Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M THE STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • THE 2020 ELECTION IS LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY.

  • I'M SO EXCITED THAT I'M NOT GETTING ANY OF THE SLEEP I

  • NORMALLY DON'T GET.

  • TOMORROW IS THE SECOND AND FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, FOR WHICH

  • WE WILL BE LIVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RIGHT THERE.

  • TUNE IN TO FIND OUT WHICH TERRIBLE GROUP TRUMP WON'T

  • CONDEMN THIS TIME.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "PEOPLE WHO DON'T TOSS IN FOR

  • PIZZA BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT ANY BUT THEN HAVE A

  • SLICE WHEN IT COMES, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

  • GUYS WHO HOVER RIGHT BEHIND YOU IN LINE WHEN USING THE URINAL,

  • AWAIT MY ORDERS.

  • NEO-NAZIS, AS YOU WERE."

  • EVERY FOUR YEARS, AROUND THIS TIME OF THE ELECTION, PEOPLE

  • START TO WORRY ABOUT AN OCTOBER SURPRISE.

  • TODAY, WE GOT MORE THAN AN OCTOBER SURPRISED.

  • WE GOT OCTOBER APPALLED, COURTESY OF TRUMP'S PERSONAL

  • LAWYER AND MAN WHO HAS TO CONSTANTLY GNAW ON TREE TRUNKS

  • TO KEEP HIS TEETH FROM GROWING THROUGH HIS BOTTOM LIP, RUDY

  • GIULIANI.

  • GIULIANI APPEARS IN THE NEW BORAT MOVIE, STARRING SASCHA

  • BARON COHEN, WHO WILL BE MY GUEST ON "THE LATE SHOW" ON

  • MONDAY.

  • AND IT TURNS OUT WE MIGHT HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT, BECAUSE TODAY

  • WE LEARNED THAT, THANKS TO HIDDEN CAMERAS, IN THE MOVIE, WE

  • SEE GIULIANI REACHING INTO HIS TROUSERS AND APPARENTLY TOUCHING

  • HIS GENITALS WHILE RECLINING ON A BED IN THE PRESENCE OF THE

  • ACTOR PLAYING BORAT'S DAUGHTER.

  • JEFFREY TOOBIN.

  • IT'S OVER ALREADY.

  • DON'T WORRY, THE TEENAGE DAUGHTER WAS ACTUALLY AN ACTRESS

  • WHO'S 24.

  • AND YOU CAN STILL WATCH WITHOUT HAVING TO SEE RUDY'S TOOTIE

  • BECAUSE THE SCENE IS QUICKLY INTERRUPTED BY BORAT, WHO RUNS

  • IN AND SAYS, "SHE'S 15.

  • SHE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU."

  • NEVER A GREAT SIGN WHEN THE MORAL AUTHORITY IN A SITUATION

  • COMES FROM A GUY WHO ONCE HANDED A WOMAN A BAG OF HIS OWN POOP.

  • EVEN BEFORE COCKTAILS IN THE BEDROOM, RUDY ACTED LIKE A REAL

  • JERK-OFF.

  • DURING THE INTERVIEW WITH THE DAUGHTER GIULIANI DRINKS SCOTCH,

  • COUGHS, FAILS TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE, AND AGREES, AT LEAST

  • IN THEORY TO EAT A BAT WITH HIS INTERVIEWER.

  • REALLY, RUDY?

  • EAT A BAT?

  • WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN LOOK LIKE?

  • YEAH, OKAY.

  • NOW, THIS DOESN'T LOOK GREAT, BUT RUDY SAYS HE HAS A PERFECTLY

  • INNOCENT EXPLANATION.

  • >> I HAD TO TAKE OFF THE ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT.

  • AND WHEN THE ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT CAME OFF, SOME OF IT

  • WAS IN THE BACK, AND MY SHIRT GOT A LITTLE OUT, CAME A LITTLE

  • OUT.

  • ALTHOUGH, MY CLOTHES WERE ENTIRELY ON.

  • I LEAN BACK, AND I TUCK MY SHIRT IN, AND AT THAT POINT, AT THAT

  • POINT, THEY HAVE THIS PICTURE THEY TAKE, WHICH LOOKS DOCTORED.

  • BUT IN ANY EVENT, I'M TUCKING MY SHIRT IN.

  • I ASSURE YOU THAT'S ALL I WAS DOING.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, I WOULD BUY THAT, BUT I WATCHED THE FOOTAGE.

  • WHY DID YOU GO INTO A BEDROOM AT THE SUGGESTION OF A YOUNG

  • WOMAN TO HAVE COCKTAILS TO TAKE OFF A MIC.

  • I TAKE OFF A MIC EVERY NIGHT.

  • NEVER ONCE HAVE I RECLINED ON A KING-SIZED BED AND LAUNCHED A

  • FACT-FINDING MISSION TO MY OWN GROIN.

  • ANYWAY, WE CAN'T SHOW YOU THE FOOT ANNUAL TONIGHT, BUT HE'S

  • HERE MONDAY AND WE'LL SHOW IT THEN.

  • GREAT, SASCHA, NO HOLDS BARRED.

  • I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT IT SOUNDS GOOD.

  • NOW, NO TELLING YET WHAT EFFECT IF ANY, THIS FOOTAGE WILL HAVE

  • ON THE ELECTION.

  • SO FAR, THE POLLS IN SOME OF THE SWING STATES ARE TIGHTENING--

  • ALONG WITH MY SPHINCTER-- ESPECIALLY PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE

  • THE LATEST POLLS HAVE BIDEN UP ANYWHERE FROM 10% TO ONLY 2%.

  • COME ON, PENNSYLVANIA!

  • YOU DON'T NEED TRUMP!

  • YOU ALREADY HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD ORANGE MONSTER.

  • THINGS ARE SO TIGHT RIGHT NOW, THAT IN THE LAST 24 HOURS,

  • PENNSYLVANIA HAS GOTTEN VISITS FROM BOTH DONALD TRUMP AND

  • BARACK OBAMA.

  • IT'S HOPE AND CHANGE VERSUS GROPE AND STRANGE.

  • LAST NIGHT, TRUMP HELD ONE OF HIS OUTDOOR SHOUT 'N SPRAYS IN

  • ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA.

  • BUT HE MADE IT CLEAR HE WASN'T THAT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

  • >> YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • FOUR, FIVE MONTHS AGO WHEN WE STARTED THIS WHOLE THING,

  • BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE PLAGUE CAME IN, I HAD IT MADE.

  • I WASN'T COMING TO ERIE!

  • I MEAN, I HAVE TO BE HONEST, THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS COMING.

  • >> Stephen: AH, YES, NOTHING MAKES PEOPLE FEEL MORE VALUED

  • LIKE HEARING, "I'M ONLY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU BECAUSE OF THE

  • PLAGUE, WHICH, OTHERWISE, I WOULD AVOID YOU LIKE."

  • TRUMP DID EVENTUALLY PIVOT FROM COMPLAINING ABOUT PENNSYLVANIA

  • TO COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS OPPONENT.

  • >> IF YOU WANT DEPRESSION, DOOM AND DESPAIR, VOTE FOR SLEEPY JOE

  • BIDEN.

  • AND BOREDOM!

  • BECAUSE IF YOU HAD SLEEPY JOE, NOBODY'S GONNA BE INTERESTED IN

  • POLITICS ANYMORE.

  • THAT'S GONNA BE THE END OF THAT.

  • >> Stephen: OH, MY GOD, THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!

  • HERE'S JUST A PREVIEW OF WHAT WE COULD BE TALKING ABOUT IF

  • POLITICS WAS BORING AGAIN: YESTERDAY, ONE OF MY WRITERS

  • PITCHED A STORY ABOUT A POPULAR INTERNET VIDEO FEATURING A VERY

  • LONG DOOR HANDLE.

  • LOOK AT HOW LONG IT IS!

  • IT FITS THREE HANDS!

  • YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME JOKES ABOUT THAT?

  • SORRY, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR DOORKNOB JOKES BECAUSE I HAVE TO

  • TALK ABOUT A PRESIDENT WHO'S AS DUMB AS ONE.

  • TRUMP ALSO WENT AFTER BIDEN BY PLAYING AN ATTACK AD FOR THE

  • CROWD.

  • HERE'S HOW HE SET IT UP: >> TONIGHT, I WANT TO DO

  • SOMETHING-- I WANT TO GIVE YOU-- THIS IS AN ORIGINAL DONALD TRUMP

  • BROADWAY PLAY.

  • TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CLIP.

  • >> Stephen: YES, AN ORIGINAL DONALD TRUMP BROADWAY PLAY:

  • "THE BOOK OF MORON."

  • ALSO, IT'S WORTH POINTING OUT TRUMP SAYS HE'S PRESENTING A

  • BROADWAY PLAY, AND THEN PLAYS A COMMERCIAL.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "I LOVE BROADWAY.

  • MY FAVORITE SHOW TUNE IS 'WE HAVE THE MEATS.'

  • ALWAYS MAKES ME CRY BECAUSE AT THE END, THEY DO HAVE THE

  • MEATS."

  • BUT DESPITE THE TIGHT RACE IN P.A., TRUMP'S DOWN IN THE POLLS

  • NEARLY EVERYWHERE AND NEEDS TO GET HIS MESSAGE OUT.

  • YESTERDAY, HE HAD A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO TALK WITH LESLEY

  • STAHL OF "60 MINUTES."

  • BUT, EVIDENTLY, SHE ASKED HIM TOUGH QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS

  • HANDLING OF THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC, THE SIZE OF THE CROWDS

  • AT HIS RALLIES, AND HIS DISPUTES WITH ANTHONY FAUCI.

  • BECAUSE AFTER 45 MINUTES, HE ABRUPTLY ENDED THE INTERVIEW.

  • WELL, NO SURPRISE THERE.

  • TRUMP ALWAYS FINISHES BEFORE THE WOMAN.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> WHAM-BAM, THANK YOU SLAM!

  • >> Stephen: NOT SATISFIED WITH JUST STORMING OFF, TRUMP

  • THREATENED TO BEAT "60 MINUTES" TO THE PUNCH BY RELEASING HIS

  • OWN FOOTAGE, TWEETING: "I AM PLEASED TO INFORM YOU

  • THAT, FOR THE SAKE OF ACCURACY IN REPORTING, I AM CONSIDERING

  • POSTING MY INTERVIEW WITH LESLEY STAHL OF '60 MINUTES,' PRIOR TO

  • AIRTIME!" THIS WILL BE DONE SO THAT

  • EVERYBODY CAN GET A GLIMPSE OF WHAT A FAKE AND BIASED

  • INTERVIEW IS ALL ABOUT."

  • OH, NO!

  • MR. PRESIDENT!

  • ON BEHALF OF CBS, PLEASE DON'T POST A TEASER TRAILER FOR THIS

  • SUNDAY'S EPISODE OF "60 MINUTES."

  • 7:30 PM EASTERN, 6:30 CENTRAL, ONLY CBS.

  • I HEAR HE WALKS OUT.

  • SHOULD BE PRETTY EXCITING.

  • NOW, AFTER FLEEING THE INTERVIEW, TRUMP HAD A TOWN HALL

  • WHERE HE CONTINUED TO STEW ABOUT "60 MINUTES" AND FAUCI.

  • >> I GET ALONG WITH HIM FINE, BUT HE'S MADE MISTAKES.

  • AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN HE SAID HE-- HE REALLY IS STOPPED FROM GOING

  • ON TELEVISION.

  • THEN YOU SEE HIM DO "60 MINUTES," NOT ONE OF THE

  • GREATEST SHOWS IN THE WORLD.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, WORD OF ADVICE: IF YOU DESPERATELY NEED

  • THE SENIOR VOTE, MAYBE DON'T GO AFTER "60 MINUTES."

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "60 MINUTES IS A SHOW FOR

  • LOSERS, MATLOCK IS A CRAPPY LAWYER, AND LET'S FACE IT, NANA,

  • YOUR GRANDKIDS ARE STUPID AND UGLY."

  • SO TRUMP SAYS AND DOES DUMB THINGS.

  • BUT WE SHOULD NEVER LET HIS STUPIDITY OVERSHADOW THAT HE'S

  • ALSO A HEARTLESS MONSTER WHO MUST BE DRIVEN FROM OFFICE AND

  • EVENTUALLY DRAGGED IN MANACLES BEFORE THE HAGUE.

  • BECAUSE OF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HE AND HIS ADMINISTRATION

  • HAVE DONE, PERHAPS THE HORRIBLE-IST IS THEIR FAMILY

  • SEPARATION POLICY ON THE BORDER.

  • AND WE GOT SOME CHILLING NEWS YESTERDAY IN A COURT

  • FILING.

  • YOU SEE, LAST YEAR, A FEDERAL JUDGE ORDERED THE GOVERNMENT TO

  • REUNITE PARENTS AND CHILDREN THAT HAD BEEN SEPARATED BY THE