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  • EVERYBODY READY TO DO IT?

  • BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT TO TALK ABOUT ON

  • THIS TSUNAMI OF A NEWS DAY!

  • SEEMED LIKE EVERY MINUTE THERE WAS A NEW DEVELOPMENT WITH

  • MASSIVE IMPLICATIONS FOR OUR UNCERTAIN FUTURE.

  • CASE IN POINT: I WENT TO cnn.com FIRST THING THIS MORNING AND

  • SAW THE BANNER HEADLINE WAS, "IT'S FRIDAY BEFORE ELECTION

  • DAY."

  • BOOM!

  • BOMBSHELL!

  • THAT STORY'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

  • CAN WE FACT-CHECK THAT?

  • IS THAT TRUE?

  • YES, I'M BEING TOLD IT IS FRIDAY.

  • THEY ARE CORRECT!

  • THANK YOU, CNN-- AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR DAYS OF

  • THE WEEK.

  • OF COURSE, IT BEING FRIDAY IS NOT THE REAL BIG STORY.

  • THE REAL BIG STORY, FRESH OFF THE STEAMING-HOT PRESSES: COSTCO

  • IS PULLING PRODUCTS FROM ITS SHELVES THAT ARE ALLEGEDLY MADE

  • WITH FORCED MONKEY LABOR.

  • FORCED MONKEY LABOR?

  • THAT'S TERRIBLE.

  • MONKEYS SHOULD NEVER BE USED AS FORCED LABOR, UNLESS YOU HAVE

  • 1,000 MONKEYS, GIVE THEM TYPEWRITERS, LET 'EM TYPE FOR A

  • MILLION YEARS.

  • THEY WILL EVENTUALLY WRITE TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT BACK TO THE NON-UNIONIZED MONKEY LABOR: THE PRODUCT IN

  • QUESTION IS CHAOKOH BRAND COCONUT MILK, WHICH ALLEGEDLY IS

  • MADE WITH THE HELP OF CHAINED-UP MONKEYS, WHO PICK AROUND 400

  • COCONUTS A DAY AND ARE THEN STUFFED IN THEIR CAGES UNTIL

  • THEIR NEXT SHIFT.

  • SOMEWHERE, JEFF BEZOS JUST SAID, "HOW OFTEN DO THESE MONKEYS ASK

  • FOR BATHROOM BREAKS?

  • OH, THE FLOOR IS THEIR BATHROOM?

  • INTERESTING.

  • INTERESTING.

  • WOULD THESE MONKEYS BE WILLING TO RELOCATE TO QUEENS?"

  • NOW-- THAT'S MY BEZOS, BY THE WAY.

  • THAT'S MY BEZOS.

  • NOW, ON ITS SURFACE, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SUREFIRE MONEY SAVER.

  • BUT I'M SURE A MONKEY WORKFORCE HAS ITS CHALLENGES.

  • IN FACT, WE HAVE FOOTAGE-- DO WE HAVE THIS?

  • WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF A RECENT UPRISING, WHERE THE MONKEYS

  • STARTED ROLLING COCONUTS AT THEIR MANAGER.

  • ( VIDEO GAME NOISES) >> Stephen: MANAGER'S FINE.

  • HE HAS THREE EXTRA LIVES.

  • NOW, CHAOKOH DENIES USING MONKEY LABOR TO PRODUCE ITS COCONUT

  • MILK, EVEN COMMISSIONING A REPORT ENTITLED THE "MONKEY-FREE

  • COCONUT DUE-DILIGENCE ASSESSMENT" -- WHICH, OF COURSE,

  • IS ALSO THE NAME OF MY FAVORITE '60s PSYCHEDELIC BAND.

  • I WANT TO REITERATE MY POSITION THAT EXPLOITING MONKEYS IS

  • ABUSE.

  • IT'S WRONG.

  • IT'S NEVER ACCEPTABLE.

  • EVEN WHEN IT'S FUNNY, LIKE DRESSING THEM AS ASTRONAUTS,

  • TEAMING THEM UP WITH CLINT EASTWOOD TO FIGHT CRIME, OR

  • WASHING A CAT.

  • BUT I WILL SAY, IF YOU DO NEED TO WASH YOUR CAT, YOU'RE NOT

  • GOING TO DO BETTER THAN A MONKEY FOR GETTING IN THE NOOKS AND

  • THE CRANNIES.

  • BUT AS ELVIS PRESLEY ONCE SAID, "TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS."

  • IT'S TIME NOW TO TURN TO THE STORY THAT HAS SET THE

  • PUNDIT-SPHERE A-BUZZ.

  • IN NEW YORK, A MAN WAS WAITING FOR THE BUS WHEN A HOLE SUDDENLY

  • OPENED ON THE SIDEWALK, AND HE DROPPED 15 FEET INTO AN

  • UNDERGROUND VAULT TEEMING WITH RATS.

  • OKAY, LET ME SEE.

  • LET ME SEE ( CLEARS THROAT )

  • YEP, THERE IT IS ON MY 2020 BINGO CARD: 15-FOOT RAT HOLE.

  • RIGHT NEXT TO "HUGS KILL GRANDMA NOW."

  • ALSO ON HERE, Q-TIP UP MY NOSE EVERY DAY.

  • BY THE WAY, WHO CAN FORGET WHEN "15-FOOT RAT HOLE" OPENED FOR

  • "MONKEY-FREE COCONUT DUE- DILIGENCE ASSESSMENT" AT FILMORE

  • EAST?

  • NOW-- LONG WALK, BUT WORTH IT.

  • NOW, DON'T WORRY, THE MAN'S OKAY, THANKS TO THE MANY, MANY

  • BUT THERE'S FOOTAGE OF THE INCIDENT.

  • THERE HE IS.

  • AND, BOOM-TOWN RATS!

  • AND HE'S GONE.

  • OF COURSE, IT WAS MORE WHIMSICAL IN SHEL SILVERSTEIN'S BOOK,

  • "WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS-- OH, DEAR GOD!

  • IT'S FULL OF RATS, HELP ME!" NOW, FOR ALL OF YOU NOT FROM NEW

  • YORK, THIS IS VERY COMMON.

  • THERE ARE MASSIVE RAT PITS ALL OVER THE CITY, WHERE THE RATS

  • JUST COLLECT AND THE PRESSURE BUILDS UP, EVENTUALLY ERUPTING

  • IN A RAT GEYSER.

  • WE CALL IT "OL' RATFUL."

  • AND YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING, STEPHEN, "FALLING INTO A 15-FOOT

  • HOLE FULL OF RATS SOUNDS LIKE A NIGHTMARE."

  • WELL, LIZ, YOU'RE WRONG.

  • IT'S MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.

  • HERE'S THE VICTIM'S BROTHER: >> IT WAS SO BAD.

  • HE DIDN'T WANT TO YELL, BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID IT WAS GONNA BE

  • RATS, YOU KNOW, WENT INSIDE HIS MOUTH AND STUFF.

  • >> Stephen: AWFUL, YES, BUT ANOTHER TIMELY REMINDER ABOUT

  • HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO WEAR A MASK.

  • ANYWAY, ALL I WANT TO SAY IS COMPARED TO THE GNAWING ANXIETY

  • OF THE NEXT FOUR DAYS, 15-FOOT RAT HOLE SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD--

  • ESPECIALLY IF THOSE RATS DON'T HAVE WiFi.

  • PLUS, RAT PITS: STILL LESS OF A DISEASE VECTOR THAN ATTENDING A

  • TRUMP RALLY.

  • NOW, IN ADDITION TO COCONUT MONKEY SLAVES AND NEW YORK RAT

  • GEYSERS, THE CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO SURGE.

  • I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF:

  • "CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • >> I'M GONNA DISAPPEAR ANY MINUTE NOW!

  • HEH!

  • HEH!

  • >> Stephen: GET OUT!

  • GET OUT!

  • JIMMY!

  • GET OUT!

  • YESTERDAY, THE U.S.

  • SURPASSED NINE MILLION TOTAL INFECTIONS-- ANOTHER SAD

  • MILESTONE TO ADD TO THE 2020 LIST, ALONGSIDE MOST SOURDOUGH

  • EATEN AND LONGEST DURATION BETWEEN SHOWERS.

  • IT'S ALL RECORDED IN "THE GRIMMEST BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS."

  • YESTERDAY, THE U.S. ALSO REPORTED 90,000 NEW DAILY CASES,

  • THE EQUIVALENT OF MORE THAN ONE PER SECOND.

  • ONE VIRAL EXPERT EXPLAINED HOW FAST THAT IS:

  • >> COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,

  • COVID, COVID.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S PRETTY DEPRESSING, BUT RECENTLY, ONE

  • DOCTOR WITH THE OREGON HEALTH AUTHORITY CELEBRATED HALLOWEEN

  • BY PUTTING A HAPPY FACE ON THE PANDEMIC.

  • >> AS OF TODAY, THERE HAVE BEEN 38,160 CASES OF COVID-19 IN

  • OREGON, WITH 390 NEW CASES BEING REPORTED TODAY.

  • SADLY, WE ARE ALSO REPORTING THREE DEATHS TODAY.

  • >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS, PENNYWISE.

  • YOU ARE NOW AMERICA'S SECOND CREEPIEST CLOWN.

  • BUT SOME PEOPLE SAY THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, AS DON

  • JUNIOR EXPLAINED ON THE FOX NEWS.

  • >> I WENT THROUGH THE C.D.C.

  • DATA.

  • BECAUSE I KEPT HEARING ABOUT NEW INFECTIONS, BUT I WAS LIKE,

  • WELL, WHY AREN'T THEY TALKING ABOUT DEATHS?

  • OH, OH, BECAUSE THE NUMBER IS ALMOST NOTHING.

  • >> Stephen: IF YOU'RE CURIOUS ABOUT HOW MUCH DON JUNIOR THINKS

  • IS "ALMOST NOTHING," YESTERDAY, 1,004 AMERICANS DIED FROM

  • CORONAVIRUS.

  • I WOULDN'T ASK DON JUNIOR TO GIVE A EULOGY.

  • ( AS DON JR. ) "WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY FOR

  • ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON.

  • I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU ALL CRYING ABOUT?

  • YOUR GRANDPA WAS JUST ONE GUY.

  • IT'S ALMOST NOTHING."

  • ARE YOU SINGLE?

  • WHAT!

  • HE JUNIORED ON: >> WE'VE GOTTEN CONTROL OF THIS

  • THING.

  • WE UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS.

  • THEY HAVE THE THERAPEUTICS TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS.

  • IF YOU LOOK AT THAT, LOOK AT MY INSTAGRAM.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S LOOK AT HIS INSTAGRAM.

  • >> HEY, GUYS.

  • HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL.

  • JUST WATCHING MY ALGORITHMS GET CRUSHED.

  • >> Stephen: FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS, "INSTANT GRAM" MIGHT BE

  • THE NAME OF DON JUNIOR'S COCAINE DELIVERY SERVICE.

  • BECAUSE IT SURE SEEMS LIKE HE'S CRUSHING MORE THAN HIS

  • ALGORITHM.

  • BOTH CANDIDATES WERE ON THE ROAD TODAY.

  • BIDEN TRAVELED TO MINNESOTA, WISCONSIN, AND IOWA, WHILE TRUMP

  • CAMPAIGNED IN MICHIGAN, MINNESOTA, AND WISCONSIN.

  • TRUMP'S HITTING AMERICA'S HEARTLAND, HOPING THEY'LL FORGET

  • WHAT HE'S DONE TO AMERICA'S LUNG-LAND.

  • SO FAR, THE POLLS HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR BIDEN, AND NOT JUST IN THE

  • BLUE STATES.

  • HE'S CURRENTLY SLIGHTLY AHEAD IN GEORGIA, AND TEXAS IS A TOSSUP!

  • TEXAS-- A STATE SO CONSERVATIVE, THEIR LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR IS AN