WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "IS THIS ANYTHING?," JERRY

SEINFELD.

I'M GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION THAT I ASKED YOU DURING

"COMEDIANS AND CARS GETTING COFFEE," WHE DID THAT.

IT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE CUT.

I DON'T THINK IT MADE TO THE EDIT WHAT PEOPLE SAW WHICH WAS

NICE OF YOU BECAUSE IT'S A TERRIBLE QUESTION.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO ASK YOU?

>> YOU KNOW, YES.

>> Stephen: YOU ASKED ME, "IF I WAS A GUEST ON THE SHOW--" IT

WAS BETWEEN THE SHOWS, "WHAT WOULD YOU ASK ME?"

AND I LITERALLY ASKED YOU THE FIRST THING THAT WAS ON MY MIND.

AND YOU SAID,"THAT'S A TERRIBLE QUESTION."

AND I SAID, "YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT."

THE QUESTION WAS, "DO YOU STILL ENJOY DOING STAND-UP?"

AND THE REASON WAS THAT I HAD JUST ENDED A SHOW THAT I HAD

DONE FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS, AND I STILL ENJOYED IT, BUT I COULD

TELL I WAS ABOUT TO NOT ENJOY IT.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT WAS ON MY MIND.

MY M O, JERRY, DO YOU STILL ENJY DOING STAND-UP?

>> WELL, I DO, I REALLY DO.

I THINK I'M ONE OF SHOWS SURFERS-- YOU KNOW, THOSE OLD

GUYS THAT JUST STILL PADDLE OUT EVERY DAY, AND NOBODY EVEN KNOWS

THEY'RE DOING IT.

BUT IT'S LIKE, THEY HAVE TO DO IT, AND IT'S JUST PART OF THE

DAY, AND PART OF THE DEAL, AND --

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> THAT'S WHY I DO IT.

IT'S--... I-- I-- REALLY LIVE OFF IT.

I LIVE OFF IT.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, NATURAL, ENERGETIC THING.

IT'S SO NATURAL AND REAL.

AND I-- AND I-- I CAN BE ACCUSED OF USING TOO MANY SURFING

ANALOGIES, BUT THAT'S THE THING I WANTED TO DO IN MY LIFE THEY

DIDN'T DO.

I REALLY WANTED TO DO.

>> AND NEVER DID IT.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN ARB KUZZED OF USING TOO MANY SURFING

ANALOGIES IN THE PAST?

>> YOU KNOW, I COULD BE, IF YOU SAID THAT.

>> Stephen: I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO GO SUSHING?

>> I TRIED 20 YEARS AGO.

YOU NEED A CERTAIN KIND OF KNEES, YOU KNOW.

YOU NEED GOOD QUADS.

I DON'T HAVE IT.

I DON'T HAVE WHAT YOU NEED.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FIRE OF SHARKS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

I HAVE THE FEAR OF THE SHARKS WHERE THE WAVES ARE GOOD.

>> I'M AFRAID OF THE SHARKS ON YOUTUBE MORE THAN I AM IN REAL

LIFE.

THE YOUTUBE SHARKS SCARE ME THE MOST.

>> Stephen: VERY HUNGRY, VERY HUNGRY.

>> DO YOU KNOW HOW TO STOP YOUTUBE FROM SENDING YOU SHARK

ATTACK KAYAKERS VIDEOS?

HOW DO I MAKE THEM STOP?

BECAUSE I WATCHED ONE-- I WATCHED ONE, AND I DON'T WANT TO

WATCH 30.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO-- >> DO YOU KNOW HOW TO STOP IT?

>> Stephen: I DON'T.

I DON'T.

I THINK YOU HAVE TO WATCH A LOT OF SOMETHING ELSE TO, LIKE,

THROW OFF THE ALGORITHM.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: OR CHANGE THE NAME AND BURN OFF YOUR FINGERPRINTS,

BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT YOU NOW.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE HITTING YOU WITH.

>> WELL, I WATCHED ONE.

YOU WATCH ONE...

YOU HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL.

EVEN IF YOU DON'T WATCH IT, IF YOU LET IT PLAY, AND WITHOUT

CLICKING "PLAY," BUT JUST KIND OF LET IT PLAY.

>> Stephen: OH, WHERE IT DOES THE AUTOMATIC THING.

>> YEAH.

AND THEN THEY'LL SMELL YOU OUT AND GO, "OH, HE LIKES IT.

GIVE HIM MORE OF THAT."

>> Stephen: I FELL ASLEEP ONE NIGHT.

I WAS ON THE ROAD AND I PUT MY COMPUTER THERE, AND A HYPNOTIC

SLEEP VIDEO, SOMETHING TO MAKE ME GO TO SLEEP.

AND IT PLAYED LIKE SOMEONE GOING, "AND YOU'RE RELAXED, AND

THERE'S A MEADOW--" WHATEVER, I WOKE UP AT, LIKE, 4:00 IN THE

MORNING, AND IT WAS STILL ON.

BUT IT HAD ALREADY PLAYED, WHATEVER THE ALGORITHM DECIDED,

THERE WAS A WOMAN'S FACE THIS BIG GOING, "I AM YOUR FOCUS.

YOU WILL SEND ME A CHECK FOR $1,000."

AND I ALMOST DID IT.

I JUST WANTED TO SEE, YOU KNOW, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I DID.

>> YOU TYPING IN "HYPNOTIC SLEEP VIDEOS."

YOUR WIFE WAS OUT OF TOWN, I ASSUME.

>> Stephen: NO, I WAS OUT OF TOWN.

I WAS OUT OF TOWN.

>> OH, YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN.

>> Stephen: I DON'T SLEEP WELL--

>> OH, THAT IS-- THE LEVEL OF SADNESS THAT YOU HAVE REACHED.

HYPNOTIC SLEEP VIDEOS?

>> Stephen: WHAT, IT'S-- I DON'T WANT TO POP PILLS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR HOLLYWOOD ANSWER SJER.

BUT I'M NOT A PILL POPPER.

>> TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.

>> Stephen: DO YOU MEDITATE?

>> OH, YEAH, I'M THE BIG MEDITATOR GUY.

ONE OF THE GREAT MEDITATOR S.

>> Stephen: I HAD NO IDEA.

I HAD NO IDEA.

>> YEAH, SINCE 1972.

>> Stephen: I LIKE THE BREATHING.

YOU HAVE BEEN MEDITATING SINCE 1972.

>> I HAVE BEEN DOING TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION SINCE

1972.

IT'S THE GREATEST TECHNIQUE FOR REST AND LOWERING THE STRESS

LEVEL.

LOOK AT ME.

DON'T YOU WONDER, HOW COULD THIS GUY BE SO RELAXED AND SO HAPPY

IN IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS TERB CRISIS?"

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I SAID BEFORE THE CAMERA TURNED ON.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID, "YOU SEEM RELAXED."

AND YOU SAID, "YES."

AND I SAID, "IT MUST BE LONELY."

>> NO, IT'S TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.

>> >> Stephen: I'LL TRY IT.

IS THERE AN APP OR SOMETHING?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: THIS IS MY LIFE, THIS IS IT.

>> JUST TYPE IN "HYPNOTIC SLEEP VIDEOS."

>> Stephen: JERRY WE'RE NOT CLOSE TO TALKING ABOUT YOUR BOOK

YET.

THEY'RE WAVING NUMBERS TO ME HERE BUT THEY'RE MEANINGLESS TO

ME BECAUSE I'M TALKING TO JERRY SEINFELD.

YOU HAVE A BOOK.

IT'S CALLED "IS THIS ANYTHING?" FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO

AREN'T COMEDIANS WHO AREN'T TRYING TO COME UP WITH JOKES

WITH THEIR FRIENDS, EXPLAIN WHAT "IS THIS ANYTHING?" MEANS TO

YOU?

>> ""IS THIS ANYTHING?" IS WHAT I SAY BEFORE YOU TRY A BIT OUT

ON ANOTHER COMEDIAN.

I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT MY WHOLE LIFE.

SO THIS BOOK, STEPHEN, THAT'S EVERYTHING I-- I'VE DONE WITH MY

LIFE.

THAT'S MY WHOLE LIFE IN A BOOK.

>> Stephen: IT'S DOUBLE SPACED.

IT'S-- IT'S DOUBLE SPACED, JERRY.

YOU'VE PADDED OUT YOUR LIFE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: IT'S LITERALLY DOUBLE SPACED.

>> YEAH.

BECAUSE IT-- BECAUSE IT READS LIKE A-- A STAND-UP RESIDENT

BETTER THAT WAY.

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T REALLY.

>> WHY DON'T YOU PERFORM ONE OF THE BITS IN THERE.

>> AT THE POST OFFICE THEY HAVE POSTERS.

COLLECT STAMPS.

IT'S FUN.

REALLY, AT WHAT POINT IN STAMP COLLECTING DO YOU FEEL THE FUN

IS REALLY KICKING IN?

YOU GET THE STAMP.

YOU BRING IT HOME.

YOU PUT IT IN A DRAWER.

COME BACK A YEAR LATER.

'HEY, STILL GOT IT!

THAT STAMP-- THAT STAMP IS COLLECTED' I GUESS YOU NEVER GET

BORED OF THE STAMPS.

YOU CAN TURN THEM OVER.

YOU'VE GOT THE GLUE COLLECTION.

THEY ALWAYS SAY, "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY."

NOTHING IS FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

THERE ARE NO MASSAGE PARLORS ARE ICE CREAM AND DPRE JEWELRY, NO

RACETRACKS-- >> THAT'S A GOOD OUTLET.

>> Stephen: THAT'S QUITE DELIGHTFUL.

QUITE DELIGHTFUL.

WHAT IS MAKING YOU LAUGH THESE DAYS?

PEOPLE NEED-- WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

>> YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING A LOT OF MARX BROTHERS THESE DAYS.

>> Stephen: GROUCHO RIGHT OVER YOUR SHOULDER.

>> I LOVE THE BROTHERS.

I ALWAYS HAVE.

IT'S A FASCINATING SHOW BUSINESS STORY.

THEIR KINETIC ENERGY, THEIR TIMING, THEIR PHYSICAL STUFF,

THEIR VERBAL STUFF, YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT APART ENDLESSLY AND

APPRECIATE IT.

AND IT JUST HOLDS UP SO BEAUTIFULLY.

THE MATERIAL IS SO FUNNY STILL.

>> Stephen: DO YOUR CHILDREN THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, JERRY?

>> YOU KNOW, UHM, YES, THEY DO.

THEY DO.

I DO PRETTY WELL.

>> Stephen: IS IT IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT THEY THINK YOU'RE

FUNNY?

>> IT'S IMPORTANT THAT EVERYONE-- ANYONE YOU ARE DOING

A JOKE TO, YOU WANT THEM TO LAUGH, DON'T YOU?

>> Stephen: OF COURSE, BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO IDENTIFY YOU,

NATURALLY AS DAD EQUALS FUNNY.

IT COULD BE DAD.

THERE COULD BE OTHER QUALITIES DAD HAS.

>> OH, YEAH, I HAVE OTHER QUALITIES.

>> Stephen: NAME ONE.

NAME ONE.

NAME ONE.

>> UHM...

>> Stephen: I HAVE A FACT-CHECKING TEAM HERE THAT IS

SHAKING THEIR HEADS.

YOU'RE NOT WHAT?

>> YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ATTENTIVE.

I'M-- I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO DO A FAVOR FOR ANYONE THAT NEEDS A

FAVOR.

>> Stephen: JERRY, I'M DOING A BENEFIT LATER THIS YEAR, I'M

DOING A BENEFIT LATER THIS YEAR, AND FICOULD INTERVIEW YOU FOR

THIS BENEFIT THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.

>> SURE, I'M IN.

>> Stephen: GREAT, DONE.

THAT'S ON TAPE.

THAT STAYS IN THE INTERVIEW RIGHT THERE.

>> ALL THOSE WORDS AGAINST ME, AS LINDSEY GRAHAM SAID.

"SAVE THE TAPE."

>> Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

THIS OP-ED YOU DID IN THE "NEW YORK TIMES" ABOUT NEW YORK,

ABOUT PEOPLE SAYING NEW YORK IS DEAD.

I DON'T KNOW A SINGLE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY HAS STAYED IN NEW YORK

WHO WASN'T OFFENDED BY PEOPLE SAYING, "NEW YORK IS DEAD.

IT'S NEVER COMING BACK."

THE PRESIDET JUST SAID-- WHAT DID HE SAY?

IT'S A GHOST TOWN.

DOESN'T KNOW IF THE TOWN IS GOING TO RECOVER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S ASSESSMENT?

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, ANYBODY CAN LOOK AT THIS PRESENT MOMENT AND

ASSUME THAT THAT'S THE WAY THINGS WILL ALWAYS BE, AND

THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S A-- THAT'S A FOIBLE OF HUMAN PERCEPTION.

WE THINK TODAY IS EVERYTHING.

WE-- WE STRUGGLE TO ZOOM OUT TO SEE-- THIS IS ALL JUST ANOTHER

PASSING MOMENT.

IT'S-- THESE ARE ALL JUST PASSING MOMENTS.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU BEING TRANSCENDENTAL RIGHT NOW?

IS THIS THE MEDITATION TALKING?

>> YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT.

YOU DO KIND OF TRANSCEND THE-- YOU KNOW, DON'T-- WHAT'S THE

NAME OF THAT THING THAT THEY USE IN CALIFORNIA?

>> Stephen: E.K.G..

SEISMOGRAPH?

THIS THING?

>> YOU KNOW, DON'T DO THAT WITH YOUR LIFE.

DON'T DO THAT WITH YOUR DAY.

THAT'S THE-- THAT'S THE TENDENCY.

SOMETHING GOOD, I GO UP.

SOMETHING BAD, I GO DOWN.

SOMETHING GOOD-- YOU DON'T LIVE LIKE THAT.

NEW YORK CITY HAS BEEN MY NORTH STAR MY WHOLE LIFE.

I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO LEAVE US AS THIS VERY UNIQUE CULTURE

ENVIRONMENT AND PERSONALITY.

NEW YORK IS A PERSONALITY TO ME.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> IT'S NOT JUST A CITY.

AND, YOU KNOW, EVERY CITY HAS ITS RESIDENTS THAT ACT A CERTAIN

WAY.

NEW YORK HAS A VERY CERTAIN PERSONALITY.

YOU CAN'T TRANSPLANT THAT TO KNOXVILLE.