WELCOME BACK.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON.

>> Jon: OH, HELLO, HELLO!

>> Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FRIEND!

>> Jon: HELLO, YES, SEE THAT, MAN.

YOU SEE, TIME IS MOVING ON, AND I'M JUST TRYING TO BE PRESENT.

CAT'S GOT TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE MOMENT WHEN

IT'S HAPPENING.

YOU SEE?

>> Stephen: ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD BIRTHDAY?

IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE MOMENT RIGHT NOW?

>> Jon: YES, THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

I ALWAYS LOVE THAT MY BIRTHDAY IS ON VETERANS DAY, CELEBRATE

THE VETERANS, AND I HAVE VETERANS IN MY FAMILY.

AND I ALSO WANTED TO JUST SEND LOVE OUT TO EVERYBODY IN THIS

TIME.

YOU KNOW, WHEN TENSION IS COMING TO ME ON MY BIRTHDAY I'M SENDING

THE LOVE RIGHT BACK.

LOUIS ARMSTRONG USED TO GIVE GIFTS TO PEOPLE ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.

>> Jon: I LOVE THAT KIND OF STUFF.

>> Stephen: HOBBITS DO THAT IN "LORD OF THE RINGS."

THEY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PRESENTS ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS.

>> Jon: I LIKE THAT A LOT.

>> Stephen: I WANT TO SAY THIS ABOUT THE VETERANS, TOO, WE WANT

TO SEND LOVE OUT TO ALL THE VETERANS OUT THERE, ESPECIALLY

RIGHT NOW, AND ESPECIALLY THOSE COMING BACK FROM SERVICE

OVERSEAS, BECAUSE IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO BE ABLE TO

SEE THEIR FAMILIES, ESPECIALLY AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, BUT RIGHT

NOW, THEY CAN'T BECAUSE OF THE COVID QUARANTINE AND THE

INABILITY TO TRAVEL FREELY IN THE UNITED STATES.

SO IF YOU KNOW A VETERAN OUT THERE, ESPECIALLY SOMEBODY WHO

HAS JUST COME BACK, SEND THEM A LOT OF LOVE THESE HOLIDAYS.

BECAUSE THIS ISOLATION THAT EVERYBODY IS FEELING RIGHT NOW,

THEY'VE MADE THAT SACRIFICE FOR US FOR YEARS SO THAT WE COULD BE

SAFE OVER HERE.

GOT ANYTHING FOR THE VETERANS THERE, JON.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOOD.

THE VETERANS, THIS IS MY RHAPSODY FOR THE VETERANS.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, JON.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

FOLKS, WE ARE STILL IN THE MIDST OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, WITH A

WHITE-KNUCKLED GRIP ON OUR REPUBLIC, SO IT'S THE PERFECT

TIME TO REMEMBER WHAT'S TRULY IMPORTANT: BUYING THINGS.

AND WHO BETTER TO GUIDE US THAN LIFESTYLE GURU AND GROWN-UP

HANSEN BROTHER, GWYNETH PALTROW.

♪ CUZ IT'S THE MOST GOOP-IFUL TIME OF THE YEAR! ♪

IT'S THE RELEASE OF THE GOOP HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE.

AND THIS YEAR'S OFFERINGS DO NOT DISA-GOOP.

LIKE THIS $1,995 ACRYLIC OUIJA BOARD.

"OOH, SOMETHING'S COMING SOMETHING'S COMING THROUGH.

IT SAYS "YOU...

ARE...

A...

SUCKER."

GOOP ALSO HAS A NUMBER OF FOOD-THEMED GIFTS ON OFFER THIS

YEAR, LIKE THIS $240 GERMAN OAT FLAKER.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE FLAKING YOUR OATS LIKE SOME FILTHY

SWEDE.

HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT, MEIN HERR!

AND YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "STEPHEN, DON'T ALL OATS COME

PRE-FLAKED?" TO WHICH I SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU

GO ENJOY YOUR PICKLED HERRING, YA DAMN SWEDE."

THAT'S NOT ALL.

GOOP-ETH IS ALSO RECOMMENDING A $210 BED LAMP MADE OF BREAD.

JUST REMEMBER: DON'T FILL UP ON LAMP, OR YOU WON'T HAVE ROOM FOR

YOUR...

TABLE?

TO BE CLEAR, THIS THING IS REALLY BREAD.

THE GOOP LISTS THE INGREDIENTS AS BREAD FLOUR, CAKE FLOUR,

SALT, YEAST, L.E.D. LIGHTS, AND POWER CORD WITH DIMMER SWITCH.

SO IT WON'T WORK FOR ALL DIETS.

"OH, SORRY, I'M KETO.

DO YOU HAVE A MEAT LAMP?

JOE ROGAN SAYS ONLY EAT LAMPS THAT CAVEMEN USED."

IF YOU'RE MORE OF AN ANALOG FOOD FAN, MIGHT GOOP INTEREST YOU IN

THIS TSUKEEA KABAN WATERMELON BAG.

ALSO HANDY FOR CARRYING THE GIGANTIC BALLS YOU HAVE TO BE

SWINGING TO OWN A BAG EXCLUSIVELY FOR WATERMELONS.

HOW MUCH WILL THIS MELON SATCHEL SET YOU BACK, YOU ASK?

WELL, KEEP ASKING, BECAUSE THE PRICE IS ONLY AVAILABLE UPON

REQUEST.

SO IT'S REALLY TWO TREATS IN ONE: YOU GET THE WATERMELON BAG

AND YOU GET TO ASK, "EXCUSE ME, HOW MUCH FOR THAT WATERMELON

BAG?" AND WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES,

THE PEOPLE'S TRIBUNAL CAN JUST POP YOUR SEVERED HEAD IN THERE.

AND FOR ANY SOON-TO-BE MOMS OUT THERE, THERE'S THE STILIYANA

MINKOVSKA CUSTOM BIRTH SILL FOR $7,500.

PERFECT FOR ALL THOSE EXPECTANT MOTHERS WHO WOKE UP THINKING, "I

LIKE BEING PREGNANT, BUT I WISH IT WAS MORE EXPENSIVE."

NOW, YOU MAY BE THINKING "HEY GWYNETH, IT'S A PANDEMIC, GOOP

THE ROOM."

AND YOU'D BE RIGHT.

THIS IS AN OUT-OF-TOUCH CASH GRAB THAT EXPLOITS PEOPLE'S

DESPERATE NEED FOR COMFORT DURING THIS TRYING TIME,

AND DADDY WANT IN.

IT'S TIME FOR MY OWN HIGH-END LIFESTYLE BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY.

SHABBY ELEGANCE.

GIVE ME MONEY.

COVETTON HOUSE.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME,

FRIENDS, TO COVETTON HOUSE WHERE WE BELIEVE "PANDEMIC" IS

JUST AN ANAGRAM FOR "DIM PECAN," WHICH IS WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO

BE TO WANT TO BUY OUR STUFF.

HERE AT COVETTON HOUSE, WE KNOW THAT FOR MANY AMERICANS, THIS

HOLIDAY SEASON LOOKS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

COVID-19 HAS CREATED MONEY WORRIES, SUCH AS, "I'M WORRIED

NO ONE'S GONNA COME TAKE MY MONEY!"

WELL, WE'RE HERE TO HELP.

HUNGRY?

LOOK NO FURTHER THAN COVETTON'S $920 BREAD MADE OF LAMP.

JUST THROW SOME HAM AND CHEESE BETWEEN TWO DELICIOUS,

SHARD-FILLED SLICES, AND YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A HIGH-FIBER

UPSCALE BOWEL PERFORATION.

GOOD NEWS FOR ALL YOU HEALTH NUTS: OUR BREAD IS MADE OF ALL-

NATURAL POWER CORDS, DIMMER SWITCHES, CERAMIC BASES,

SHATTERED BULBS, AND LOOSE TUNGSTEN WIRE FILAMENTS.

BUT GLUTEN FREE.

NOW, IF YOU LIKE FORTUNE TELLING THAT COSTS A FORTUNE, THEN

YOU'LL LOVE OUR $6,800 DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED MAGIC-8 BALL

LOADED WITH EVERY RESPONSE YOU COULD POSSIBLY NEED, LIKE "YES,

YOUR CHAUFFEUR IS STEALING FROM YOU" AND "YES, DEFINITELY,

RODRIGO, YOUR SCUBA INSTRUCTOR/ BODYGUARD-TURNED-FIANCE SHOULD

SIGN A PRENUP."

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A STYLISH WAY TO CARRY YOUR PRODUCE, LOOK

NO FURTHER THAN THE COVETTON HOUSE BLUEBERRY BRIEFCASE.

IT'S THE MOST STYLISH WAY TO SAY, "I DON'T EAT VERY MUCH."

HOW MUCH FOR THE BLUEBERRY BRIEFCASE?

IT'S A SURPRISE!

BECAUSE THE PRICE IS ONLY AVAILABLE AFTER YOU PAY.

BUT HERE'S A HINT: IT COSTS MORE THAN THE GRAPEFRUIT DUFFEL, BUT

LESS THAN THE CANTALOUPE BJORN.

AND FOR ANYONE WHO JUST GAVE BIRTH ON A $7,500 BIRTHING SILL,

COVETTON HAS YOU COVERED FOR YOUR POSTPARTUM NEEDS WITH OUR

$20,000 MAHOGANY PUMPING TABLE.

SIMPLY LAY FACE-DOWN ON THE SMOOTH COMFORT OF THIS RICH,

STIFF HONDURAN MAHOGANY, LINE YOUR BREASTS UP WITH THE

STERLING SILVER PAILS, AND LET GRAVITY DO ITS THING.

I THINK.

NOT SURE HOW ALL THE LADY STUFF WORKS.

AND REMEMBER: COVETTON'S PRODUCTS COME WITH THE EXACT

SAME GUARANTEE AS THOSE FROM GOOP: IN A PINCH, YOU CAN PUT

ALL OF THEM IN YOUR VAGINA.

IT BALANCES YOUR KUNDALINI, OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW.

AGAIN, IT'S ALL-- IT'S ALL A MESS UPON

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STARS OF "THE CROWN," OLIVIA COLMAN

AND GILLIAN ANDERSON.