Tune up Theo video podcast to help you improve your business writing.

Today we'll be looking at an email from Jimmy, who is the training officer for his company.

Jimmy wants to notify the various department heads oven upcoming seminar their staff will be attending.

He also wants them toe, have their staff complete and return some questionnaires and to provide topics and time slots so they could be scheduled within the seminar.

The term time slots means specific plan times when something happens.

For example, your favorite television program may be in the nine o'clock time slot, meaning you watch it at 90 clock.

Before we look at the mechanics, style and tone of this email, let's consider who's writing and who's receiving it.

Jimmy is in the training department, and he's contacting the heads of different departments within the company.

So it's an internal email, which means it's a bit more informal than something being sent outside the company.

However, it's being sent to managers at a higher rank than Jimmy's, so the tone must be respectful and not too chatty or informal.

All right, let's start with the mechanics, the grammar, punctuation and formatting of the email.

As always, we start with the subject line.

The phrase seminar account procedures is confusing.

Does it mean the procedures for seminar account?

That doesn't make sense, either.

We need the proposition on to make it clear what Jimmy's trying to communicate.

Next we move to the salutation or greeting the comma after Hello is unnecessary.

So let's get rid of it.

That brings us to the first paragraph of Jimmy's email again.

We need to add the proposition on in the first sentence, but otherwise it's very clear.

Let's look at the second paragraph.

The first problem is that Jimmy uses the term enclosure to refer to his questionnaires.

But this is not a letter in an envelope with other papers enclosed.

It's an Elektronik letter, an email.

So the correct term is attachment.

Plus, they aren't being delivered.

They're attached to the email.

We'll rewrite this as now questionnaires are attached, Jimmy sentence continues, and I would like them to be distributed to your staff.

Well, actually, everything in the email is telling the readers what Jimmy would like.

So that's an unnecessary phrase.

Let's change it to Should be.

But wait, there's a step missing.

Remember the questionnaires attached to the email?

So at this point, it's just a lot of computer code before it can be distributed.

It needs to be printed.

So let's add that word before distributed with the connector, and that's better.

The second sentence is fine, except that we really don't need to repeat the year 2000 and nine.

So let's just cut it moving on to the third paragraph.

We're missing some articles and pronouns in the first sentence, so we'll add the before seminar and you're before preferred topics.

We're also missing a proposition instead of given us, it should read given to us.

Another problem is that Jimmy repeats the seminar three times within the same sentence, which is definitely too many.

We need the first the seminar because it's linked to topics and time slots.

We can leave before the seminar as it is, or we could change it to beforehand.

It's the third one that's too much.

So let's just use the pronoun it instead.

That leaves us with the final word in the paragraph schemed.

This word scheme has different meanings in different countries.

In Britain, it simply means ah plan But in America it means a dishonest or even criminal plan, So it would be better to change it to a safer word like scheduled that takes us to the last two sentences.

Thanking the department heads is fine, but welcome to your attend is not even a complete sentence and isn't very clear.

What Jimmy is probably trying to say is something like, We welcome your attendance.

But wait, something's missing.

There's no good by your name.

Since Jimmy is writing to people at a higher level, he can't use phrases like See you or take care.

This email requires something a bit more formal.

There are many possibilities, but let's just use best regards.

Jimmy, let's move on to the style of the email.

Remember, this is business email, So hello, everybody isn't really appropriate.

Let's change it.

To dear colleagues, the first paragraph is fine, so let's move on to the second one.

The first sentence starts with the word now to talk about the attached questionnaires, but that's not necessary.

So will cut it.

Then we can make attached an adjective by moving it before questionnaires and adding the article.

The this gives us the shorter sentence.

The attached questionnaires should be printed and distributed to your staff.

Jimmy then goes on to ask the managers toe, have the questionnaires completed and delivered before December 10th, but Jimmy doesn't say where or to whom they should be delivered.

Let's clarify that will change.

Delivered to returned to my office.

The third paragraph of Jimmy's email needs to be made much clearer.

The sentence fragment enclosed details doesn't tell us anything, so let's delete it.

A bigger problem is that details can't want anything, so we can't say details would like to be given to us instead.

Will change would like to.

To the motel word should finally be given to us is usually used when people are meeting face to face.

Considering that Jimmy is writing to managers throughout the company, Ah, meeting may not be possible before the seminar, so a better verb would be sent.

That all sounds much clearer, but in case it isn't, let's add a sentence at the end.

Please let us know if you have any questions.

Lastly, the final paragraph isn't quite right.

It almost seems like Jimmy is asking if the managers will attend when he says he would welcome your attendance.

It would be better if he assumed they will attend.

So let's change that phrase to we look forward to seeing you there.

The last thing we need to do is to consider the tone of the email.

Remember, Jimmy is talking to people at a higher level.

Plus, he's asking them for help with the questionnaires, so he needs to be courteous, respectful and not too informal.

Let's look for places where we can soften his language a bit.

Here's one.

In the second paragraph, he writes about the questionnaires.

They should be completed and returned to my office before December 10th.

That sounds more like a command than a request.

So let's add, I would be grateful if you to the beginning will remove.

They should be and add the motel could That's better, but we need to change the tents from past to present.

Whenever we use one of these second conditional phrases, the third paragraph is pretty good, but let's make it a bit more courteous after the words scheduled at the end of the first sentence.

Let's add at the most convenient time and on second thought, let's remove that please let us know if you have any questions.

It's really not necessary, after all, and might even sound a bit condescending.

Finally, at the end of the email, we have thank you very much, which is perhaps a bit excessive.

Let's substitute um, or standard business English phrase.

I appreciate your assistance in this matter.

We can then combine the two sentences into one by adding the connector and and by eliminating the pronoun we.

This makes the email more personal because now Jimmy is using the pronoun I that starts the sentence as the invisible second pronoun before, look forward to seeing you there.

Let's review our changes.

We've clarified Jimmy's meaning, and we've created a sequence of tasks for the department managers to do regarding the questionnaires.

We've explained how the managers should schedule their topics and time slot for the seminar, and we've made sure that the language is appropriate for an internal email going to people on a higher level while asking for their help and support.