TO ASK HIM.

PLEASE, HIT ME, UP, OKAY.

>> Jon: ASK HIM ABOUT THAT JUMPER FROM THE CORNER?

YOU SEE HIM SINK THAT 3?

>> Stephen: I WILL, I WILL.

>> Jon: HOW MANY TAKES.

>> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S WHY BIDEN WON.

I THINK THAT WAS IT.

>> Jon: OH, SHOT HEARD AROUND THE WORLD.

>> Stephen: IT WAS MAGIC.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC TO SET THE SCENE FOR REST OF THE SHOW, SIR?

>> Jon: LET'S SEE...

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU, JON.

>> Jon: YES, INDEED.

LAY IT ON.

>> FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME TRACKING THE

TEMPERATURE AND FLOWERING PATTERNS OF THE MAPLE TREE OF

TOPICAL STORIES SO THAT I CAN KNOW THE EXACT PEAK MOMENT TO

TAP IT WITH MY SPILE.

I CAREFULLY OBSERVE THE FLOW OF STORY SAP INTO THE BUCKET AND

THEN TRANSFER THE INITIAL RUN TO ANOTHER STORAGE UNIT USING

CHEESECLOTH TO FILTER OUT ANY FOREIGN MATERIAL.

I THEN DIG A SMALL OUTDOOR FIRE PIT AND BOIL THE STORIES UNTIL

THEY ARE GOLDEN IN COLOR, BRING THEM INSIDE FOR A SECOND BOIL,

WHICH I CAREFULLY MONITOR UNTIL IT REACHES 7 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT

PAST THE BOILING POINT OF WATER AT MY CURRENT ELEVATION.

THEN, THEN I REMOVE ANY SEDIMENT, FILTER IT ONE LAST

TIME, AND TRANSFER IT TO BLOWN GLASS BOTTLES TO CREATE THE

GRADE-A MAPLE NEWS SYRUP THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO JUST HEAD OUTSIDE WITH A FORK

AND SCRAPE SOME OF THE CRUSTED SAP OFF THE NEAREST PINE, MIX IT

WITH THE SODA AND BACKWASH LEFT IN A DENTED CAN OF FANTA ON THE

COUNTER, THEN DRIZZLE IT ON YESTERDAY'S PANCAKES TO CREATE

THE DRIFTER'S BREAKFAST TOPPING OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, AN ART

RESTORATION IN PALENCIA, SPAIN, HAS GONE TERRIBLY AWRY.

SEE THE LADY SMILING AT HER ANIMALS AND HARVEST FRUIT?

WELL, AFTER THE RESTORATION, SHE NOW LOOKS LIKE THIS:

WHAT'S SPANISH FOR "FRYING PAN FACE?"

IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SLAPPED A BUTTER SCULPTURE ON A HOT DAY.

THIS SEEMS TO BE A REAL PROBLEM IN SPAIN.

WE ALL REMEMBER THAT COUNTRY'S OTHER FAMOUSLY BOTCHED

RESTORATION JOB: POTATO JESUS.

WHAT EXACTLY IS THE VETTING PROCESS FOR ART RESTORERS IN

SPAIN?

"SORRY, ESTABAN, I'M AFRAID IT APPEARS YOU HAVE A MASTERS IN

FINE ART, BOTH YOUR HANDS AND EYES, AND YOU'VE SEEN THE

ORIGINAL PIECE.

THAT KIND OF THING MIGHT FLY IN FRANCE, BUT WE'VE DECIDED TO GO

WITH AN INSANE MACAQUE HOLDING A PAINTBRUSH IN ITS TAIL."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN BAD NEWS NEWS, MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE

TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19 ON A CRUISE SHIP IN THE CARIBBEAN.

THAT HEADLINE AGAIN: "THING EVERYONE KNEW WOULD HAPPEN,

HAPPENS."

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, VIDEO HAS GONE

VIRAL OF A HELICOPTER CARRYING A HEART FOR A TRANSPLANT PATIENT

THAT CRASHED ON THE ROOF OF AN L.A. HOSPITAL.

NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY HURT, AND THE HEART WAS RECOVERED FROM THE

WRECKAGE AND HANDED OFF TO THIS DOCTOR, OKAY, WHO TREATED IT

WITH THE CARE AND CAUTION IT DESERVES-- THERE'S THE HANDOFF.

HE TRIPPED LIKE A CARTOON WAITER, SPILLING THE HEART ON

THE HELIPAD.

CALM DOWN!

CALM DOWN!

EVERYONE'S FINE.

GOOD NEWS: THE TRANSPLANT WAS A SUCCESS--

>> IT WAS DIRTY.

>> Stephen: BUT IT WOULD BE FUN TO BE THAT PATIENT.

YOU'RE GETTING AHEAD OF MY PUNCH LINE.

( AS DOCTOR ) "YOUR PROCEDURE WENT GREAT,

THANKS TO YOUR CARDIOLOGIST, LARRY, AND HIS ATTENDINGS, MOE,

AND CURLY.

YOU MAY HAVE SOME DISCOMFORT IN YOUR CHEST, BUT THAT'S JUST THE

WET LEAVES AND HELICOPTER FUEL."

CAN'T ACTUALLY TALK.

YOU SAID ESSENTIALLY THE PUNCH LINE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE IT.

( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE WERE ALL EXCITED ABOUT THE NEWS OF

MODERNA'S NEW VACCINE.

AND IT TURNS OUT "DOLLY PARTON PARTLY FUNDED MODERNA'S COVID

VACCINE RESEARCH."

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE VACCINE ( TO TUNE OF "9 TO 5" )

♪ WORKING 95 PERCENT OF THE TIME.

JOKE IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE TWITTER WORLD IS A-TWATTING OVER THE

NEWS THAT "TWITTER JUST INTRODUCED 'FLEETS,' 'FLEETING

TWEETS' THAT DISAPPEAR FOREVER AFTER 24 HOURS," THE PERFECT

OPTION FOR USERS WHO FEEL REMORSE ABOUT SOMETHING THEY

POSTED."

JUST WHAT TWITTER NEEDS: PEOPLE SAYING THINGS TOO AWFUL TO

REMAIN ON TWITTER.

NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT ENTHUSED ABOUT THE IDEA OF FLEETS, DON'T

WORRY, BECAUSE TWITTER SAYS ITS MAIN "GLOBAL TOWN SQUARE"

SERVICE REMAINS ITS MARQUEE PRODUCT.

REALLY?

I GOT TO SAY, TWITTER MAKES FOR A PRETTY CRAPPY TOWN SQUARE.

"HEAR YE!

HEAR YE!

( BELL RINGING ) TOASTER STRUDELS ARE BETTER THAN

POP TARTS.

AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS A LIBERAL CUCK.

AND NOW, ENJOY A PICTURE OF MY BUTT."

( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS DAMN LOUD.

YOU CAN TALK ANY TIME YOU WANT DURING THIS.

I APOLOGIZE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, CBS NEW YORK JUST BROKE THIS STORY RIGHT HERE

IN THE BIG APPLE.

>> ANOTHER ILLEGAL GATHERING IS BUSTED IN NEW YORK CITY.

THIS TIME, INVESTIGATORS SAY A SO-CALLED FIGHT CLUB WAS

OPERATING INSIDE OF A CROWDED BRONX WAREHOUSE.

>> Stephen: WELL, IT MAKES SENSE THAT THIS GOT OUT.

IT'S JUST LIKE TYLER DURDEN SAYS:

>> THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS:

TELL CBS NEWS ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BUT THE FIGHTING

ISN'T EVEN WHAT WILL SHOCK YOU MOST ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON AT

FIGHT CLUB.

>> INVESTIGATORS SAY THEY FOUND TWO HANDGUNS, DRUGS, AND

UNLICENSED ALCOHOL.

THEY ALSO SAY VERY FEW PEOPLE WERE WEARING MASKS.

>> Stephen: PLEASE, EVERYONE.

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, WEAR A MASK WHILE YOU SMASH YOUR FELLOW

MAN'S FACE INTO A PULPY MUSH.

IT'S JUST COURTESY.

ALSO, NO BRINGING NANA TO FIGHT CLUB.

SHE'S IN A VULNERABLE GROUP.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, I'D LIKE TO MOVE ON TO MY ULTRA-RARE

QUARANTINE-WHILE SUBSEGMENT: "NAUGHTY POPE NEWS."

( LAUGHTER ) TODAY'S NAUGHTY POPE NEWS: IT

APPEARS THE POPE JUST LIKED THIS PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM.

NOW, PEOPLE HAVE POINTED OUT THAT THE POPE DOES NOT

NECESSARILY CONTROL HIS OWN INSTAGRAM FEED, BUT FRANCIS

STILL OFFERED THIS COMPELLING EXPLANATION:

>> (translated): MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

REGARDING MY RECENT INSTAGRAM INCIDENT, I WANT TO ASSURE YOU

THAT I LIKE BIG BUTTS, AND I CANNOT LIE.

YOU OTHER BROTHERS-- BY WHICH I MEAN MONKS-- CAN'T DENY, WHEN A

GIRL WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY-BITTY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR

FACE, YOU MUST EXAMINE YOUR CONSCIENCE.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A LOOK AT THE VICE

PRESIDENT-ELECT'S FASHION.

SORT OF.